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People Pleasers and Doormats Care What People Think About Them

Lin — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 20:03:09 +0000

Are you a people pleaser? Do you care what people think about you? Should you care what other people think about you or not? Do you have the “disease to please” people in your life to the point where you feel like you have become someone’s personal doormat to wipe their dirty feet on? Do you have difficulty saying no to requests and then feel angry or resentful because you said yes, again? Who is pulling your strings?

By definition, people pleasers are people who have a disproportionate and unhealthy need in their personality to give in to the wants, whims and desires of others around them, to the point of sacrificing their own wants or needs. People pleasers, pushovers and doormats lack assertiveness skills and hold back from speaking up and saying what they really think or feel, and they hold back from asking for what they need or want because they’re worried someone will get upset about it.

Having a people pleasing personality is great…..until. Being considerate, thoughtful, gracious and willing to help others are admirable traits and characteristics, but suffering from doormat syndrome or being a people pleaser to your own detriment are not so admirable. People pleasers put other people’s needs before their own, rarely doing things for themselves and then feel guilty about it.

People pleasers spend time with difficult people who don’t care about or consider other people’s wants or needs above their own- not even a little bit. People pleasers will jump through hoops, so to speak, to make unhappy, insensitive, selfish, ungrateful, controlling, mentally and emotionally abusive people feel better about themselves, to their own detriment. If you are tolerating problematic family relationships out of a sense of duty, obligation or a sense of Christian responsibility, your personal concept and belief system of what family is or isn’t needs to be reexamined and analyzed closely.

People Pleasers and Doormat Syndrome

Are you dealing with extremely difficult people in your life? What does the term “toxic people” mean to you? Do you find yourself in personal or professional relationships where you feel used, abused, battered and beaten down mentally, emotionally, or perhaps even financially? Do you habitually give in to people because the mere thought of displeasing or upsetting them is too much for you to deal with? Do you spend too much of your time, energies or money trying to keep other people happy because of fear of what they will think of you if you stopped? Why do you care what others think about you?

If you routinely put your own needs aside because of wanting to make other people happy, perhaps discovering that he or she is not the least bit grateful or genuinely appreciative for the things you do, you are a classic people pleaser. Here’s some advice: Stop being a martyr, victim, people pleaser or doormat stressing out and worrying about what other people may or may not think of you.

Stop caring what people think about you and start living your life free of the stress, worry and anxiety about what others think or want from you. The cost of caring what your boss, coworkers, subordinates, friends, family members, spouse, grown adult children, parents, inlaws, siblings or other difficult relatives think about you needs to stop. Allowing the opinions of others in your life to control, manipulate and trample on your self-worth is too high a price to pay to feel accepted, liked, loved or validated.

Who is the puppet master in your life? Can you afford the high cost of people pleasing? If you suffer from people pleaser “excess niceness” syndrome, consider the following list of costs typically associated with being a people pleaser or doormat.

Loss of identity, self-respect, self-esteem and personal integrity. Burnout. Nagging doubt about being “good enough” for others. A debilitating sense of guilt, shame, insecurity and inability creating and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships. Difficulty or problems managing, leading or supervising others at home and/or work; inability or difficulty trusting others, accepting kindness, positive feedback or heartfelt compliments from others. Difficulty making decisions, sticking with and accomplishing personal goals, because people pleasers inherently make others a priority over themselves.

People pleasing personality types find it virtually impossible to deny any or all requests made upon them even when doing so creates stress, chaos, financial burden, anxiety attacks, depression and even bankruptcy. The need for the approval and acceptance of others becomes debilitating for people pleasers, where fear of saying no and the intense aversion to confrontations or angry reprisals causes people pleasers to give in time after time after time.

Stop caring what people think about you. Relying on the opinions of others for approval, acceptance and validation is a self-sabotaging behavior and is detrimental to your health, happiness and wellbeing. Harriet B. Braikder, Ph.D writes in her book The Disease To Please, “As a people-pleaser, you feel controlled by your need to please others and addicted to their approval. At the same time, you feel out of control over the pressures and demands on your life that these needs have created”. Does that sound rational to you?

Not caring how other people think or feel towards you doesn’t mean that you should become selfish or egotistical, or that you should make your personal wants, preferences and needs the only priority in your life. Not at all. I’m suggesting that your needs are just as important as anyone else’s; that you should avoid seeking acceptance or approval from people who have their own selfish agenda.

Do things for others because you really care about them and want to, rather than out of fear that they won’t like you or will abandon you if you don’t do what they want. Stop allowing other people’s opinions, needs or wants to control or dictate who or what you are as a person.

If someone doesn’t like you or stops liking you because you don’t do what they want, then you’re being used by them and they are not someone you need in your life anyway. Take your power back. Learn to let go of the disease to please other people and remind yourself that you ARE good enough!

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Goal Setting: Setting Personal and Finance Goals for 2009

Lin — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 10:00:49 +0000

Goal setting, setting personal goals and financial goals in 2009 is what many of us are focusing our time and energies on, as opposed to making new year resolutions that are too often forgotten and dismissed within a matter of weeks.

With the current economic recession and concerns about job layoffs, getting out of debt or managing debt, the increasing number of home foreclosures in the U.S. etc, making a goal to get smart about money and money management is a wise decision for individuals and families.

Personal Finance Blogs

“Telling It Like It Is” is not a personal finance blog per se, although I have talked at length about the Entitlement Epidemic that has been running rampant in society for many years, and the effect entitlement has had on young children, teenagers, grown adult children and parents.

I am subscribed to a generous number of personal finance blogs who offer great advice, suggestions, reviews and recommendations on setting personal goals, financial goals, being frugal and saving money, as personal finance and frugal living is of interest to me.

I’ve read numerous goal setting software reviews and ultimately decided on the goal setting software that I liked best; I’ve purchased Suze Orman’s new book, “Suze Orman’s 2009 Action Plan”, and am currently re-reading Suze Orman’s book, “Women & Money: Owning the Power to Control Your Destiny” while waiting for Suze’s Action Plan book to arrive in the mail.

My Personal Goals for 2009

I hate to admit it, but I need to lose a few pounds since I’m beginning to develop a big belly, so losing weight is just one of my personal goals this year. Losing thirty five pounds by August 2009 is quite doable in my opinion. After reading many elliptical reviews and deciding between an elliptical trainer vs. treadmill, I’m confident I will lose this weight with the help of my brand new Elliptical Trainer, the Alli Weight Loss pill and a low-calorie, low-fat diet plan.

I/we have set financial goals for 2009 as well, so I thought I’d share with you a few blog posts that I’ve been reading lately, and while you’re at it be sure to subscribe to these blogs (don’t forget to subscribe to Telling It Like It Is too) for free updates either by RSS feed or email subscriptions.

What are your personal or financial goals for 2009? Lose weight? Get out of debt? Manage debt and/or save money? Start an emergency fund? Find a job or find a better job? Keep your house from going into foreclosure? Spend more time with your family?

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Book Giveaway: Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children

Lin — Fri, 09 May 2008 11:00:48 +0000

I recently had the opportunity to interview Allison Bottke about her book, Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children, and I have one extra book that I’m going to give away! It is my hope that this book will really help an enabling parent, one that is struggling with the stress of getting an adult child to take care of him or herself financially, and in any other way.

If you haven’t yet had the chance to read my interview with Allison, I recommend you do so, as she is a phenomenal author and she gave a great interview.

This book giveaway is for Allison Bottke’s book, Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents. The winner will be chosen by random draw on Wednesday, May 14th and will be notified by email, along with the request for full name and U.S. only address of where to send the book.

If you are interested in entering the drawing for Allison’s book, please let me know by leaving a comment below, with the understanding that I will not spam you or use your information for anything other than this book giveaway.

Have you made Mother’s Day plans yet? Whatcha gonna do?

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Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents

Lin — Thu, 01 May 2008 07:00:43 +0000

If you have not yet heard of Allison Bottke and her latest book, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing, I would like to introduce to you this brilliant author. I recently had the opportunity to interview Allison about her book, and her efforts to help parents who are struggling with adult children living at home, and the often burdensome problems parents are experiencing in learning the difference between helping and enabling.

Allison is a frequent guest on radio and TV programs around the country, the 700 Club featured her life story in what has become one of their highest rated programs ever, and she has appeared on the covers of such national magazines as Writer’s Digest, BOND, The Christian Communicator, O.H. Magazine and others. With 23 non-fiction and fiction books published since 2001, Allison speaks and teaches at conferences around the country. Her column for baby boomer women, Boomer Babes Rock! appears monthly in Christian Women Online (CWO). Without further ado, please allow me to introduce Allison Bottke to Telling It Like It Is.

A special opening message from Allison Bottke: I want to personally thank Lin for taking the time to read my newest non-fiction book and for sharing it here today on the Setting Boundaries May Blog Tour. Lin, You are helping to spread the word about a topic that desperately needs to be addressed—with a message already striking a chord in hearts around the nation.

Our country is in a crisis of epidemic proportion concerning adult children whose lives are spinning out of control—leaving parents and grandparents broken-hearted and confused. This painful issue is destroying individuals, families, marriages, churches, and communities. I believe in my heart that you are reading this message today for a very specific reason. Do you know someone who has an adult child who is always in crisis? An adult child who brings chaos to virtually every situation? Could this painful issue be touching your life today?

If so, there’s a truth I’ve come to embrace that has changed my life—it can change yours, too. It’s taken me more years than I care to admit, but I no longer believe in “coincidences.” The truth I’ve come to embrace is that God is the Master of orchestrating “God-cidences.” He has a plan for who he wants us to meet, what lessons he wants us to learn, even what books he wants us to read. He even has a plan for the trials and tribulations of life.

When we begin to look at everything that happens to us throughout the day as “God-cidences” (and not accidental coincidences) it changes the way we view our world.

That said, my prayer is that you will see the following message and the book; Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing as a “God-cidence” placed into your life today for a powerful purpose. Perhaps it’s to help heal your family or the family of a loved one. Perhaps you are here to help us introduce this resource to a broader audience via additional media contacts you may have. Whatever the “God-cidence” may be, please know our primary goal is to bring hope and healing to families around the nation—thank you for helping us do that.

I pray you will view what you are about to read as a “God-cidence” meant just for you.

God Bless and Keep You,

Allison Bottke

LIN: The book comes out of your own personal experience with your son. Please tell us about that.

ALLISON: For years I really thought I was helping my son. I wanted him to have the things I never had growing up. I love my son, and I didn’t want him to hurt—but sometimes pain is a natural result of the choices we make. For a long time I didn’t understand the part I was playing in the ongoing drama that had become my son’s life—I didn’t understand that I didn’t have to live in constant chaos and crisis because of his choices. When I chose to stop the insanity and start living a life of hope and healing my life changed. It’s a feeling I want other struggling parents and grandparents to experience. I want other parents to know that change is possible when we choose to stop the destructive cycle of enabling. And we can stop it. I know, because I’ve done it.

LIN: How can we determine whether we are helping versus enabling our children?

ALLISON: Helping is doing something for someone that he is not capable of doing himself.

Enabling is doing for someone things that he could and should be doing himself.

An enabler is a person who recognizes that a negative circumstance is occurring on a regular basis and yet continues to enable the person with the problem to persist with his detrimental behaviors. Simply, enabling creates an atmosphere in which our adult children can comfortably continue their unacceptable behavior.

LIN: What are some of the most common ways that parents enable their children?

ALLISON: Being the Bank of Mom and Dad, or the Bank of Grandma and Grandpa. Loaning money that is never repaid, buying things they can’t afford and don’t really need. Continually coming to their rescue so they don’t feel the pain—the consequences—of their actions and choices. Accepting excuses that we know are excuses—and in some instances are downright lies. Blaming ourselves for their problems. We have given too much and expected too little.

LIN: You say there are two separate yet intrinsically combined things going on when we look at the pathology of enabling our adult children, what are those two things?

ALLISON: #1. We have the issue of the dysfunctional child himself—the product of our enabling. Most often, we are dealing with adult children who have no concept of healthy boundaries as they pertain to their parents and grandparents. Many are dealing with addictions to alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, gambling, and more. Some of these children are involved in illegal activity, while others have been in and out of jail numerous times. Some are abusive to us. Some have jobs while others do not, most have extreme financial challenges.

Others are still living at home, and some have even moved their spouse or “significant other” into their parents’ home with them. Many have been in and out of treatment centers, most often at the urging (and cost) of their parents. While we cannot change the behavior of our adult children, we can change how we respond to their actions and to their choices. We can, and must, begin to establish healthy boundaries and rules.

#2. Then, we have the issue of our own personal health and growth (or lack thereof.) For many of us, we have spent years taking care of, bailing out, coming to the rescue, making excuses for, crying over, praying for, and otherwise focusing an unhealthy amount of time and attention on this adult child, that we have neglected our own mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health.

Many of us have neglected other family members as well, as the adult child has taken so much of our energy. Some of us are now experiencing severe financial ramifications from having enabled our adult child. Others are finding their marriage falling apart as tempers flair and situations spiral out of control. What is it inside us that makes us respond in such a way—that makes us enable our adult children?

LIN: What are some things that parents can do to break the cycle of enabling?

ALLISON: Follow the six steps to S.A.N.I.T.Y.: Stop blaming yourself and stop the flow of money. Stop continually rescuing your adult children from one mess after another. Assemble a support group of other parents in the same situation. Nip excuses in the bud. Implement rules and boundaries. Trust your instincts. Yield everything to God, because you’re not in control. These six things can start a parent on the road to S.A.N.I.T.Y. in an insane situation that is spinning out of control. However, a key issue in breaking the cycle of enabling is to understand whose problem it really is.

LIN: What is the ultimate goal of Setting Boundaries?

ALLISON:While recognizing and identifying enabling issues must come before positive change can be made, it is the eventual peace and healing parents will feel as they gain power in their own lives that is the goal of this book. It’s a tough love book for coping with dysfunctional adult children, as well as getting our own lives back on track, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children empowers families by offering hope and healing through six S.A.N.I.T.Y. steps. I walk parents through a six step program to regaining control in their home, and in their life.

LIN: What are the six steps for hope and healing you refer to in Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children?

ALLISON: S.A.N.I.T.Y. Six Steps for Regaining a Healthy Relationship with Adult Children

S = STOP Enabling, STOP Blaming Yourself, and STOP the Flow of Money
A = Assemble a Support Group
N = Nip Excuses in the Bud
I = Implement Rules/Boundaries
T = Trust Your Instincts
Y = Yield Everything to the Higher Power of God (Surrender)

LIN: Tell us about the S.A.N.I.T.Y. Support Group Network you founded. How can people get involved? ALLISON: The “A” step in S.A.N.I.T.Y. is to ASSEMBLE a support group. This is a vital component in being able to look at our situations more objectively. We have developed a powerful Companion Study Guide that can be read individually or in a group setting. This Companion Study Guide contains all the information you need to conduct a S.A.N.I.T.Y. Support group in your neighborhood or community. Visit our web site here to find out more: .The S.A.N.I.T.Y. Support Group Network is a powerful resource to help parents and grandparents who have challenging adult children gain S.A.N.I.T.Y. in a world spinning out of control. During the years I spent as an enabling parent there were no support groups available for me as a parent in pain. Although it’s a tremendously successful program, AA wasn’t quite right for me, and I attended a few Alanon meetings, but the kind of empowering strength I needed for my situation wasn’t available. I needed to hear from others who had walked in my shoes—I needed to hear what they were doing that worked. I needed people around me who would lovingly hold me accountable to my own choices as I experienced the journey of parenting and enabling a dysfunctional adult child. I needed an action plan to help me make changes in my life.I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt as I was writing Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Child that a vital part of the outreach would be the development of an international support group network based on the six S.A.N.I.T.Y. steps I had developed.We need a resource that can help us to set appropriate boundaries and get some S.A.N.I.TY. in our households, as well as assuring us that we are walking in God’s will. Following the steps outlined in Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Child is a start in addressing this issue. Attending, and/or facilitating a S.A.N.I.T.Y. Support Group in your community is the next vital step in gaining hope as you walk the often painful path to healing.

