Ever since I published the 30 Day Sex Challenge, I’ve heard from quite a few women who say they don’t want to have sex with their husbands, while offering a large number of reasons why they don’t want to have sex. I’ve also heard from a number of men who want more sex with their wife but can’t seem to figure out why the sex isn’t happening as frequently as these guys would like. “Is having sex once every 3-9 months normal?”, one husband asked.

“I don’t want to have sex” and “she doesn’t want to have sex” were the common subject titles from women and men who are reporting sexual dysfunction and low libido in their marriages. Most, if not all, were asking “is it normal” to not want to have sex very often (or at all), and what possible reasons there might be for their wives to not be interested in having sex. They also wanted to know how often married couples are “supposed to have sex” to keep the fire alive in their marriage, and some wives reported their husbands “weren’t doing it right”. Ouch.

It came as somewhat of a surprise to me that some women said their husbands don’t know how to please a woman in bed and can’t bring her to orgasm, but these same women admit to never (ever) telling or showing their husbands what they want or need in bed to be completely satisfied sexually. Really? Come on, ladies, it works both ways. Men aren’t mind readers and most men DO want to please their wives in bed, but if you have never talked with your husband about your personal desires or sexual needs, communication in your marriage is a problem to work on. Today.

The common sexual frequency questions, “What is normal?”, “How many times do married couples have sex?”, and “How much sex is enough sex?” was answered by the Kinsey Institute. On average, 18-29 year-olds have sex 112 times per year, 30-39 year-olds have sex 86 times per year, and 40-49 year-olds have sex 69 times per year. 13% of married couples are said to have sex just a few times per year; 45% a few times per month; 34% 2-3 times a week, and 7% 4 or more times per week. Do the math. How does your sex life match up with the statistics?

In my article about ways to spice up your marriage, the importance of sex in marriage and making sex fun and exciting (vs. boring and dull) for married couples cannot be overemphasized. While sex may not be the most important part of marriage, sex becomes a huge problem in marriage if husbands or wives want sex but aren’t “getting any”. Sadly, several of the men who contacted me did so after reading my article about regretting getting married because of virtually no sex and are seriously considering divorce as their only option. Not only do these husbands say they regret getting married in the first place, these men swear they don’t want to get married ever again because of the sex problems they’ve experienced.

The fastest way to increase libido and start having more sex is to…have more sex! That alone is the reason for men AND women to at least explore the idea of the “sex every day sex challenge” for thirty days! If the men and women I have heard from is any indication of the heartbreaking reality of having a mostly sexless marriage that can easily become a deal breaker, both husbands and wives need to not only understand the reasons why some women don’t want to have sex but also work together to find ways to increase sexual desire, libido and satisfaction. Before it’s too late.

Reasons Why Women Don’t Want Sex

According to a study by University of Chicago Medical Center (published in the New England Journal of Medicine), researcher Dr. Edward Laumann concluded that some 43 percent of women suffer with sexual dysfunction, compared to 31 percent of men. Interviews were held with 1,550 sexually active women where 43 percent reported low libido, 39 percent said they had vaginal dryness problems, and 34 percent said they were unable to reach orgasm. Expert researchers have also found that while sexual activity declines somewhat with age, many women (and men) are enjoying sex well into their 60s, 70s, and 80s.

Some of the well known reasons for low libido or lack of interest in sex are: Diabetes, thyroid disease, anemia, childbirth, hormones, lack of sensation due to decreased muscle tone “down there”, painful intercourse, menopause, hysterectomy, and any medical problems that affect the sex hormones estrogen or testosterone can all result in a decreased sex drive. Other causes may be aging, unhealthy diets, excess weight or obesity, stressful lifestyles, depression, anxiety and other emotional problems, or a combination of physical or psychological factors.

“Female sexual dysfunction is characterized by a lack of desire, arousal and orgasm. Lack of desire is the chief complaint among women, affecting about one-third of them at some point in their lives”, says Cindy Meston, assistant professor of clinical psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. Recent studies have focused on various aspects of female sexuality, including hormone levels, libido, how pregnancy and menopause affect a woman’s sexuality and interest in sex, and body image.

There are hundreds of possible reasons why women may not want sex, but WebMD.com listed what it says are the top ten reasons why women don’t want to have sex, which include both physical and psychological reasons:

1. Use of Oral Contraceptives
2. Use of Anti-Depressants
3. Breastfeeding
4. Lack of sleep
5. Stress
6. Disagreements with one’s mate.
7. Low levels of testosterone
8. High levels of HSBG (sex hormone binding globulin)
9. Fear of intimacy
10. Body image

A woman’s lack of sexual interest is often tied to her relationship with her partner, says Sandra Lieblum, director for sexual and marital health at the UMDNJ Robert Wood Johnson Medical School in Piscataway, N.J. “The important sex organ (for women) is between the ears. Men need a place for having sex — women need a purpose,” she says. Lack of interest in sex can also be triggered by family problems, illness or death, financial or job worries, in-law problems, childcare responsibilities, managing a career and children, previous or current physical and/or emotional abuse, past history of sexual abuse, fatigue and depression.

“Loss of libido in women, or low sexual desire, is the most common sexual problem for women and the main reason they seek sex therapy,” says Patricia Koch, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Biobehavioral Health & Women’s Studies at Pennsylvania State University and Adjunct Professor of Human Sexuality at Widener University. “It affects anywhere from 33% to 67% of women, depending on how sexual desire is defined and reported,” according to Koch, whose research specializes in loss of libido in women.

“Don’t call loss of libido a disorder,” Laumann says. “How can it be a dysfunction if one-third of women, no matter what their age, report that they lose interest? “This is normal” he says, and a growing number of researchers agree. “Low sexual desire is not a disease, it is the understandable result of an imbalance in your life…in your relationship, your life circumstances or your body,” writes Kathryn Hall, Ph.D. in Reclaiming Your Sexual Self: How You Can Bring Desire Back Into Your Life.

Libido Enhancers, Natural Aphrodisiacs, Female Enhancement Creams

If decreased sexual arousal or lack of sex in your marriage is distressing you, rule out any possible health related problems with your doctor or OB/GYN. Have your hormone levels checked by having your doctor run blood tests, especially if you are menopausal or have had a hysterectomy. Ask your doctor about a trial of testosterone cream – some women like it, while others don’t.

There are many libido enhancer products for women on the market, with many receiving raving reviews by sexually satisfied women (and their husbands), wink wink. That makes for a win-win for any marriage experiencing sex problems or lack of libido, regardless of the cause. Try Laura Corn’s book 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex for some sexy, seductive tips.

Get your Mojo back and have some fun with sexy lingerie your man will LOVE (regardless of your body size or weight), sex toys and sexy marriage games to add some new life and spice to your marriage. Try out natural aphrodisiacs for women that come in tablets, capsules, gels, creams and lubricants that work wonders to boost a woman’s sex drive and pleasure. Zestra is one of many sexual arousal aids getting rave reviews, and it’s even been discussed on talk shows like Tyra Banks and the Rachel Ray Show, amongst others.

Show your husband where your personal “pleasure map” is for your body, and teach your man how to “do it right” for you and teach him (if necessary) the desired techniques to pleasure you and satisfy you completely. Guys, be open to suggestions from your wife and don’t let your ego get in the way of having a satisfying sex life with your spouse if she tells you in some way that you’re not doing it right. Listen….and listen good. Ladies, speak up and tell your man what you want in bed! Better yet, show him… and you’ll both have a great time discovering each other all over again.

Similar Posts:

• A Marriage Without Regrets – Do You Regret Getting Married?
• Sex Every Day for Married Couples – 30 Day Sex Challenge
• Do Men Want To Get Married? Top Ten Reasons Why Men Don’t Want To Get Married
• Ladies: Why You Need to Know How to Hide Money From Your Husband
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This is a guest post by Lissa at Owning Pink, a website and a series of women’s workshops committed to empowering women to reclaim their health, their girlytude, and their mojo.

When Lin asked me to write about how to make love to a woman, I felt myself blush. After all, I’m a gynecologist, not a sexpert. Wouldn’t she be better served by asking some Casanova or, better yet, a lesbian? As the founder of Owning Pink: A Gutsy Guide to Getting Your Mojo Back (www.owningpink.com), I’m all about helping women embrace joy and get in touch with their authentic selves. But, how to please a woman in bed? Hmmm. My husband and I were just in the bedroom last night, working on making our own sex life a bit more exciting, so I can honestly say I’m no sexual rock star.

However, after thinking about it for a while I realized, to my surprise, that after ten years of working with women and teaching women’s workshops, I guess I have learned a thing or two on the topic. So if you’re aiming to satisfy a woman in the sack, we girls beg you, pay attention.

20 Tips For Making a Woman Quiver

1. Every woman is different. If your super-duper signature technique had your last girlfriend hanging from the chandeliers and bellowing out to Mother Mary, good for you. But don’t expect the same thing to work on your new lover. Our bodies- and needs- vary drastically. One size does not fit all.

2. A woman’s body is like an old beater car in subzero weather. It takes a while to warm her up. Don’t expect a warm welcome if you go from zero to sixty straight to her coochie. Foreplay will take you far. Our bodies sometimes need a little coaxing. So often we live completely in our heads. Our minds are spinning with thoughts about work, the kids, and tomorrow’s to-do list. If you help bring us into our bodies by arousing different erogenous zones, like the ears, the lips, the breasts, the inner thigh, the belly button, even the toes, you help remind us that our bodies can offer pleasure if we only inhabit them.

3. Love her and earn her trust. For most women, sex and love get all tangled. Not to say there aren’t some Samantha’s out there who love to just get it on. But for most of us, we see sex as an expression of love, and if we don’t feel nurtured by you, we may not get all hot and bothered when you want to shake the sheets. Love her well and earn her trust. Pleasure will likely follow.

4. Set the mood in the bedroom. Surprise her with candles, mood music, and a flower on her pillow. Whisper sweet nothings. Don’t serve up silly platitudes, but say what you feel. When we cover our bellies with our hands and try to turn off the light, tell us we’re beautiful, just the way we are. Share how much you care. Romance gets her in the mood and helps her relax.

5. Know a woman’s anatomy. Need help? Take the Pretty Pink Pussy Tour (http://www.owningpink.com/2009/05/05/the-pretty-pink-pussy-tour-your-vulva-vagina-and-you/)

6. Think sensually, not sexually. Immerse yourself in the sensory experience of her and find your own timing together.

7. Give your partner permission to offer feedback, and don’t take it personally. If your partner doesn’t respond to something you’re doing, it doesn’t reflect on your skill as a lover. It just doesn’t work for her unique anatomy and physiology. If you act dejected every time she offers you feedback, she’s likely to stop trying to help you please her. Accept constructive criticism lovingly.

8. Fine tune your radar. Even if you invite your partner to offer feedback, she may not feel comfortable talking about sex. Many of us have been so conditioned to consider sex taboo that we clam up when the subject arises. Learn to read your partner’s subtle signals, and over time, you will discover what pleases her. Little grunts and moans usually signal YES, and while silence may simply signal shyness, it may also mean that what you’re doing isn’t working for her. Pay attention to body language too. When she moves towards you, it’s a good sign, and if she adjusts her body to a different angle, she might be trying to show you where she wants you to be.

9. Be gentle and go slow. There’s no race to the finish line here. Remember how sensitive girl parts are. Don’t mash on us (unless we ask you too! We are, after all women. We might change our minds). Start slow, then gently pick up the pace as you go. Don’t start bangin’ us around like you’re trying to get to home base before we’ve even gotten up to bat. You may get sprung in 10 seconds flat, but chances are, we’re still thinking about how little Johnny’s teacher thinks he needs a reading tutor, or whether we’re prepared for that big presentation at work tomorrow. Be patient with us and our monkey minds.

10. Do not take it personally if your lover doesn’t orgasm during intercourse. Some lucky women get off from the mere thought of intercourse, but the majority of women do not experience orgasm through intercourse alone. If you expend so much energy trying to make her cum while you’re having intercourse, you may miss the rich opportunity to satisfy her in other ways. Sure, try your darnedest to please your woman. But don’t pressure her. Many women will not orgasm during intercourse, even with the most skilled partner.

11. There may or may not be a G-Spot. While some women swear by the G-Spot and experience vaginal orgasms, most women can only orgasm during intercourse if they’ve figured out a way to directly stimulate the clitoris. For more about stimulating the G-spot, check out The G-Spot: Fact or Fiction (http://www.owningpink.com/2009/07/30/owning-sexuality-the-g-spot-fact-or-fiction/).

12. Pull out the Kama Sutra. No need to focus all your energy on making her orgasm during intercourse, but why not try? Check out some books about sexual positions and have fun experimenting, like 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex: Secret Sealed Seductions for Fun-Loving Couples by Laura Corn. You never know what might hit the spot for your lover. Be creative.

13. NEVER EVER compare her to another woman. I don’t care what the hell Jane or Sally or Maryanne liked in bed, and neither does your lover. If you think about other women when you’re making love to yours, please- for the love of God- keep your thoughts to yourself.

14. Most women love oral sex. To a woman, it just doesn’t get much better than this. Soft, wet tongue meets delicate pink pearl? Can you hear us purr? We love it even more if we think you do too. Start gently. Explore the inner thighs, the labia, the opening to the vagina. When her body language indicates that she’s ready, lick, suck, and swirl her clitoris in circles, mixed with up and down motions. Use your hands to explore the rest of her.

15. Help your partner out. If you lover prefers to orgasm during intercourse, stimulate her first with oral sex to help sensitize her delicate organs. Encourage her to explore positions that stimulate her clitoris, such as the woman-on-top position. Use your hands to touch her while you’re having intercourse, or invite her to touch herself. She knows best what feels good, and if you tell her how much it turns you on to see her touch herself, she may feel more comfortable augmenting her own pleasure.

16. Just because you’re done, doesn’t mean she is. If your orgasm is over, don’t assume hers is too. Maybe she was holding out so she could orgasm during intercourse, but if you cum before she does, no stress. Just finish the job and help her feel as good as you do.

17. Invite her favorite sex toy into the bedroom. Did you see what happened to Charlotte from Sex and the City when she discovered The Rabbit? Don’t make her go undercover with her vibrator. The sex toys are your friends, not your competition. Let them stimulate both of you, and encourage her to explore.

18. Get Tantric or explore Taoist sexuality. Want to elevate your lovemaking to a spiritual plane? Check out Tantric or Taoist sexuality. (http://www.ofspirit.com/rachelcarltonabrams1.htm)

19. Remember that sex is meant to be about making love. Don’t get so focused on technique that you forget to connect. Look deep into her eyes. Caress her lovingly. Tell her how you feel. Hug her. Love her.

20. Cuddle when it’s over. Please don’t jump up and go watch the game. We make ourselves vulnerable, put ourselves out there, and want to know you’re still with us when it’s over. Snuggle in and stick around a while.

Read A Pink Guide to Orgasm for more about women and orgasms.

Ladies, have I missed anything? Now is your chance to tell the guys if they’re “doing it right” (or not) by adding your tips on improving sex in the bedroom in the comment section below.

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