Telling It Like It Is

Are you stuck in a rut in your relationship with your husband or wife? Are you ready to get out of the rut you’re in and put some fire back into your marriage? Is your marriage lacking emotional intimacy, where you feel like your marriage to your spouse has become routine and boring? Are you in a sex starved marriage? Do you ever ask yourself “how do I get out of a rut in my relationship with my partner or spouse?”

If you’ve been feeling sad or depressed that your marriage seems to have become a boring, monotonous routine lifestyle that never changes, it probably means you are stuck in a rut. A relationship rut. It’s time you get out of the rut you’re in, spice things up a bit and reestablish intimacy, friendship, fun and sex in your marriage.
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Ever since I published the 30 Day Sex Challenge, I’ve heard from quite a few women who say they don’t want to have sex with their husbands, while offering a large number of reasons why they don’t want to have sex. I’ve also heard from a number of men who want more sex with their wife but can’t seem to figure out why the sex isn’t happening as frequently as these guys would like. “Is having sex once every 3-9 months normal?”, one husband asked.

“I don’t want to have sex” and “she doesn’t want to have sex” were the common subject titles from women and men who are reporting sexual dysfunction and low libido in their marriages. Most, if not all, were asking “is it normal” to not want to have sex very often (or at all), and what possible reasons there might be for their wives to not be interested in having sex. They also wanted to know how often married couples are “supposed to have sex” to keep the fire alive in their marriage, and some wives reported their husbands “weren’t doing it right”. Ouch.

It came as somewhat of a surprise to me that some women said their husbands don’t know how to please a woman in bed and can’t bring her to orgasm, but these same women admit to never (ever) telling or showing their husbands what they want or need in bed to be completely satisfied sexually. Really? Come on, ladies, it works both ways. Men aren’t mind readers and most men DO want to please their wives in bed, but if you have never talked with your husband about your personal desires or sexual needs, communication in your marriage is a problem to work on. Today.
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Do you regret getting married? Have you ever said to yourself “I regret getting married”? Is your marriage a happy marriage or an unhappy marriage? If you could do it all over again, would you still choose to be married to your spouse? Are you planning on getting married? Why? The sheer number of unhappy marriages and staggering divorce rates should give dating and/or engaged couples reason for pause, and serious consideration into building a happy marriage without regrets in order to avoid divorce altogether.

According to a study of 4000 married couples carried out by market research firm OnePoll.com, a quarter of married men and women regret getting married to their spouses, while 15% of engaged couples planning to get married have misgivings about their upcoming nuptials. Is it “cold feet” pre-wedding jitters, or is there something more serious going on? Why do people regret getting married?

The average married couple gives up on romance just two years, six months and 25 days into a marriage, according to the research poll. “We tend to think of marriage as something people do when they are in love but this survey reveals that people tie the knot for all sorts of different reasons,” OnePoll’s John Sewell said. “And many of them aren’t sure they want to get married — even as they are standing at the altar saying their vows, which may worry some brides and grooms-to-be.”

• Four percent of the married people surveyed said they had gotten married for the wrong reasons, because they wanted wedding presents and a party, not because they were in love.

• 23 percent said they would not marry their partner if they could do it all over again, and 14 percent wished they had married someone else from their past.

• Only 28 percent confessed to being virgins when they met their future spouse, with some respondents saying they had slept with an average of four people before they met their marriage partner, and five percent admitted to having 20 or more previous sexual partners.

• 35 percent said the person they married was not the best sexual partner they have ever had and another 33 percent said that being single was more fun than being married.

• 12 percent of people surveyed said they stay with their partner just because they couldn’t be bothered to find someone new.

• Fifteen percent of husbands and wives admitted to lying to each other about their love lives, with most decreasing the number of previous sexual partners while two percent admitted to boosting the number.

• 83 percent of those surveyed said they couldn’t be bothered to celebrate the date they tied the knot by their third anniversary.

• Seven out of ten men admitted they were so comfortable with their spouse they frequently left socks, pants and other dirty washing lying around the house, while 79 percent admitted they no longer bothered to put the toilet seat down.

• 75 percent of men and women said they wouldn’t relinquish control over the remote control to their other half, even if they asked nicely.

• Two thirds of the married women polled said they no longer put forth the effort to dress up and look nice for their spouse. Nearly a third said they stay on the far side of the bed, claiming they don‘t have time for sex with their husbands.

• 54 percent of women polled no longer bothered wearing make-up; 61 percent admitted that they throw on a ratty T-shirt, comfy tracksuit bottoms or pajamas as soon as they got home from work, and 10 percent of married women said they don’t bother to wear sexy lingerie to spice things up in the bedroom.

• 83 percent of couples surveyed held hands often while out during the first few months of marriage, compared to just 38 percent after a decade of being married.

• Prior to the first wedding anniversary, partners would cuddle and hug more than eight times a day- compared with five or fewer after ten years of marriage. 60 percent said they hadn’t been surprised with a romantic night out since getting hitched.

John Sewell said, “It would appear that many are stuck in a rut, and whilst they still love their other half, they’re a little too comfortable in each others company. Couples need to find a good balance between feeling comfortable and taking each other for granted. The odd romantic meal would probably be all many couples need to spice things up a bit – and small gestures such as tidying up, and helping out with the housework would go a long way.”

Right and Wrong Reasons to Get Married

Marriage regrets often happen because dating and/or engaged couples haven’t considered their reasons for wanting to get married in the first place. Couples don’t think about the pros and cons of marriage, but choose to focus their time, attention and financial resources to the Cinderella wedding fairytale fantasy while planning a wedding that lasts just one day.

There are good reasons to get married and bad reasons to get married, but brides-to-be and grooms-to-be often pay too much attention to planning the fairytale fluff of the wedding day ceremony and reception, rather than planning and preparing for marriage and the difficulties that go with being married after the wedding day is over.

Brides-to-be often plan their wedding at The Knot Wedding Shop where decisions are made about the wedding budget, wedding dress, flowers, bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girls, ring bearers, wedding cake, grooms cake, wedding rings, wedding invitations, chapel or wedding venue options, the honeymoon, DJ, photographer and video etc. Your wedding day is just one day out of the rest of your life.

Marriage Without Regrets

If you really want a marriage without regrets that lasts a lifetime, you need to prepare for marriage, starting with asking the hard before marriage questions every couple should ask and answer before getting married in order to have a happy, successful marriage without any regrets.

1. Resolving conflict in marriage
2. Understanding each partner’s role
3. Improving the sexual relationship
4. Becoming financially wise
5. Respecting and keeping marriage vows

Getting married for the wrong reasons can quickly lead to an unhappy marriage ending in divorce, because couples did not prepare for marriage properly, were too young to get married or didn’t consider the fact that being married and being happily married are two entirely different things.

See: How to Please a Woman in Bed, Pleasure and Satisfy Her Completely

As you’re reading this, we are now on a much needed Staycation. The hubby and I are getting some R&R and enjoying some wonderful sights and scenery in our local area. I’ll periodically be checking emails, moderate and respond to comments left, but it may take a little longer than usual to do so.

If you’re new here, grab your favorite beverage and enjoy some of my favorite articles on this site. If you haven’t yet, you may want to subscribe to Telling It Like It Is by email or RSS feed, whichever you prefer. I’ll be back to regularly scheduled postings next week.

Summer Activities for Kids – Fun Summer Things for Kids to Do

How to Be a Good Mother-in-Law

How to Fight Fair in Marriage

How to Spice Up Your Marriage

Keeping the Fire Alive in Your Marriage

How to Get Along With the In-Laws

Staying Connected to Your Teenager

So Sexy, So Soon: The Sexualization of Childhood in Commercial Culture

You Are What You Wear – What Your Clothes Say About You

How to Stop Enabling – When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us

Child Sexual Abuse – Facts VS. Myths

Understanding Assertiveness – Getting the Respect You Deserve

I want to wish all you wonderful mom’s who read or visit my blog a wonderful, gloriously peaceful, relaxing Mother’s Day! I’ll be catching up on reading a book, spending time with my family, and anything else I feel like doing.

If you are new here, feel free to browse the categories that interest you on the left sidebar, leave a comment on posts you enjoy, or simply introduce yourself by leaving a comment below. I’ll be checking messages periodically throughout the day, and will reply to comments and messages received. Enjoy!

13 Things Mom Taught Me:

1. To appreciate a job well done: “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2. Religion: “You better pray that comes out of the carpet.”
3. Travel: “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. Logic: “Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. More logic: “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6. Osmosis: “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
7. Contortionism: “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
8. Hypocrisy: “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
9. Circle of Life: “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
10. Behavior modification: “Stop acting like your father!”
11. Medical Science: “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
12. Wisdom: “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
13. Justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”

Here are a few articles to get you started:

• How to Spice Up Your Marriage
• Keeping the Fire Alive in Your Marriage
• Understanding Assertiveness
  
• A Child’s Ten Commandments For Parents
• Picky Eaters: Getting Kids to Eat Healthy

Happy Mother’s Day!!!

Whether it be married couples, or those in a long-term relationship with a significant other, it should be understood that happy and healthy relationships take a lot of work. The effort involved with deepening the connection between the couple can be enjoyed by both husband and wife (or significant other), thus developing a close intimate bond unlike any other kind of relationship. (Photo by Sean McGrath)

Based on the reaction of visitors and readers of this blog, married couples are looking for ways to improve their marriage and spice things up in the romance department at home. I’ve heard from a number of people that have read and enjoyed my article, Keeping the Fire Alive in Your Marriage, and are asking for more tips on adding spark and romance to their marital relationship.

If you are truly committed to making your marriage strong and healthy, with a bit of creativity and effort on the part of both husband and wife, romance can become second nature to you. Begin each day with the question, “What can I do today to show my husband/wife how much I love him/her?”

Grooming
It seems rather silly to me to have to point out what should be very obvious, but you would be surprised how many people have mentioned basic grooming habits being a problem in their relationship. Brush or comb your hair, brush your teeth, take a bath or shower every day, put on some makeup, get rid of those old nasty sweats and put on an outfit that shows that you care about your appearance. You know that old, worn out “favorite” shirt you’ve been hanging onto for years? Get rid of it! There isn’t much that can diminish the romantic feelings between husband and wife than to see your spouse looking frumpy and disheveled.

Ladies, put your hair up in a nice clip instead of a “scrunchy”, or take the time to curl your hair and make yourself look nice for your husband. Get rid of the granny panties and wear some underwear that is attractive and sexy for your man. Men, your wife is not likely to find you very appealing in those old, tattered sweats that you claim are so “comfortable”. Taking care of yourself and your body, losing those extra twenty pounds (or more) around your mid-section, will not only improve your health but will also increase your energy and sexual appeal.

Physical Touch
Begin each day by physically touching your spouse with hugs and kisses. Hold hands while sharing a cup of coffee or tea together; place your hand on your spouse’ leg while sitting together watching the morning news; gently caress your spouse’ face and say “You’re so beautiful, I love you”. Physical touch is very important in creating romantic atmosphere in the home, so when you arrive home from work be sure to hug and kiss your spouse, and continue physically touching each other throughout the evening.

A common problem in many marriages is where there is virtually no physical touch throughout the day and evening, but as soon as the kids are put to bed and the couple retires to the bedroom, there is an expectation that hot, sizzling sex is going to miraculously heat up the bedroom. Not! See: How to Please a Woman in Bed, Pleasure and Satisfy Her Completely for sex tips.

Frequently offer foot massages, shoulder massages and full-body massages to your spouse. Purchase scented oils or lotions to make the massages not only soothing and relaxing, but to also turn up the sexual heat in the bedroom. Throw out the flannel gowns and wear a sexy, silky negligee that will make your husband want to touch you. Guys, those old boxers with the little holes in the seat aren’t working, so trade them in for something a bit more sexy for your wife to want to touch you. (Photo by zaphodsotherhead)

Listen
Pay close attention to subtle hints and comments about something your husband or wife wants to buy for themselves, and purchase it for them as a surprise. It doesn’t have to be anything expensive, but if your wife sees a purse she likes or a set of earrings she wants, make note of it and stop by the store and pick it up for her. If your husband mentions wanting a new tool for his toolbox, or mentions wanting a new gadget of some kind, take the time to go buy it for him as a “just because” gift. Pay close attention to clues for birthday, holiday or anniversary gift ideas, making a point to write them down so you won’t forget and end up struggling to find a gift your spouse really wants.

Has your partner mentioned a concert or sporting event they have interest in attending? Buy some tickets and go as a couple. Does your spouse enjoy craft shows, museums, art festivals or amusement parks? What are you waiting for?, buy some tickets and go! Do you often hear your partner singing or whistling a tune on the radio that they like? Find out who the artist is and buy the CD that includes the song.

Communication
Make time during the day to call or text message your husband or wife to let them know you are thinking about them. Don’t use that time to complain about the kids, or the in-laws, or bills piling up. Text message your husband or wife with a little naughty message in the middle of the day, with a teaser of what you have planned for the two of you once the kids are asleep in bed. Brag to your friends, family and co-workers about how lucky you are to have found such a wonderful, loving and supportive husband or wife. Talking in front of your spouse about your partner’s good qualities is romantic; notice the way your partner’s face lights up when you speak well of them to others.

Couples often complain that they don’t have much time to really communicate with each other, not with taking care of the kids, holding down one or more jobs, doing household chores and paying bills. If your children don’t have a normal bedtime routine, make one. Putting the kids to bed at a reasonable hour gives parents time to unwind from their day at work or other family responsibilities, allowing couples the needed time to focus attention on each other and the marriage.

Romantic Atmosphere
Make the home atmosphere as peaceful and romantic as possible. Turn off the TV. Make the dinnertime meal with the family a peaceful and calm one, rather than using that time to complain and gripe about how the kids upset you, or how the “honey-do list” is still untouched. Keep a ready supply of scented candles to make the home smell nice, turn on some soft romantic music and dim the lights.

Keep the home clean, toys picked up and put away, so your husband/wife doesn’t come home and wonder what you’ve been doing all day. You may have spent the entire day scrubbing floors and toilets, but none of that is likely to be noticed if your spouse is tripping over a trail of toys the moment he/she walks in the door.

Sex, Sex, Sex Baby!

Make sex and romance fun in your marriage. Buy some naughty adult sex games to play when the kids are asleep. There are many intimate games for couples available to spice up your sex life, regardless of whether you are married or not. Christian couples want and need sex in their marriage too, and by the way…, Adam and Eve had SEX, and SEX for married couples is talked about in the Bible too!

Create your own private collection of sex toys and change up the routine of when or where you have sex, because your sexual health and wellness depends on finding creative ways to spice up your marriage and your sex life! Have a playful pillow fight, chase each other around the bedroom (if there’s enough room), turn the game of Scrabble into a striptease game. Take a romantic bubble bath together, with wine and chocolate-covered strawberries, and feed them to each other seductively. (Photo by is.summer.breeze)

What are some fun and romantic ideas that you and your significant other have enjoyed in your relationship or marriage? What are some things you feel you need improvement on in regards to spicing up your marriage? Share your stories or tips by leaving a comment below.

Sex Every Day for Married Couples – 30 Day Sex Challenge
Keeping the Fire Alive in Your Marriage