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How to Manipulate Parents and Get Parents to Do What You Want

Lin — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 03:21:28 +0000

Learning how to manipulate parents, and doing whatever is deemed necessary to get parents to do what kids, teens and adult children want, sometimes turns into a virtual war between kids and parents. Manipulating parents, often referred to as emotional extortion, means that there are kids of all ages who will do just about anything to get parents to say yes to something, even when saying yes puts parents in a precarious position.

Do children manipulate parents? Oh yes they do, and adult children are just as good at stooping to whatever level they see fit to get their parents to do what the kid wants, and it doesn’t matter what it is children are trying to convince parents to do. The reality of how parents are sometimes manipulated when planning a wedding became a shocking and disturbing reality for a mom I’ve heard from before, based on the email I received this morning.

Regular readers are likely familiar with the article I wrote about who pays for what when it comes time to determine how a wedding budget will be decided and how the wedding, reception and honeymoon will be paid for and by whom. Late last year, shortly before Christmas of 2008, I exchanged a few emails with a mom who was struggling with the decision of who would pay for her daughter’s wedding.

This poor mom, who is disabled and barely able to get by on her meager income, was dealing with her own Bridezilla. Her daughter, who I referred to in the “who pays for what” article as “darling daughter”, has champagne taste on a beer budget. This young, 20-year-old girl pulled every manipulative tactic on her mom and dad that she could muster, in order to have the wedding of her dreams.

Bridezilla wanted what she wanted and she was determined she would get her Cinderella dream wedding, regardless of what the total cost of her wedding finally came to, and who would end up paying for it. Her want list for her wedding was extravagant to say the least, especially when it was to be paid for by parents who don’t have the means to pay for such an expensive wedding. She wanted it all – everything you can imagine that would go into having an expensive wedding, fit for someone on a champagne budget.

She wanted a horse-drawn carriage ride to the wedding venue and limo services to the reception for all eight of her attendants, plus the matching number of groomsmen, flower girl and ring bearer. Add to that the designer wedding gown she “had” to have, an expensive wedding cake and grooms cake, all the fancy wedding decorations and everything else this young lady believed she needed to fulfill her dream wedding.

Throughout our email exchanges, I provided this mom with numerous links to informative articles on ways to reduce the cost of a wedding to an amount that was manageable for her, her ex-husband and the groom’s family. Bridezilla cried, begged, pleaded, stomped her feet, called her mom mean and hateful names, told her mom and dad they owed her the wedding she had dreamed of all her life with one guilt trip after another, and threw a major hissy-fit every time something wasn’t going her way. Wow.

Once our email discussions were over, I wrote the “who pays for what” article and set it up to go live in March of this year, which is right about the time of year when “wedding season” starts kicking in and brides with their moms start working on wedding plans and searching for information online. Did Bridezilla get her dream wedding? Oh yes she did, and how.

“Mom” racked up a killer credit card bill for her daughter’s wedding, and the cost of the wedding that now sits on her credit cards totaled close to $10,000. That’s just the disabled mom’s bill, and when you add another $20,000 or so that was split between Bridezilla’s dad and the groom’s parents, I’d say she got her dream wedding alright.

Her wedding was held during one of the most popular and most expensive months to get married, Saturday, June 6th. The mom put her share of the wedding costs on credit cards, high-interest credit cards to be exact, which was the only way she could help pay for her daughter’s wedding. Guess what has happened?

After getting married just a few months ago, dear “darling daughter” wants a divorce, and she actually expects her mom and dad to “help” pay for her divorce lawyer! There are no real “grounds for divorce” to speak of, no accusations of abuse of any kind, she just “changed her mind” and decided she doesn’t want to be married after all.

Considering the sensitive nature of some of the topics I discuss on Telling It Like It Is, not much surprises or shocks me anymore, but THIS shocked me. Not only was this young lady way too young to get married in the first place, but she’s also one of the most selfish, ungrateful, immature, unappreciative, entitled, manipulative, spoiled brats I’ve ever heard of in all my life.

Who pays for the divorce? Only time will tell, but if past experience is a sign of what is likely to occur in the near future, it’s not looking good for this mom, and probably even the dad. What do you think? Do you think this mom and/or dad should pay for this girl’s divorce after getting married about 5 months ago? By the way, this mom had no problems with me writing about her situation as long as I didn’t use her real name, which I wouldn’t do anyway. Is this situation crazy or what?

