Learning how to manipulate parents, and doing whatever is deemed necessary to get parents to do what kids, teens and adult children want, sometimes turns into a virtual war between kids and parents. Manipulating parents, often referred to as emotional extortion, means that there are kids of all ages who will do just about anything to get parents to say yes to something, even when saying yes puts parents in a precarious position.

Do children manipulate parents? Oh yes they do, and adult children are just as good at stooping to whatever level they see fit to get their parents to do what the kid wants, and it doesn’t matter what it is children are trying to convince parents to do. The reality of how parents are sometimes manipulated when planning a wedding became a shocking and disturbing reality for a mom I’ve heard from before, based on the email I received this morning.

Regular readers are likely familiar with the article I wrote about who pays for what when it comes time to determine how a wedding budget will be decided and how the wedding, reception and honeymoon will be paid for and by whom. Late last year, shortly before Christmas of 2008, I exchanged a few emails with a mom who was struggling with the decision of who would pay for her daughter’s wedding.

This poor mom, who is disabled and barely able to get by on her meager income, was dealing with her own Bridezilla. Her daughter, who I referred to in the “who pays for what” article as “darling daughter”, has champagne taste on a beer budget. This young, 20-year-old girl pulled every manipulative tactic on her mom and dad that she could muster, in order to have the wedding of her dreams.

Bridezilla wanted what she wanted and she was determined she would get her Cinderella dream wedding, regardless of what the total cost of her wedding finally came to, and who would end up paying for it. Her want list for her wedding was extravagant to say the least, especially when it was to be paid for by parents who don’t have the means to pay for such an expensive wedding. She wanted it all – everything you can imagine that would go into having an expensive wedding, fit for someone on a champagne budget.

She wanted a horse-drawn carriage ride to the wedding venue and limo services to the reception for all eight of her attendants, plus the matching number of groomsmen, flower girl and ring bearer. Add to that the designer wedding gown she “had” to have, an expensive wedding cake and grooms cake, all the fancy wedding decorations and everything else this young lady believed she needed to fulfill her dream wedding.

Throughout our email exchanges, I provided this mom with numerous links to informative articles on ways to reduce the cost of a wedding to an amount that was manageable for her, her ex-husband and the groom’s family. Bridezilla cried, begged, pleaded, stomped her feet, called her mom mean and hateful names, told her mom and dad they owed her the wedding she had dreamed of all her life with one guilt trip after another, and threw a major hissy-fit every time something wasn’t going her way. Wow.

Once our email discussions were over, I wrote the “who pays for what” article and set it up to go live in March of this year, which is right about the time of year when “wedding season” starts kicking in and brides with their moms start working on wedding plans and searching for information online. Did Bridezilla get her dream wedding? Oh yes she did, and how.

“Mom” racked up a killer credit card bill for her daughter’s wedding, and the cost of the wedding that now sits on her credit cards totaled close to $10,000. That’s just the disabled mom’s bill, and when you add another $20,000 or so that was split between Bridezilla’s dad and the groom’s parents, I’d say she got her dream wedding alright.

Her wedding was held during one of the most popular and most expensive months to get married, Saturday, June 6th. The mom put her share of the wedding costs on credit cards, high-interest credit cards to be exact, which was the only way she could help pay for her daughter’s wedding. Guess what has happened?

After getting married just a few months ago, dear “darling daughter” wants a divorce, and she actually expects her mom and dad to “help” pay for her divorce lawyer! There are no real “grounds for divorce” to speak of, no accusations of abuse of any kind, she just “changed her mind” and decided she doesn’t want to be married after all.

Considering the sensitive nature of some of the topics I discuss on Telling It Like It Is, not much surprises or shocks me anymore, but THIS shocked me. Not only was this young lady way too young to get married in the first place, but she’s also one of the most selfish, ungrateful, immature, unappreciative, entitled, manipulative, spoiled brats I’ve ever heard of in all my life.

Who pays for the divorce? Only time will tell, but if past experience is a sign of what is likely to occur in the near future, it’s not looking good for this mom, and probably even the dad. What do you think? Do you think this mom and/or dad should pay for this girl’s divorce after getting married about 5 months ago? By the way, this mom had no problems with me writing about her situation as long as I didn’t use her real name, which I wouldn’t do anyway. Is this situation crazy or what?

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Amy writes, “Do I need a divorce lawyer or can I represent myself?” After 30 years of marriage her husband wants a divorce, which begs the questions: Do you need a divorce lawyer to handle your divorce case? Why? When should you hire a divorce lawyer, and when is it okay to get a do-it-yourself divorce with or without the help of divorce books or online divorce forms? Divorce laws are different in each state, and while you can get a divorce without a lawyer, doing so can be very risky if you don’t know what you are doing.

One of the biggest mistakes women (and men) make in matters of divorce is deciding not to hire an attorney when needed, or opting to share the same lawyer in an understandable yet potentially dangerous effort to cut costs. If you are getting a divorce after 15, 20 or 30 years of marriage or less, hiring a good divorce lawyer can help you avoid the all-too common divorce mistakes that can lead you into personal and financial ruin.

Reasons to Hire a Divorce Lawyer

The old saying, a man (or woman) who acts as his own attorney has a fool for a client, couldn’t be more true in many divorce cases. Even though it is not required by law to hire a divorce lawyer, there are several reasons why hiring an attorney is recommended for divorcing couples, especially those with minor children.

If you have limited or no assets to divide, no children or dependents that require court administered decisions about child custody, child support, visitation, property division, spousal support or alimony, getting a do-it-yourself divorce (DIY) using self-help resources to file your divorce pro se may be an effective way of reducing the cost of getting divorced. But, if your spouse has hired an attorney or is planning to, get yourself your own lawyer a.s.a.p.

The divorce process can be very complicated, so if you don’t know your rights or how your state laws may affect the outcome of your divorce, you would be wise to find a good divorce lawyer to protect your interests and those of your children. Divorce is a time in your life when ignorance is not bliss, and if you don’t do what is necessary to protect yourself throughout the entire process, you’ll end up feeling as though you were taken advantage of and feeling like a victim of the court system.

Common Divorce Mistakes

Unfortunately, many divorce cases turn into a virtual war zone, with false accusations being thrown back and forth by using what is commonly referred to as dirty divorce tricks. Angry, controlling, vindictive men, women and mean divorce lawyers have been known to use dirty tactics, schemes and sneaky games in order to gain an unfair advantage over their soon-to-be ex with a “win at all costs” mindset.

Nasty, dirty tricks are especially used in divorce cases involving young children where child custody, child support and visitation are at stake. If your lawyer or someone you know recommends using any number of dirty tricks in your divorce proceedings, do not under any circumstances play along with such vicious and underhanded tactics. The mental and emotional damage done to children by these methods can last a lifetime, causing your children to grow up resenting you for putting them through such a hostile divorce.

If you have already filed for divorce or are planning to file for divorce from your husband (or wife), it’s important that you carefully and calmly prepare for divorce and that includes putting aside the anger, animosity, frustration or hatred for your spouse in order to think clearly and rationally.

Get your paperwork in order and do your homework by researching the divorce laws in your state. Make copies of all financial documents including debts and assets, bank accounts, property you own and any investments (pension plans, insurance and stock options). Also make a complete and detailed list of the reasons why your marriage is over and why you wish to be granted a divorce, and any special considerations you may want to request from the judge deciding on your case.

Parental Alienation

Parental Alienation, also known as Hostile Aggressive Parenting, is a serious and all-too-common mistake made in many divorces involving children, often with tragic consequences. Learn and know the signs of parental alienation and act quickly to resolve problematic issues that may arise, preferably with the help of a skilled divorce lawyer.

Avoid using any and all parental alienation tactics that family or friends may suggest to you, or suggested dirty tricks found online. When telling your children about your divorce, never say anything negative about your husband or wife, and don’t make up vicious lies about their father or mother in a sick and perverted attempt to “win” a bitter divorce case.

To your kids, the person you are talking about is their Mom or Dad, whom they love. Trying to alienate your children from their other parent by making false or unjustified accusations and derogatory comments is nothing short of child abuse, depriving children of their right to be loved and shown love by both parents equally.

If you are going through a divorce or are considering divorce, do not use your children as pawns in your divorce proceedings. While children need to know some things about the divorce, kids don’t need to know all the details and they certainly should never be made to feel as though they have to choose between their parents. When discussing or fighting about the details of the divorce or decisions that are being made, keep them private and out of earshot from your children.

Keep in mind, the divorce lawyer is not the one getting divorced, you are. Know your rights under the law within your state. Your attorney works for you, and you own the responsibility of what ultimately happens in your divorce, good or bad. If you hire an attorney that you don’t feel is looking out for your best interests, or is giving you bad advice, fire your attorney and get another one. If you can’t afford a divorce lawyer, find local volunteer divorce lawyers in your area to help protect you, your kids and your financial future.

Divorce Support Groups

There are many online divorce support groups for women, men and children, and many can be found in your local area. DivorceCare is a separation and divorce recovery support group for women, men and children, with meetings throughout the U.S., Canada and other countries. Men and fathers can also search online for “mens divorce support groups” for expert help in the recovery process following divorce. Check your local listings for divorce support groups for children, such as Parents Without Partners, that hold meetings in your area.

Amy (not her real name), the woman getting divorced after 30 years of marriage mentioned at the outset of this article, ultimately decided to hire a divorce lawyer. She is also considering mediation, which can save a lot of money in attorney fees. Fortunately for her, there are no minor aged children from the marriage to fight over, but since her soon-to-be ex husband doesn’t appear to want to play nice and has been known to be quite abusive, she decided to consult with an attorney to ensure her rights are protected.

Disclaimer: I am not an attorney. This is article is provided for informational purposes only. This article is not offered as, nor is it to be construed as legal advice. To obtain specific legal advice pertaining to your case, consult an attorney licensed to practice law in your state.

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Free or low cost legal services in matters of divorce, child custody, child support, separation, dissolution of marriage, alimony, visitation, dividing property and mediation are available in states all across the U.S. The cost of getting a divorce through an expensive lawyer has caused many couples to seek a “divorce for free” by going the do-it-yourself “Pro Se” route, usually with the help of online divorce kits, books and ebooks for uncontested, no-fault divorces.

Divorce software packages, commonly referred to as divorce kits, can save you a lot of money in attorney’s fees if your divorce is an amicable, uncontested divorce and there are no young children involved. If you’re wondering how to get a divorce on the cheap, it’s important that you spend some time doing your research and learning what your rights are, regardless if you hire a lawyer for your divorce or download divorce forms and do it yourself.

If you don’t understand your legal rights pertaining to getting a divorce from your husband or wife, or about child custody and visitation laws in your area, getting a “free divorce” by way of downloadable forms found online may end up costing you thousands upon thousands of dollars in lawyer fees that you may not be able to afford.

How Much Does a Divorce Cost?

Divorce is big business in the United States, with the average cost of a divorce ranging somewhere between $20 – $40,000 according to recent statistics. Do you really want a divorce? Are you sure? If there is any doubt in your mind about divorcing your spouse, consider the option to stop your divorce and save your marriage while you still can. Nevertheless, there are many ways to reduce the high cost of attorney’s fees, since lining the pockets of expensive divorce lawyers with your hard-earned money isn’t on the list of favorite things to do for most people.

Is there a way to get a free divorce if you can’t afford the high cost of hiring an attorney, or at least a low cost divorce that includes child custody, visitation and child support? Is there such a thing as a “hardship divorce”? Darlene writes, “I want to divorce my husband and need a divorce lawyer, but I can’t afford to hire an attorney and pay the full price with my limited income. How do I get a low cost or cheap divorce nowadays, and is there such a thing as a free divorce?”

The quick and short answer is Yes, you can get free legal services or a low cost divorce, but you have to be willing to do some searching online, make some phone calls and fill out the required forms your attorney will need to provide the best legal help possible. For a hardship divorce, you can choose to file for a divorce yourself with forms found at your local county clerk’s office or state court website, and even represent yourself in court proceedings, but that can be very risky if you don’t know what you are doing. There are also forms to fill out about your financial situation and where you can ask that your court fees be waived, or request that your soon-to-be ex be required to pay your fees.

Get a Free Divorce

Finding a free divorce lawyer or family law attorney to handle your case with or without child custody, visitation, child support and similar problems typical in divorce cases is as simple as searching for information with the right terms or words. Have you ever heard the terms “Pro Bono Lawyers”, “Volunteer Lawyers”, “Legal Aid”, “Lawyer Referral Service”, or “Volunteer Lawyer Program”?

If you are having child custody battles with your spouse, or anticipate child custody or visitation issues to flair up during your divorce proceedings or even after the divorce is finalized, tough child custody attorneys to “kick butt” in court when needed should be at the top of your list.

Legal aid services can sometimes be frustrating, especially if you’ve been told you don’t qualify for legal aid based on low income eligibility requirements or other factors. LSC Legal Services Corporation (www.lsc.gov) is the largest provider of civil legal aid services in our nation, providing legal help and family law assistance to low income individuals, veterans, families and children, victims of domestic violence, the elderly and more. Check the LSC website for details to determine if you meet the Legal Aid Eligibility Requirements in your area.

Pro Bono Lawyers are lawyers who volunteer their time to provide legal services for free. A pro bono lawyer takes on free cases from basic administrative issues, to civil and criminal legal cases. As you could probably imagine, many pro bono lawyers don’t advertise their free services, even though many state bar associations require attorneys to complete a certain number of pro bono hours annually.

To find pro bono lawyers in your area, you can call local general practice attorneys and ask if they are accepting pro bono cases (or ask to speak with their pro bono coordinator if they have one), or you can head straight to the American Bar Association (ABA) website at www.abanet.org and click on the “Public Resources” tab at the top of the page and then click on “Find Legal Help” for a list of legal referral services and resources in your state.

Volunteer Lawyers

Volunteer Lawyers participate in the Volunteer Lawyers Program, providing high quality free legal services within their communities. Chicago Volunteer Legal Services (CVLS) at www.cvls.org has 20 legal clinics in the Chicagoland area, with Margaret C. Benson as Executive Director. Since the Chicago Volunteer Legal Services Foundation was formed 45 years ago, CVLS has provided free legal services to more than 200,000 clients including me by more than 2,700 volunteer lawyers, for FREE.

There are many federally funded legal services programs and referral services in every state, just as there are many pro bono, low-cost or reduced-fee attorney panels and hotlines providing affordable legal help for those who meet eligibility requirements and limitations.

If you are looking for a Volunteer Lawyer to handle your divorce case, be sure to visit LawHelp at www.LawHelp.org, as LawHelp helps low income and moderate income people find free legal aid programs and referrals in their local communities, including answering questions about your legal rights as it pertains to your case. Other possible legal resources to check out include websites such as Divorce.com, DivorceOnline.com and CompleteCase.com that offer state-specific legal forms to downloadable divorce kits.

No Fault Divorce Online is a website that promises a fast and easy “click and split” divorce for uncontested or default divorces, including various divorce forms and other divorce papers that are needed to get a divorce, however they are not divorce lawyers and do not give legal advice. There are also many do it yourself divorce books or divorce guide books with forms and papers included to help with the divorce process. Divorce is never easy or painless, at least not emotionally or mentally, but it is doable and you can survive it just fine even if your divorce is not completely 100% free.

(Disclaimer: I am not lawyer, and this site is provided for informational purposes only, so please don’t send me your personal case information. The views expressed herein are solely those of the author and do not constitute legal advice and should not be used as a substitute for legal advice from a professional attorney in your state. That means, this site is “as is”. No representations are made as to the accuracy, timeliness or completeness of the stuff here and you should not rely upon it as legal advice, because I don’t want to update this post every day. Use at your risk. This may be an advertisement, blah blah blah. Your mileage may vary. Past performance does not guarantee future returns. Do not run with scissors. Call your mother. FTC be damned)

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Finding good quality divorce books can seem like looking for a needle in a haystack, including helpful and informative books on divorce for children and teens, while parents primarily deal with the divorce process and their own emotions over the breakup of the family.

Getting a divorce is not only a difficult process to go through, but it’s also a highly emotional time for anyone who has ever been through a divorce or been affected by divorce, especially the children. Parents who feel that divorce is their only alternative need to think less about how to get a divorce and more thought and planning to providing their children the love and support they need before, during and after the separation and divorce.

Divorce books for children play an important role in helping kids deal with the stress, anxiety, fear, emotional pain and turmoil so common amongst children of divorce. If possible, have divorce children’s books ready and available before telling children about your divorce, but if your kids already know about your plans to get a divorce, be quick about getting your children the best divorce books available for children, as well as divorce books for teens, as opposed to focusing on getting a quick divorce.

Children’s Divorce Books

Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way, by M. Gary Neuman – Kids tend to blame themselves when parents divorce. The Sandcastles workshop–now mandatory in over a dozen counties throughout the United States–is a half-day group session for children of divorce between the ages of 6 and 17. Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce details many of the workshop exercises, all designed to increase communication, understanding, and togetherness between parents and kids.

It’s Not Your Fault, Koko Bear: A Read-Together Book for Parents and Young Children During Divorce, by Vicki Lansky – It’s Not Your Fault is an illustrative picture book designed to be read by parents to their children, between the ages of 3 to 7, focusing on the emotions that children of divorce experience such as fear, anger and sadness. Parents can use it help their kids express their emotions and concerns in a delicate and sensitive manner. Children are reassured that their feelings are natural, that their parents still love and will care for them, and that the divorce is not their fault. Included are targeted points for parents, offering information and advice about what the kids are going through, and the best way to handle each issue as it arises.

Mama and Daddy Bear’s Divorce, by Cornelia Maude Spelman – This book provides reassurance for young preschool children in particular. With simple sentence structure and picture illustrations showing children that, as painful and confusing as divorce may be for them, it does not mean that both parents will no longer be part of the child’s life. The words used to describe the divorce and what divorce means are carefully chosen, with the overall message that although the family does not live together, everyone is loved. Families with a strong emphasis on co-parenting will likely prefer a different book.

Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide to Changing Families, by Marc Brown & Laurie Krasny Brown – The chapters in Dinosaurs Divorce address such concerns as why parents divorce, what will happen to the child following the divorce, how and where holidays will be celebrated, living in two homes and when parents begin dating. It is a guide and resource for young children and parents with simple, easy-to-understand sentences for children ages 4-8, along with illustrated pictures that help young children discuss the feelings about the divorce and problems they are experiencing. It would be best for parents to pick and choose which chapters to read to the child as needed.

There are many good books for parents to read about separation and divorce that both mother’s and father’s would be benefited by. Deal with your own emotions of anger, fear, sadness, loss etc without adding to the child’s problems.

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