ALLISON: I encourage your readers to tell me what they think about Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing. I really do want to hear reader feedback. They can reach me at: SettingBoundaries@SanitySupport.com. Please be sure to visit our web site at http://www.sanitysupport.com/blogtourguests.htm where they will find additional resources for helping them on their road to S.A.N.I.T.Y. Remember to tell a friend in need and help save a life!

I would like to personally thank Allison for taking the time out of her busy tour schedule to speak with me personally about a topic I am very passionate about. It is my sincere hope that parents have been helped to understand that enabling children (whether adults, teenagers or even younger children), is harmful to their wellbeing and it needs to stop now.

Helping and Enabling: Is There A Difference?

Are You An Enabler? Identifying Early Warning Signs of Enabling Behaviors

How To Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us

How To Teach Children about Money and Money Management

Parenting Tips: Raising Children With Tough Love

Closing The Bank of Mom and Dad

Raising Independent Children, Not Moochers

Children Who Refuse To Grow Up

A Sense of Entitlement

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How To Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us

Lin — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 11:00:59 +0000

Being a responsible parent is never an easy task, from the time our children first enter the world and well into adulthood, our job as parents to teach and train our children in all areas of life is often fraught with one obstacle after another, and parents need to know how to deal with the problems as they occur as well as prevent as many problems as possible.

Regular readers of Telling It Like It Is are likely familiar with previous articles where I have discussed the mounting entitlement issues so prevalent in society today, with adult children still living at home with mom and dad, and the struggles parents have in getting their adult children to be responsible financially, mentally and emotionally. For new subscribers and visitors, here are a list of the articles I’ve written that deal with money management, helping and enabling adult children, teenagers and yes, even very young children:

Are Parents Helping or Enabling Their Adult Children?

Helping and Enabling: Is There a Difference?

Are You an Enabler? Identifying Early Warning Signs of Enabling Behaviors

Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents

How to Teach Your Children About Money and Money Management

Raising Children With Tough Love-Parenting Tips

Closing the Bank of Mom and Dad

Raising Independent Children – Not Moochers

Children Who Refuse to Grow Up

A Sense of Entitlement

Getting adult children to be responsible for themselves in all areas of life is often hindered by well-meaning parents who want to “help” their children become independent or, “get back on their feet”, but instead come to realize later on that the help provided never seems to end.

Adult children continue to make poor choices and bad decisions regarding how they spend their money, then expect mom and dad to pick up the tab and continuously rescue them from experiencing the consequences of their choices and behaviors, wrongly thinking their parents are a 24-hour bank or ATM machine.

Enabling Adult Children

Adult children, some married with children of their own, are moving back home with their parents at an alarming rate, and shortly thereafter parents become frustrated when boundaries and rules are repeatedly broken, and requests for more money requires parents to dig deep into their life savings and retirement plans to the point where parents have gone broke helping their children.

Enabling occurs even when children are not living with the parents, with adult children and spouse working full-time jobs continuing to make regular phone calls to parents asking for money to pay utility bills because “It’s going to get shut off!”, or saying their “car is going to be repossessed” or the old standby, “We have no food in the house!”. My response would be, “I’m sorry to hear that but I can’t help you this time, and I have full trust and confidence that you will find a solution to the problem, and do what is necessary to make sure it doesn’t happen again”. Real NEED creates REAL motivation for change.

Not being an enabler myself, my message to parents is, “Just say no! Don’t give them anymore money and by all means, Kick them out of the house and change the locks!” I’ve heard from many parents who tell me their adult children are constantly asking for money “to pay bills”, while these “adults” are spending their own money on manicures, pedicures, Botox treatments, new clothes, expensive cell phones, concerts and sporting events, electronic gadgets and other luxuries, all while “there is no food in the house”.

Learn How To Let Go Of The Control

Enablers have to learn how to “let go” of their adult children, let go of the control and Co-Dependent tendencies that run rampant amongst enabling parents and their children, allowing their adult children to experience the consequences that go with making choices on their own.

Continuously rescuing adult children, paying their bills, giving them money, allowing them to live at home with the parents, shielding them from the realities of how the real world works has created an Entitlement society. Today’s society of teenagers and adult children have come to believe their parents “owe” them whatever their hearts desire, and if parents don’t put a stop to it and close the bank of mom and dad, the problems of entitlement are only going to get worse.

When your adult children ask you for money tell them, “I’m sorry but I can’t help you this time”. The next time they ask, repeat the same sentence. Do not give your adult children any more money! Able-bodied children, working or not, can and need to learn how to manage their own lives, and that cannot be accomplished as long as children know that parents are their personal “back up plan”.

Why would your children make the grownup decision to get smart with their money, when they know they can spend their own money frivolously on their extensive “want” list, knowing you will give them a handout time after time? Stop it and stop it now, before you find yourselves penniless in your elderly years with no financial means to take care of yourself.

How To Stop Enabling Adult Children

Children know what buttons to push with parents, especially when there are grandchildren being used as an excuse to get money from parents and grandparents, making it vitally important to learn how to stop enabling irresponsible adult children.

If your children have jobs of their own, no one is going to starve to death, and while their electric might be turned off due to bad choices, allowing them to experience the consequences of their own decisions really is helping them more than you may realize.

Oftentimes people in society equate enabling with alcoholics or drug abuse, with many books being written on how parents and family members can help these children and adults conquer their problems, but the overall subject of helping vs. enabling covers a wide range of relationship dynamics between parents and children, but without an equal number of books and resources.

Stop Enabling Your Adult Children

When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us : Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives If you are a parent of adult children still living at home, or children continuously asking for money or help in some way, you must read this book. You don’t have to a Baby Boomer to appreciate the problem parents have in dealing with children moving back home with mom and dad, and taking advantage of the situation and their parents desire to help their kids get on their feet financially or otherwise. The writer, Jane Adams, reassures parents that they’ve done their jobs and that they don’t have to spend the rest of their lives picking up the pieces for their grown children, emotionally, financially, or otherwise. With warmth, empathy, and perspective, Dr. Adams offers a positive, life-affirming message to parents who are still trying to “fix” their adult children — Stop! She shows us how to separate from their problems without separating from them, and how to be a positive force in their lives while getting on with our own.

Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children As long as we continue to keep enabling our adult children, they will continue to deny they have any problems, since most of their problems are being “solved” by those around him. Only when our adult children are forced to face the consequences of their own actions—their own choices—will it finally begin to sink in how deep their patterns of dependence and avoidance have become. And only then will we as parents be able to take the next step to real healing, forever ending our enabling habits and behaviors.

The Enabler: When Helping Hurts the Ones You Love
Co-dependency of which enabling is a major element can and does exist in families where there is no chemical dependency. Angelyn Millers own experience is a dramatic example: neither she nor her husband drank, yet her family was floundering in that same dynamic. In spite of her best efforts to fix everything (and everyone), the turmoil continued until she discovered that helping wasn’t helping. Miller recounts how she learned to alter the way she responded to family crises and general neediness, forever breaking the cycle of co-dependency. Offering insights, practical techniques, and hope, she shows us how we can transform enabling relationships into healthy ones.

Toughlove
I’m a big believer in being a tough parent, setting guidelines and boundaries with children regardless of their age, and staying firm on what behaviors are or are not acceptable. Toughlove is not about being abusive towards our children, nor is it solely focused on children with drug or alcohol addictions, and I highly recommend this book for parents struggling with their children, teens and adult kids.

Are you an Enabler? Have you been struggling with the difficulties in trying to understand how to help your adult child but find yourself in the rather upsetting position of being an enabler? Do you understand that there is a difference between helping and enabling? What changes are you willing to make in letting go of the control over your children’s lives, so they can be independent and responsible financially, mentally and emotionally?

Further Reading:

Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children
Support Groups for Parents with Grown Adult Children Living at Home with Parents

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A Child’s Ten Commandments For Parents

Lin — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 11:00:42 +0000

Even parents need occasional reminders on how to be a loving, responsible parent to children, from the day our children are born and even into adulthood.

Taking a look at how our children view the world in general, and their perceptions on our parenting skills, can help parents improve their communication style that builds self-confidence and self-esteem in children that are necessary to succeed in life.

Ten Commandments for Parents:

1. My hands are small; please don’t expect perfection whenever I make my bed, draw a picture or throw a ball. My legs are short; please slow down so that I can keep up with you.

Remember, it’s our parental responsibility to teach and train our children how to do even the basics of life such as, how to make a bed, how to brush their teeth properly, how to prepare simple meals, how to dust and vacuum, but not expecting perfection in each task. As children learn each new life skill, give them opportunities to practice these in your own home, so young children and teenagers can feel good about themselves and build confidence in their own abilities.

2. My eyes have not seen the world as yours have; please let me explore safely; don’t restrict me unnecessarily.

It should go without saying but, this advice does not include allowing our children such a wide berth of “freedom to explore” their surroundings in such a way that might put children at risk of being harmed or abused in some way.

3. Housework will always be there. I’m only little for such a short time-please take the time to explain things to me about this wonderful world and do so willingly.

4. My feelings are tender; please be sensitive to my needs; don’t nag me all day long. (You wouldn’t want to be nagged for your inquisitiveness). Treat me as you would like to be treated.

No matter how busy we are as parents, taking care of the home, jobs and other duties, make sure you are taking/making the time to really listen to your children. Physically stop whatever you’re doing when your child wants or needs to talk to you, rather than thoughtlessly telling children you are “too busy right now”, making sure you are giving your child undivided attention and looking directly into their eyes when they are speaking.

5. I am a special gift; please treasure me as my Creator intended you to do, holding me accountable for my actions, giving me guidelines to live by and disciplining me in a loving manner.

6. I need your encouragement, not just your praise to grow. Please go easy on the criticism; you can criticize the things I do without criticizing me.

7. Please give me the freedom to make decisions concerning myself. Permit me to fail, so that I can learn from my own mistakes. Then someday I will be prepared to make the kind of decisions life will require of me.

8. Please don’t do things over for me. Somehow that makes me feel that my efforts didn’t quite measure to your expectations. I know it’s hard, but please don’t try to compare me to my brother or sister.

If you have the tendency to give your child a chore to do, but continuously follow closely behind to re-do the chore “your way”, you might need to consider if you are really helping or enabling your child’s efforts to grow and fully develop.

9. Please don’t be afraid to leave for a weekend together. Kids need a vacation from parents, just as parents need vacations from kids. Besides it’s a great way to show us kids that your marriage is very special.

Taking and making time to be alone with your spouse, over a weekend trip or during “Date Night” away from the kids, is beneficial for children as well as for married couples. It’s so easy to get bogged down with various aspects of daily living that we may find the fire and romance in marriage once enjoyed, before the kids came along, begins to slip away from us.

10. Please set a good example for me to follow in all the ways of life. I enjoy watching the things you do and want to do them just like you do.

The old saying, “Children learn what they live” couldn’t be more true, so make sure as parents that the attitude and behaviors children learn are the ones you really want your children to exhibit in their lives.

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Are You An Enabler? Identifying Early Warning Signs of Enabling Behaviors

Lin — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 10:00:35 +0000

I received an email yesterday from a parent who has read my previous posts regarding helping and enabling adult children, and is seeking help with her teenage son’s bad attitude and behavior problems. Since her child is not yet an adult, she wonders if those previous posts apply to her situation or not. I’m going to explain the problems that were told to me and what my response was, and I’m counting on you to chime in with your own thoughts and reactions, since she is interested in seeing what my readers will say on the subject.

A mother of a 16-year old teenage boy wrote to me saying that her son has become increasingly disrespectful towards her over the last couple of years, going so far as to cuss and swear at his parents over what she refers to as “trivial matters”. This mother, I’ll call her “Jane”, says that she has always prided herself on doing everything she possibly could to make things as easy on her son as possible, including preparing her son’s school lunches, doing his laundry, cleaning his room, making his bed, giving him spending money etc, but says “nothing I do for my son is appreciated, and he’s always asking for more money and telling his father and I to leave him alone”, followed by the slamming of his bedroom door.

“Jane” discussed the problems with other family members and close friends, and they have all told her that she needs to “learn to let go” of her son and stop controlling his life. She was also told by her husband that she’s “enabling” their son, and that she needs to allow their son to deal with the responsibilities that go with growing up and becoming a responsible adult. Those responses, along with being told that she is “too close” to her son, caused her to begin looking for information about what it means to be an enabler, in order to improve her relationship with her son.

Are You An Enabler?

I was very surprised that Jane continues to do these various chores for her teenage son, including making his lunches, cleaning his room and doing his laundry, even though her son is fully capable of doing these things for himself. Jane was shocked to learn that my now-grown children were taught from a young age how to do their own laundry, and that they began doing it themselves since they were about 10-years old, because I taught them how. I also allowed them the freedom to do these things on their own, so they could feel proud of themselves and their own accomplishments.

I explained to Jane that from the time my children learned how to walk, I began teaching my children everything they needed to know in order to become responsible, independent adults. Each of my children learned how to prepare basic meals, including cooking on the stove, from a very young age. I still remember the excitement in their young voices when they each learned how to make macaroni & cheese, or grilled cheese sandwiches, and the sheer glee of knowing they did it all by themselves (while I carefully observed of course). My sons were not going to grow up with the idea that cooking and cleaning was “women’s work”, and my daughter’s were not going to grow up thinking they “need a man to take care of them”.

Early Warning Signs Of Enabling Behaviors

There are times in relationships when we cross that sometimes invisible line between truly being helpful and supportive and acting as enablers, or becoming co-dependent with another person. Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, in her work with families, suggests that 96% of the general population, and persons in helping professions especially, exhibit some forms of co-dependent behavior at one time or in fairly consistent patterns or both. What does that behavior “look like”?

1. Do you find yourself worrying about a person in ways that consume your time, or do you find yourself trying to come up with solutions to his/ her problems rather than letting that person do the solving?

2. Do you find yourself afraid for this person, or convinced that he/she “cannot handle” a situation or relationship without “falling apart”?

3. Do you ever do something for a person which he/she could and even should be doing for him or herself?

4. Do you ever excuse this person’s behavior as being a result of “stress, misunderstanding, or difficulty coping,” even when the behavior hurts or inconveniences you?

5. Have you ever considered giving/given this person money, your car, or talked to someone for this person as a way of reducing this person’s pain?

6. Do you feel angry if this person does not follow through with something you have suggested – or do you worry that you may not be doing enough for this person?

7. Do you ever feel you have a unique and special relationship with this person, unlike anyone else they may know?

8. Do you feel protective of this person – even though he/she is an adult and is capable of taking care of his/her life?

9. Do you ever wish others in this person’s life would change their behavior or attitudes to make things easier for this person?

10. Do you feel responsible for getting this person help?

11. Do you feel reluctant to refer an individual to a source of help or assistance, uncertain if another person can understand or appreciate this person’s situation the way you do?

12. Do you ever feel manipulated by this person but ignore your feelings?

13. Do you ever feel that no one understands this person as you do?

14. Do you ever feel that you know best what another person needs to do or that you recognize his/her needs better than he/she does?

15. Do you sometimes feel alone in your attempts to help a person or do you feel you may be the only person to help this individual?

16. Do you ever want to make yourself more available to another person, at the expense of your own energy, time, or commitments?

17. Do you find yourself realizing that an individual may have more problems than you initially sensed and that you will need to give him/her your support or help for a long time?

18. Do you ever feel, as a result of getting to know this person, that you feel energized and can see yourself helping people like him/her to solve their problems?

19. Have you ever begun to “see yourself” in this person and his/her problems?

20. Has anyone ever suggested to you that you are “too close” to this person or this situation?

If you have answered “yes” to two or more of these questions, it is likely that, at one time or another – or on a regular basis – you have crossed the line from being supportive to being an enabler or co-dependent.

Just Say No To Enabling

I am a firm believer in the old saying, “Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you’ve fed him for a lifetime.” Does that put me in line for the next “mother of the year award”? No. It only means I take parenting very seriously. It is the responsibility of each and every parent, mothers and fathers alike, to teach and train their children how to become responsible, independent, self-sufficient adults.

Very young children can and need to be taught how to pick up after themselves; putting their clothes and toys in their proper place; how to make their bed; how to wash dishes; how to dust and vacuum; how to properly clean a bathroom; how to cook or prepare basic meals, etc. But most importantly, parents must allow their children the needed age-appropriate independence, in order to have pride in their own achievements. When children have learned how to do these basics of living, parents must learn to let go of any controlling tendencies, such as not criticizing their children when chores aren’t completed “perfectly”.

My advice to Jane was that she immediately stop the enabling behaviors, and allow her teenage son to do for himself what he is capable of doing, as well as lovingly teach her son the life-skills that he may be lacking. Looking at the situation from a teenager’s point of view, I can see how Jane’s son might feel oppressed and angry by his mother’s efforts to make things as “easy on him as possible”, and I believe his angry outbursts and door slamming is his way of acting out his frustrations of being controlled. He’s growing up to become a man, and he needs to know that his mother and father have faith and trust in his ability to handle the many responsibilities of being an adult.

Now it’s your turn to add to the discussion by leaving a comment below. Do you have a personal story about helping vs. enabling? What age did you begin teaching your children how to do certain things for themselves? Do you perhaps see yourself as being an enabler? What advice would you give Jane?

Further Reading:

Parenting Without Pressure
Helping and Enabling-Is There A Difference?
Are Parents Helping or Enabling Their Adult Children?
Children Who Refuse To Grow Up
How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us
Support Groups for Parents with Grown Adult Children Living at Home with Parents

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Archive Posts Meme-Tag, You’re It!

Lin — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 02:00:33 +0000

I’ve gotten pretty far behind in responding to various meme’s that I’ve been tagged with, so I wanted to be sure to get busy with this Archive Posts Meme that Hungry Mother tagged me and others with recently.

Archive Meme Instructions: Go back through your archives and post the links to your five favorite blog posts that you’ve written. … but there is a catch:

Link 1 must be about family.

Link 2 must be about friends.

Link 3 must be about yourself, who you are… what you’re all about.

Link 4 must be about something you love.

Link 5 can be anything you choose.

I think this is a great way to circulate some of the great older posts everyone had written, return to a few great places in our memories and also learn a little something about ourselves and each other that we may not know. Post your five links and then tag five other people. At least TWO of the people you tag must be newer acquaintances so that you get to know each other better….and don’t forget to read the archive posts and leave comments!

My Favorite Family Post- “Taking A Bite Out Of The Sandwich Generation“, where I discuss the trials and tribulations of having had my elderly father in-law living with us.

My Favorite Friends Post- “Don’t Be That Girl” where I mention a friend of mine who has evolved over time into a that girl.

My Favorite About Me Post- “Sometimes Kids Can Drive Parents Nuts” not only shows that I practice what I preach on my blog, but I’m also a Tough Love advocate. Oh heck, I can’t leave out my “Too Young To Be This D*** Old” post, it was just too fun to do.

Favorite Something I Love Post- “Social Networking For You Whiners” because I love giving helpful tips about things I’ve learned along the way.

Lastly, Favorite My Choice Post- “Are Parents Helping or Enabling Their Adult Children?” because far too many people in society don’t understand that there is a difference between helping vs. enabling our children. I get a lot of search engine traffic to this post as well as continued questions and comments from parents struggling with their personal situations at home.

Now, who to tag for this one? Hmm…

Meg at Dipping Into The Blogpond

Kevin at Change Your Tree

John at John Is Fit

Linda at Exceptional Dental Practice Management

Sephy at Sephyroth

Snos at Snoskred-Life In The Country

Daisy the Curly Cat

Kacie at Cents To Save

Mandy at Texas Medical Freak

Ben at The Ben Spark

What?! Something wrong? Oh, you’re noticing that I linked to 10 blogs instead of just the five indicated in the meme rules, eh? Well…not to worry. Sometimes a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

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Helping and Enabling – Is There A Difference?

Lin — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 12:00:35 +0000

Is there really a difference between helping and enabling? What is enabling? What are the causes and effects of this behavior on both the “enabler” and the person being “helped”? Helping is doing something for someone else that they are unable to do for themselves. Enabling is doing things for someone else that they can and should be doing for themselves. So, why is there so much confusion between the two?

We have many opportunities in our lives to help someone else, whether it be amongst those of our own families, close friends or complete strangers. Perhaps someone you know has become ill, and you help them by arranging and bringing meals to them until they are well enough to do it for themselves again. A friend’s car may be in the shop getting fixed and you help them by driving them to and from work until their car is in good running order again.

Maybe someone you know has run into a bit of bad luck and is in need of temporary financial help to tide them over for awhile until their situation improves. Did you notice the optimal word, “until”? Providing temporary help to someone in need exemplifies kindness and consideration towards the receiver of help, but it also makes us feel wonderful inside when we are able to do so. But it is still temporary.

What then is enabling?

Enabling is entirely a different matter, but oftentimes gets confused as “help” by well-intentioned family members, friends and even neighbors. Remember, enabling is doing things for someone else that they CAN and SHOULD be doing for themselves. Many people think of enabling strictly in regards to alcoholics or drug addicts, whose family and friends make excuses for unacceptable behaviors, thus creating an atmosphere of comfort and ease for the situation to continue long-term.

Enabling vs. helping has a much broader meaning, encompassing many areas of life, including raising children to become independent adults rather than contributing to the increasing phenomenon of grown children returning home to live with their parents. When we enable addicts, children, friends or family, we are preventing them from experiencing the consequences of their own actions. We are not only preventing them from realizing they have a problem, but we are also depriving them of fully reaching their own potential.

Examples of enabling behaviors-

Sharon is an 36 year-old woman who can and should be working to care for her two small children, but she’s not. She has her own apartment that she shares with her children, and her own car. Sharon hasn’t worked a day in the last six years, since giving birth to her second child. Why? Because her mother and two sisters are paying all of Sharon’s bills, covering bounced checks and bank fees, buying all her groceries, paying her car payment each month, and even gives Sharon spending money. Sharon is not sick, she is not mentally or physically disabled in any way, but she has found a way of avoiding the responsibilities that go with being an adult with the “help” of her family.

Paul is a 28 year-old man who, although working full-time in the construction industry and making a very good income, is still living at home with his parents. All of his free time is spent watching television or playing video games, while others in the household carry full responsibility for paying the mortgage, utilities, household chores etc., while Paul remains stationery on the couch or in his bedroom. Paul is in good health, fully capable of providing for himself, but can’t think of a valid reason why he should be living on his own. His money is spent on month-long trips out of the country, purchasing movies and video games to add to his collection, and buying new clothes. Why? Because the parents are enabling Paul by allowing him to continue living with them, when he can and should be living on his own as an adult.

The Best Of Intentions Often Back-fire

Helping someone in need is truly admirable, until. Enabling someone is not so admirable, fraught with complications that can last indefinitely. Society tells us that a “good” mother or father gives their children everything they themselves never had. Society tells us to try and make things “easier” for our children, but where has this idea really gotten us?

Being an enabler has it’s own payoff, with a false sense of control over the lives of others. Well-intentioned parents, friends and even strangers can often find themselves feeling frustrated, resentful and used, but lack the will to stop the enabling. The “help” provided to those lacking the motivation and determination to stand on their own two feet has become a long-term expectation and outright demand by many. Are you an enabler?

Turning Enabling Behaviors Into Positive Potential-

Friends, family, neighbors, co-workers etc must learn to redirect their “helping” efforts with Tough Love, allowing persons to recognize and accept the responsibilities and consequences of their own choices, rather than enabling the continuance of unacceptable behaviors to the detriment of everyone involved. Take responsibility for any enabling behaviors, which is considered by some experts to be akin to abuse, realizing that creating positive change in someone being “helped” will not only have a positive impact on them but on you as well. There really is a difference between helping and enabling, but it is up to you to choose whether to continue on this path or to put a stop to it now.

A Sense of Entitlement
Children Who Refuse To Grow Up
Are Parents Helping Or Enabling Their Adult Children?
Are You An Enabler? Identifying Early Warning Signs of Enabling Behaviors
How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us
Support Groups for Parents with Grown Adult Children Living at Home with Parents

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Are Parents Helping Or Enabling Their Adult Children?

Lin — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 23:36:00 +0000

The primary job of a parent is to prepare their children for how the world really works. We teach and train our children from childhood the knowledge and skills necessary to become independent adults, self-sufficient and upstanding members of society.

In the real world, you don’t always get what you want.

Many young adults today have unrealistic expectations when they initially go out on their own. Many feel they are entitled to immediately live a middle-class life style (or better), because that’s what they’re used to, and because they haven’t learned that there is a difference between helping and enabling.

They weren’t born, or were very young children, during the years their parents struggled to make ends meet, pay their bills (and on time), having to eat hot dogs and beans instead of steak dinners, struggling to live within their means.

Many young adults are living at home with their parents, not out of true need, but out of what I refer to as the “Whine Factor.” They whine about the costs of housing, and how they just “couldn’t possibly live in a tiny little apartment, in a sub-standard neighborhood.” They whine about having to live on red beans and rice, ramen noodles, or macaroni and cheese, because their current salary doesn’t allow for the kinds of meals they were used to at their parents home. (Someone get me a tissue…..snif)

What happened to teaching our children how the Real World is?! That in order to have the things you want, you have to work very hard. That you have to perhaps work two jobs instead of one, all the while going to college? Many young adults, some who now have children of their own, believe their parents somehow “owe them” financial assistance, to rescue them from the burden of their own poor money-management habits! What?! Excuse ME…..?!

Let me see if I get this right. Young adults, married or living together, working full-time jobs, with or without a child to support, choose to spend their money frivolously rather than ensuring they are living within their means, and when they run into financial trouble and can’t pay their bills, the parents OWE it to their children to rescue them?! Sometimes even expected to “help” many, many times over? Huh?! Parents, listen very carefully: There is a big difference between helping and enabling adult children, and if you don’t figure it out now and put an immediate stop to the enabling, it will never end.

Maybe I’m being a little too tough. Naw, I don’t think so. I’m of the thinking that if my grown, adult children, CHOOSE to spend their money on things they “want” rather than their “needs” (like a place to live, utilities, food, etc.., like the rest of us do) and their electric gets shut off because of non-payment? Ok! So their food goes bad and they have to throw it away. Maybe, just maybe, it’s more of a “help” to allow them to experience the consequences of their own poor choices, in order to learn the valuable lessons needed to be grown, independent ADULTS.

Rescuing them from their choices and subsequent consequences, giving them money as a fix to their immediate self-made problem, allowing them to move back in with their parents, this is called “help”? I think it’s actually enabling our young adult children rather than help, preventing them from the realities of the real world. In the real world, you work long and hard for the things you need and want. That’s the only way to truly appreciate what you have, when you’ve worked your butt off for it all on your own.

A Sense of Entitlement
Children Who Refuse To Grow Up
Helping and Enabling – Is There A Difference?
Are You An Enabler? Identifying Early Warning Signs of Enabling Behaviors
How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us
Support Groups for Parents with Grown Adult Children Living at Home with Parents

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