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How to Be a Good Daughter-In-Law: Building a Great Daughter-In-Law Relationship With Your Mother-In-Law

Lin — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 12:00:47 +0000

“Daughter-In-Laws from hell”? Are you a good daughter-in-law to your husband’s mother, or soon to be mother-in-law? Can you honestly say to yourself, “I am a good daughter-in-law”? Being a good daughter-in-law and building a great relationship with your husband’s mother, and maintaining that good relationship, can be easier than you think or more challenging and difficult than you could ever imagine.

Ever since I wrote How to Be a Good Mother-In-Law, I’ve been inundated with emails from mothers who describe their current or future daughter-in-law as the daughter-in-law from hell; jealous; selfish; manipulative; controlling; disrespectful; rude; conniving; evil and psychotic, just to name a few not-so-nice descriptive words about daughter-in-laws.

Some mothers used “daughter-in-law hates me” and “I hate my daughter-in-law” in the email subject line to describe the difficulties and animosity felt between the mother and daughter-in-law. A few mothers wrote about their relationship problems with a son-in-law as well, but the typical problems existing between mothers and daughter-in-laws are much more common than those with a current or future son-in-law.

I’ll be dealing with the issues of being a good son-in-law in an upcoming article, but for now let’s just stick with you, the daughter-in-law.

Mother-In-Law/Daughter-In-Law Problems

After reading and responding to many emails, as well as visiting websites, message boards and
online support groups where mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws complain about each other and their problems, it became obvious to me that there is a tremendous amount of misunderstandings, misinterpretations, hyper-sensitivity and mean-spirited gossip being said about each other. But rarely any advice or real solutions being shared.

Based on the complaints posted on those sites, it became apparent to me that most daughter-in-laws are not evil or cruel, but are misguided and feel threatened. Daughter-in-laws and mother-in-laws are both guilty of not even attempting to understand the others wants, needs and perspective, but are very quick to criticize and ridicule the other.

Members of various support groups for daughter-in-laws have even linked to my leave and cleave article, taking words out of context, in an extreme attempt to prove their personal opinion that communication with mother-in-laws (and sometimes father-in-laws) should be cut to a bare minimum if not completely eliminated.

Now you just wait a cotton-pickin’ minute! If that is your position, you’ve missed the whole point of that entire article and are twisting the meaning of leaving and cleaving for your own selfish reasons, and your attempts to get rid of your mother-in-law will come back to bite you in the end.

Trouble between a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law arises far too often when one or both thinks the other is out to get them, which is not necessarily true. The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law both want the same thing! Time spent with the son! Problems between the MIL/DIL (Mother-In-Law/Daughter-In-Law) often occur when one or both women try to get their needs met by attempting to exclude the other from even the simplest things in life.

One mother emailed me about how hurt she felt by not being included in any of the decisions about the wedding plans or budget for her son and soon to be daughter-in-law’s wedding, despite the fact that this mother is expected to pay more than half of the wedding costs!

Daughter-In-Law Do’s and Don’ts

Remember, your husband was a son to his mother first, and the relationship bond between mother and son should never be trifled with. The harder you try to divide and conquer the relationship between your husband and his mother, the more you will discover that you’ve undermined any and all efforts to get along with your in-laws and will cause your husband and his family to resent you.
Don’t take everything so personal. Taking every suggestion, recommendation or idea offered as always being a negative against you suggests the existence of very low self-esteem on your part. Why do you choose to take everything so personal? A mother emailed me about her excitement about becoming a grandmother for the first time and how she made a few harmless baby name suggestions, only to receive an email from her daughter-in-law that such suggestions are not wanted or welcomed. What?!
The relationship with the son is not a competition. He married you because he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. In a marriage, a husband must put his wife as number one in the relationship, but don’t make the mistake of putting your husband in a position of having to defend his relationship with his mother. If setting limits and boundaries are needed on how often your mother-in-law calls to speak to your husband or visits, it is up to your husband to decide and act on that, not yours.
Communication is key. Take the initiative to call and chat with your mother-in-law with news and updates, even if you think it’s about mundane, trivial matters. Remember birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and special occasions, just as I bet you want your mother-in-law to do for you. Invite your in-laws to your home for a meal on occasion. Send pictures and cards. Ask for advice and willingly listen to her ideas, but that doesn’t mean you must do everything her way. Ask your mother-in-law for recipes of your husband’s favorite meals while he was growing up – she’ll love it and so will your husband.
Take good care of her son. Your mother-in-law raised your husband to become the man you fell in love with and married, and she should be thanked, praised and respected for that. Your mother-in-law wants and needs to know that the hard work she put forth loving, raising and caring for her beloved son will continue to be provided in your care. Of course your mother-in-law expects to see your home is well-kept, clean and orderly, just as she worked hard to do while raising him. Of course she expects your husband to have clean clothes and clean underwear to wear at all times. Of course she expects your husband to always be well fed with healthy, nourishing meals, just as she did for so many years. Of course she does! So will you when it’s your turn to play the role of mother-in-law when the time comes.
Do not be a gossip. Are you a gossip? Do you talk crap about any of your in-laws? Spreading negative gossip about any or all family members will cause you to be labeled as a toxic person, undoubtedly leading friends, family and others to not want to associate with you or trust you ever again. The harmful effects of gossip are well-known, and you would be wise to learn the difference between good gossip and negative gossip before you yourself become a victim to a malicious gossiper and discover the results the hard way.

I know, there ARE mother-in-laws who will do everything within their power to prove you are not worthy of their son and will attempt to drive a wedge between you and your husband or husband-to-be. Develop a thick-skin, be assertive and respectful, but don’t stoop to her level and become anyone’s doormat. But not all mother-in-laws are trying to control you or take over your life; they want to be valued and want to share a meaningful place in your lives.

As the daughter-in-law, you’re trying to protect your “turf”, while your mother-in-law wants a place at your table too. Work on your relationship with your mother-in-law; read daughter-in-law books for further advice, be willing to apologize and sincerely say you are sorry for things wrongly said or done. Work hard to make amends with your mother-in-law and stop seeing her as a threat. Spend your time and energies building a good relationship with your mother-in-law that will last a lifetime.

Are you having MIL/DIL problems you would like to share? Do you have a question about having a good daughter-in-law relationship with your mother-in-law? Feel free to ask your questions in the comments section below.

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Mom Songs, Wedding Dance Songs, Songs For Moms and Dads

Lin — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 17:37:56 +0000

Mom songs are very popular for Weddings, Receptions, Birthdays, Mother’s Day and throughout the year as a “just because” gift for moms. The ability to download songs for mom and dad to make into a CD, or listen to on an MP3 player or iPod, is a creative and unique gift to the mom or dad in your life.

If you are getting married and looking for wedding dance songs, perhaps for a special father/daughter or mother/daughter dance at your wedding reception, review this list of 101 songs for ideas with some of the best mother songs and songs for dads. You will notice there are songs from various genres including pop, rock, country etc.

Some of these songs are a bit sappy for a father/daughter dance or mother/daughter dance, so you might want to consider mixing things up like in this father/daughter dance, where the typical traditional dance quickly turned into a funny White Wedding spin. Enjoy!

101 Songs For Mom and Dad

I Remember Mama – by Shirley Caesar
In My Life – by The Beatles Lyrics/Video
What A Wonderful World – by Louis Armstrong Lyrics/Video
A Song For Mama – by Boyz II Men Lyrics/Video
Mother – by Pink Floyd Lyrics/Video
You Are So Beautiful – by Joe Cocker Lyrics/Video
Try To Remember – by Harry Belafonte Lyrics/Video
The Perfect Fan – by Backstreet Boys Lyrics/Video
Somebody’s Hero – by Jamie O’Neal Lyrics/Video
In My Daughter’s Eyes – by Martina McBride Lyrics/Video
White Wedding – by Billy Idol Lyrics/Video
Mama – by Spice Girls Lyrics/Video
Because You Loved Me – by Celine Dion Lyrics/Video
Oh How The Years Go By – by Amy Grant Lyrics/Video
Mother’s Prayer – by Sandi Patti Lyrics/Video
You’ll Never Walk Alone – by Barbara Streisand Lyrics/Video
Mama – by IL Divo Lyrics/Video
Thank You Mom – by Good Charlotte Lyrics/Video
Surrender – by Cheap Trick Lyrics/Video
Simple Man – by Lynyrd Skynyrd Lyrics/Video
A Mother’s Love – by Aretha Franklin
You Raise Me Up – by Josh Groban Lyrics/Video
Through The Years – by Kenny Rogers Lyrics/Video
Daddy’s Girl – by Peter Cetera
Wind Beneath My Wings – by Bette Midler Lyrics/Video
Just The Way You Are – by Billy Joel Lyrics/Video
The Wonder Of You – by Elvis Presley Lyrics/Video
Three Times A Lady – by Lionel Richie Lyrics/Video
Angel – by Aerosmith Lyrics/Video
Hero – by Enrique Iglesias Lyrics/Video
He Didn’t Have To Be by Brad Paisley Lyrics/Video
Good Mother – by Jann Arden Lyrics/Video
God Bless Mom – by The Frames Lyrics/Video
I’ll Always Love My Mama – by The Intruders Lyrics/Video
Sweetest Decline – by Beth Orton Lyrics/Video
Mama, I’m Coming Home – by Ozzy Osbourne Lyrics/Video
Your Mother Should Know – by The Beatles Revival Band Lyrics/Video
Mama You Been On My Mind – by Rod Stewart
Feels Like Home – by Chantal Kreviazuk Lyrics/Video
Mama a Rainbow – from Minnie’s Boys Lyrics/Video
Daddy’s Hands – by Holly Dunn Lyrics/Video
You Can’t Lose Me – by Faith Hill Lyrics/Video
Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison Lyrics/Video
I’ll Be – by Reba McEntire Lyrics/Video
I Turn To You – by Christina Aguilara Lyrics/Video
Mama He’s Crazy – by The Judds Lyrics/Video
My Girl – by Temptations Lyrics/Video
My Wish – by Rascal Flatts Lyrics/Video
I Hope You Dance – by Lee Ann Womack Lyrics/Video
Forever Young – by Rod Stewart Lyrics/Video
Goodbye’s (The Saddest Word) – by Celine Dion Lyrics/Video
Nothing Compares 2 U by Sinead O’Connor Lyrics/Video
Gracie by Ben Folds Lyrics/Video
Star – by Bryan Adams Lyrics/Video
Daughters by John Mayer Lyrics/Video
Sweet Child O’ Mine by Sheryl Crow Lyrics/Video
Never Gone – by Backstreet Boys Lyrics/Video
If I Could – by Barbara Streisand Lyrics/Video
Kind And Generous – by Natalie Merchant Lyrics/Video
The Way You Look Tonight – by Michael Buble Lyrics/Video
You Are The Sunshine Of My Life – by Stevie Wonder Lyrics/Video
Butterfly Kisses – by Bob Carlisle Lyrics/Video
Isn’t She Lovely – by Stevie Wonder Lyrics/Video
You’ll Be In My Heart – by Phil Collins Lyrics/Video
Can You Feel The Love Tonight – by Elton John Lyrics/Video
There You’ll Be – by Faith Hill Lyrics/Video
I Loved Her First – by Heartland Lyrics/Video
How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You) – by James Taylor Lyrics/Video
Have I Told You Lately – by Rod Stewart Lyrics/Video
Ain’t That Love – by Ray Charles
Father And Daughter – by Paul Simon Lyrics/Video
Landslide – by Fleetwood Mac Lyrics/Video
Sweet Child O’ Mine – Guns N’ Roses Lyrics/Video
Thank You – Led Zeppelin Lyrics/Video
My Little Girl – by Tim McGraw Lyrics/Video
Daughter – by Loudon Wainwright III Lyrics/Video
Unforgettable – by Natalie Cole and Nat King Cole Lyrics/Video
Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel) – by Billy Joel Lyrics/Video
Father’s Eyes – by Amy Grant Lyrics/Video
If I Could – by Celine Dion Lyrics/Video
Daddy’s Little Girl – by Al Martino Lyrics/Video
Wonderful Tonight – by Eric Clapton Lyrics/Video
Daughter Of Mine – by John McDermott
Time Of Your Life – by Green Day Lyrics/Video
You’re The Inspiration – by Chicago Lyrics/Video
My Special Angel – by Bobby Helms Lyrics/Video
You Decorated My Life – by Kenny Rogers Lyrics/Video
That’s How Strong My Love Is – by Otis Redding
Stand By Me – by Ben E. King Lyrics/Video
Daddy – by Beyonce Lyrics/Video
Do I Make You Proud – by Taylor Hicks Lyrics/Video
I’ll Stand By You – by The Pretenders Lyrics/Video
Some Hearts – by Carrie Underwood Lyrics/Video
You Got It – by Roy Orbison Lyrics/Video
Anyway – by Martina McBride Lyrics/Video
You’re My Little Girl – by Go Fish Lyrics/Video
Stealing Cinderella – by Chuck Wicks Lyrics/Video
Sunrise, Sunset – from Fiddler On The Roof Lyrics/Video
Don’t Forget To Remember Me – by Carrie Underwood Lyrics/Video
The Best Day – by Taylor Swift Lyrics/Video
When The Stars Go Blue – by Tim McGraw Lyrics/Video

If you are searching for wedding dance songs, be sure to check out the words and lyrics to any song you are considering in order to avoid an embarrassing disaster at your wedding or reception because of song lyrics that just don’t fit the occasion or your relationship.

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How to Divorce Your Parents, Minors Emancipation, Can You Divorce Your Parents?

Lin — Mon, 18 May 2009 11:00:14 +0000

Can you divorce your parents? How do you divorce your parents if you are an adult child dealing with controlling parents or in-laws, or a teenager seeking legal minor emancipation or “divorce” from your parents? Are you dealing with a toxic, abusive and/or controlling parent and want to know how to “divorce” your parents?

I’ve received several “divorce your parents” email questions in recent weeks, from adult children dealing with over-involved, controlling parents who don’t know how to parent adult children, and from teens who think that getting pregnant on purpose or getting married too young is the way to qualify for emancipation from parents in order to get out from underneath their parents thumb. I’ll first respond to the adult children, then the teens.

If you are an adult child who has been researching “parents controlling adult children” or “controlling parents”, you likely came across my articles about parents helping vs. enabling adult children and didn’t think those apply to your specific situation (or they do apply, but that’s not what you want to hear and you don’t want to admit it).

How To Divorce Your Parents

Based on some of the emails I’ve received, I’d venture to say that there is a strong possibility that you may have a sense of entitlement that makes you want to “have your cake and eat it too”, but you can’t have it both ways.

If you really are dealing with “controlling parents” or in-laws that don’t understand what parenting adult children means or the need for respectful boundaries, these articles will help explain that “divorcing” controlling, toxic parents as grown, adult children may be the only viable option left to protect your physical, emotional, mental health and well-being.

Allow yourself the personal right to disengage, disassociate, and detach.

Reasons given for adult children divorcing their parents include:

Parents who hit and/or verbally abuse their adult children despite being grown, married with children and living independently of parents.
Parents who don’t show even the slightest measure of respect to their grown children, or anyone else.
Parents who habitually lie and steal money from their own children.
Parents who purposely attempt to drive a wedge between their married son/daughter and spouse, in an effort to cause a divorce because of not “liking” their son-in-law or daughter-in-law.

I could go on and on with this list of “divorce your parents” reasons, but you get the idea.

Part of being an adult is having the backbone or assertiveness to stand up for yourself and say NO. You can say NO by not answering phone calls or responding to emails or letters, not attending or participating in family functions, and not allowing yourself to get drawn into the insidious, toxic family drama that you find so upsetting.

An “emotional divorce” from parents may be temporary or long-term. You may discover, after a period of time goes by, that you begin to feel the desire to gradually reconnect with your parents, where new rules and boundaries are assertively negotiated and respectfully followed on both sides.

Or, you may find that the time spent not talking to or visiting with your parents over a period of time brings you the peace and tranquility you’ve needed, where you now have no desire whatsoever of ever reestablishing a relationship with your parents. Whether or not you ever decide to reconnect with your parents is a personal decision you have to live with, along with whatever consequences come from your personal choice or decision on the matter.

Emancipation of Minors

What are your reasons to get emancipated? Saying “I want to get emancipated” isn’t good enough. A minor may seek minor emancipation (often referred to as teen emancipation or child emancipation) for reasons such as abuse, neglect, marriage, teen pregnancy, joining the military or just to be an independent adult.

Unfortunately, some teens throw around the “abuse” and “neglect” words quite freely and undeservedly towards their parents rules and guidelines, and think that emancipation of minors is their personal “get-out-of-jail” free card to do whatever they want without any parental oversight or control.

Reality Check: Emancipation decrees are rarely granted and the court reserves the right to rescind the right and place the minor into the care of the state at any time, for any reason, before the minor reaches the age of majority.

Sure, there are some new “rights” after becoming emancipated, but there are other adult “rights” you will be responsible for as well. Such as:

Support yourself financially. A judge will not grant your emancipation if you are unable to totally support yourself.
Paying for your own food, clothing and shelter. Getting and paying for your own medical, dental, and automobile insurance.
Pay all of your own bills. Your income must be from a legal source.
You must go to school. