Telling It Like It IsHow to Fight Fair in Marriage »

A Marriage Without Regrets – Do You Regret Getting Married?

Lin — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 11:00:50 +0000

Do you regret getting married? Have you ever said to yourself “I regret getting married”? Is your marriage a happy marriage or an unhappy marriage? If you could do it all over again, would you still choose to be married to your spouse? Are you planning on getting married? Why? The sheer number of unhappy marriages and staggering divorce rates should give dating and/or engaged couples reason for pause, and serious consideration into building a happy marriage without regrets in order to avoid divorce altogether.

According to a study of 4000 married couples carried out by market research firm OnePoll.com, a quarter of married men and women regret getting married to their spouses, while 15% of engaged couples planning to get married have misgivings about their upcoming nuptials. Is it “cold feet” pre-wedding jitters, or is there something more serious going on? Why do people regret getting married?

The average married couple gives up on romance just two years, six months and 25 days into a marriage, according to the research poll. “We tend to think of marriage as something people do when they are in love but this survey reveals that people tie the knot for all sorts of different reasons,” OnePoll’s John Sewell said. “And many of them aren’t sure they want to get married — even as they are standing at the altar saying their vows, which may worry some brides and grooms-to-be.”

Four percent of the married people surveyed said they had gotten married for the wrong reasons, because they wanted wedding presents and a party, not because they were in love.

23 percent said they would not marry their partner if they could do it all over again, and 14 percent wished they had married someone else from their past.

Only 28 percent confessed to being virgins when they met their future spouse, with some respondents saying they had slept with an average of four people before they met their marriage partner, and five percent admitted to having 20 or more previous sexual partners.

35 percent said the person they married was not the best sexual partner they have ever had and another 33 percent said that being single was more fun than being married.

12 percent of people surveyed said they stay with their partner just because they couldn’t be bothered to find someone new.

Fifteen percent of husbands and wives admitted to lying to each other about their love lives, with most decreasing the number of previous sexual partners while two percent admitted to boosting the number.

83 percent of those surveyed said they couldn’t be bothered to celebrate the date they tied the knot by their third anniversary.

Seven out of ten men admitted they were so comfortable with their spouse they frequently left socks, pants and other dirty washing lying around the house, while 79 percent admitted they no longer bothered to put the toilet seat down.

75 percent of men and women said they wouldn’t relinquish control over the remote control to their other half, even if they asked nicely.

Two thirds of the married women polled said they no longer put forth the effort to dress up and look nice for their spouse. Nearly a third said they stay on the far side of the bed, claiming they don‘t have time for sex with their husbands.

54 percent of women polled no longer bothered wearing make-up; 61 percent admitted that they throw on a ratty T-shirt, comfy tracksuit bottoms or pajamas as soon as they got home from work, and 10 percent of married women said they don’t bother to wear sexy lingerie to spice things up in the bedroom.

83 percent of couples surveyed held hands often while out during the first few months of marriage, compared to just 38 percent after a decade of being married.

Prior to the first wedding anniversary, partners would cuddle and hug more than eight times a day- compared with five or fewer after ten years of marriage. 60 percent said they hadn’t been surprised with a romantic night out since getting hitched.

John Sewell said, “It would appear that many are stuck in a rut, and whilst they still love their other half, they’re a little too comfortable in each others company. Couples need to find a good balance between feeling comfortable and taking each other for granted. The odd romantic meal would probably be all many couples need to spice things up a bit – and small gestures such as tidying up, and helping out with the housework would go a long way.”

Right and Wrong Reasons to Get Married

Marriage regrets often happen because dating and/or engaged couples haven’t considered their reasons for wanting to get married in the first place. Couples don’t think about the pros and cons of marriage, but choose to focus their time, attention and financial resources to the Cinderella wedding fairytale fantasy while planning a wedding that lasts just one day.

There are good reasons to get married and bad reasons to get married, but brides-to-be and grooms-to-be often pay too much attention to planning the fairytale fluff of the wedding day ceremony and reception, rather than planning and preparing for marriage and the difficulties that go with being married after the wedding day is over.

Brides-to-be often plan their wedding at The Knot Wedding Shop where decisions are made about the wedding budget, wedding dress, flowers, bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girls, ring bearers, wedding cake, grooms cake, wedding rings, wedding invitations, chapel or wedding venue options, the honeymoon, DJ, photographer and video etc. Your wedding day is just one day out of the rest of your life.

Marriage Without Regrets

If you really want a marriage without regrets that lasts a lifetime, you need to prepare for marriage, starting with asking the hard before marriage questions every couple should ask and answer before getting married in order to have a happy, successful marriage without any regrets.

Resolving conflict in marriage
Understanding each partner’s role
Improving the sexual relationship
Becoming financially wise
Respecting and keeping marriage vows

Getting married for the wrong reasons can quickly lead to an unhappy marriage ending in divorce, because couples did not prepare for marriage properly, were too young to get married or didn’t consider the fact that being married and being happily married are two entirely different things.

See: How to Please a Woman in Bed, Pleasure and Satisfy Her Completely

Similar Posts:

Questions Before Marriage – Questions to Ask Before Getting Married

Lin — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 10:00:52 +0000

Before you say “I do”, and preferably before getting engaged, there are hard questions about marriage that need to be asked that may determine the success or failure of your marriage relationship before it even starts. Asking yourself and your prospective spouse the right questions before marriage will not only help you decide if you’ve truly found “The One”, but will also help you avoid common problems that can lead to divorce.

By taking the time to honestly evaluate your feelings and motivations for getting married, you will be able to determine your degree of readiness for marriage. Honest answers to the hard questions, thereby saving your marriage before it starts, helps determine how well you and your prospective mate will deal with problems and issues that often arise such as finances, sex, communication, conflict, parenting, in-laws, spirituality, expectations and chores.

Premarital counseling should be given serious consideration before getting married, as relationship experts agree that too many couples fail to ask themselves and each other critical pre-marriage questions before marrying. People simply don’t learn enough about each other before they slip on the wedding band and find themselves disillusioned with marriage, so these “getting to know you questions” are important questions to ask your boyfriend or girlfriend, and carefully listening to the answers can save you years of regret and heartache.

Questions to Ask Before Getting Married

Question 1: Am I/we really in love? What do I love about my partner? Be specific! You need to be sure that you both truly love each other rather than confusing infatuation or lust for each other. True love happens slowly, really loving the “whole person” as they are right now, not as you would like them to be after trying to mold him/her into the perfect husband or wife like malleable pieces of clay.

Question 2: Why are we getting married? Why am I asking this person to marry me? Pregnancy, financial security, loneliness, need for sex, wanting children, getting away from mom/dad etc are some of the worst reasons to marry and getting married for the wrong reasons can quickly lead to feelings of disappointment, resentment and divorce.

Question 3: What are my expectations of marriage? Have you fully considered and discussed everything involved with preparing for marriage? Marriage expectations can either make or break a marriage. False expectations, believing in the myths about marriage, thinking that someone else can or will make you happy, trying to read each other’s mind, losing yourself to the other person, wanting to do everything together, and wanting to have a “perfect marriage” will put you on the fast track to unhappiness and disappointment in marriage.

Question 4: Do your boyfriend or girlfriend’s family and friends like you? What do you like and dislike about each others family? How much time will you spend with in-laws? How much involvement do or will family members or parents have in decision making? Does your partner stand up for you in conflict situations with family or friends, or does he/she become passive and quiet while you simmer with anger and frustration?

Dealing with in-laws can be very difficult, with one or more family members creating problems and stress in your marriage due to their own false expectations of time spent together; conflicts and arguments with toxic family members over where holidays and special occasions will be spent; disagreements over how grandchildren should be raised or disciplined; mother-in-law’s being over-involved and critical about how to cook and clean house or sharing her personal opinions on being a good wife or husband without being asked for such advice.

Question 5: Are you a saver or spender when it comes to handling money? What are my/our personal and financial goals? Should we have a joint checking account or separate accounts or both? Who will have the primary responsibility for making sure that bills are paid on time? How much do we owe in debts and what are our assets, if any?

Money problems and financial disagreements is one of the top ten reasons for divorce, making it vitally important that couples communicate how money will be spent or saved in order to avoid needless arguments over money. Both husband and wife need to know everything about bills, loans, debts, savings account balances, credit card purchases and balances etc, rather than either the husband or wife controlling all the money and making all the financial decisions without the knowledge and agreement of their spouse.

Question 6: Are the two of you able to “fight fair?” Are there existing problems in your relationship that need to be dealt with before the wedding? Have you created your “non-negotiable deal-breaker” list and discussed them openly with your prospective spouse? What are the things that you will not accept or tolerate in your marriage relationship? Fights and disagreements do happen in marriages, and how you both deal with these problems in a respectful, non-violent, mutually agreeable manner will greatly determine if your marriage will be a happy and successful one or not.

Question 7: Do you want children? When? How many? Does your partner want children? If so, when and how many? Do you both agree on how to discipline children, discussing a variety of discipline methods you both believe in (time-outs, standing in the corner, taking away privileges, spanking, etc.) and are in complete agreement?

Disciplining children effectively requires that both of you are on the same page and agree on how discipline will be handled. Keep in mind that children learn what they live, and your kids will pick up on the verbal and non-verbal communication within the home and will develop what they perceive to be “normal” relationship interactions and behavior based on how you role model proper behavior within the home.

Question 8: Do you like and enjoy sex? How often do you need or expect sex? Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears? What sexual activities do you enjoy most? Least? Are there specific sexual acts that make you uncomfortable? If so, what? Be specific! Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect, want and need?

Does the mere mention of sex toys or vibrators make you feel squeamish, uncomfortable or make you giggle with embarrassment? Women especially have a difficult time discussing sex, foreplay, preferred sexual positions etc, but discussing sex with your soon-to-be spouse and life partner cannot be overemphasized. Expecting your husband or wife to somehow read your mind and “just know” what you want or need sexually doesn’t work and often leads to disappointment and disillusionment in marriage. SEE: How to Please a Woman in Bed, Pleasure and Satisfy Her Completely for tips.

Question 9: Is religion a big part of your life? What current religious affiliation do you currently have, if any? How important is it that your partner share your religious beliefs or convert to your religion? Does your religion impose any behavior restrictions that would affect you and your partner as a married couple such as dietary, social, sexual, familial etc? If so, be very specific!

Religious beliefs, spirituality and expectations for raising children in homes with different religious beliefs and upbringing can easily become a non-negotiable deal-breaker, so be absolutely sure you both discuss, understand and agree on what each other expects in regards to how religion will or will not affect your marriage and role as parents.

Question 10: How well do you communicate with your partner? Are you better at listening or speaking? How do you and your partner feel about using strong language or cuss words when communicating? How do you express yourself when upset or disappointed? Do you speak up for yourself assertively or become passive and quiet, unwilling to engage at all in discussions or during disagreements? Are you prone to screaming and yelling? Slamming doors? Hitting?

The communication differences between men and women are many, how each listens and speaks to the opposite sex is a telling sign of things to come, and how well you communicate will affect to a large degree the happiness and longevity of your marriage. Improving your communication skills with your partner with loving, respectful, effective communication, without resorting to abusive behaviors such as screaming, yelling, cussing, pushing, shoving, hitting and slamming doors will make or break your relationship and will affect the lives of any children that you may have in a negative or positive way.

Is anyone ever really ready for marriage? Getting engaged and planning to get married should be a fun and exciting time in your life. There are going to be ups and downs in any relationship or marriage, as there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. How you and your partner deal with the good times and the bad times will define you as a couple, and that is why it’s so important to make sure you determine your readiness for marriage and your partner’s readiness before taking such a big step into marriage and saying “I do.”

Similar Posts:

What It Means to “Let Go”

Lin — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 14:00:31 +0000

To “let go” does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can’t do it for someone else.

To “let go” is not to cut myself off,
it’s the realization I can’t control another.

To “let go” is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To “let go” is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another,
it’s to make the most of myself.

To “let go” is not to care for,
but to care about.

To “let go” is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To “let go” is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To “let go” is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To “let go” is not to be protective,
it’s to permit another to face reality.

To “let go” is not to deny,
but to accept.

To “let go” it not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.

To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires
but to take each day as it comes,
and cherish myself in it.

To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To “let go” is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To “let go” is to fear less,
and love more.

(Unknown Author)

Similar Posts:

The Art of a Good Marriage

Lin — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 13:49:43 +0000

Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens.
A good marriage must be created.
In marriage the little things are the big things.
It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say “I love you” at least once a day.
It is never going to sleep angry.
It is at no time taking the other for granted; the courtship should not end with the honeymoon, it should continue through all the years.
It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
It is standing together facing the world.
It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.
It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy.
It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is not looking for perfection in each other.
It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.
It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.
(Author: Wilferd Arlan Peterson)

Related Posts:

How to Fight Fair in Marriage

How to Get Along With the In-Laws

Keeping the Fire Alive in Your Marriage

How to Spice Up Your Marriage

What Does it Mean to “Leave and Cleave”?

Similar Posts:

How to Fight Fair in Marriage

Lin — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 20:27:34 +0000

What kind of fighter are you? Do you bring up past hurts and grievances and hurl them at your partner, or do you simply walk away from fights, refusing to engage at all? Are you a right-fighter, always having to “win” arguments with your spouse? Do arguments typically escalate into full blown, knock-down drag-out wars, or one where you end up giving in just to keep the peace? Do you know what you’re fighting about, or do arguments over money tend to drift into fighting about the in-laws too?

Common reasons why couples fight include money, in-laws, sex, children, housework, jobs and friends. Conflict and arguments are inevitable in all marriages, but how you fight and how you end an argument can determine the long-term success or failure of your marriage. If done correctly, dealing with conflicts in your marriage by understanding how to fight fair in marriage can actually help and strengthen your relationship.

The differences between men and women in personalities, and the differences in upbringing, is reason enough for conflicts and arguments to occur in marriage. Conflicts signal that something is wrong in the relationship and it needs to be addressed, adjusted or corrected, in a way that both the husband and wife leave the argument feeling heard, understood, accepted and respected.

A primary requirement for any fight is to maintain control. Having an argument with your spouse does not give you license to be childish, abusive or immature. Disagreements are going to occur, and you are entitled to give constructive and reasonable voice to legitimate feelings and concerns, but you don’t have the right to be self-righteous, vindictive, controlling or selfish in how you fight.

How to Fight Fair:

Take it private and keep it private. Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. Not keeping in control of your emotions will scar your children emotionally, and does not provide them the proper role model of how to fight fair as they mature. Resist the urge to discuss relationship problems with friends, family or in-laws, as this will be seen as a betrayal of trust and makes getting along with in-laws more difficult.

Venting your spouse’s negative behaviors to parents, family members or friends is not only immature, but it creates a building resentment toward your spouse since friends and family are not around when you’ve made up and resolved the issue, and it doesn’t make you look very good either.

Keep it relevant. Don’t bring up past hurts and grievances that happened months or even years ago. Put boundaries around the subject to be discussed so that the fight doesn’t deteriorate into a free-for-all. If you are angry about something, say so in an assertive and respectful manner using “I” statements to convey your feelings.

If the argument becomes heated, or if your spouse is unwilling to discuss the problem at that moment, schedule an agreed upon time within 24-hours to have your fair fight. Pick your battles; if you are angry about something but haven’t discussed it with your spouse within 48-hours, let it go and move on.

No name-calling. Fighting fair leaves no room for character assassination, using endearing terms and pet names with a sarcastic and demeaning tone only adds fuel to the fire and is very hurtful to your spouse. Don’t use words like “always” and “never” during arguments, as these sweeping statements to condemn your husband or wife will only aggravate the disagreement into a full-blown explosion.

Don’t threaten your spouse or condescend with statements like, “Just try it and see what happens!” or “You shouldn’t feel that way”, as using such deadly weapons in your marriage is a sure sign of immaturity and leaves your mate feeling ridiculed and insecure. Treat the problem as “our problem” rather than his or her problem, so that neither is left feeling attacked or blamed for every fight that occurs in the marriage.

Listen and learn. Discuss various options and ideas that both have contributed to the discussion, choosing and trying one or more ideas that both can accept. Don’t be a dirty fighter by sitting in wait for the idea your spouse recommended to fail, just so you can say “See, I told you so”.

Evaluate and adjust the options as needed by asking, “How are we doing in our effort to save money for vacation? How close are we to being able to buy the new car? Do you have any new ideas of how we can…?” Just as you want your spouse to see things from your point of view, be willing to see things from his or her perspective as well, thereby developing greater teamwork and accountability together.

Fighting about money. One way to avoid financial arguments is to agree on one joint household account for dealing with monthly bills, vacations and family-related expenditures. Both should also have separate bank and credit accounts, as women commonly have a love-hate relationship with money, but need to know how to achieve long-term financial security should the unthinkable occur and her husband dies or there is a divorce.

If one of you is better at paying the bills and saving money, then agree on that partner assuming the primary role. Regardless of who manages the bills, both husband and wife need to know and regularly discuss bank accounts and balances, bills and debts, investments and retirement plans, etc. (A friend of mine unexpectedly lost her husband last year, never knowing anything about their financial situation or having credit in her own name, and she is now dealing with the aftermath of enormous debt).

Make it a win-win fight. Even if you think you are right and your spouse is wrong, allow your partner to retreat from the fight with their dignity intact. How an argument ends is crucial to the health and longevity of the marriage, perhaps coming in the form of a sincere apology and hug. Give your spouse the reassurance that despite the fact that you will disagree from time to time, you are in this marriage for the long haul and you love him or her, and that you will not give up and leave the marriage before you’ve really tried to make it work.

What further ways would you recommend and suggest on how to fight fair in marriage?

Similar Posts: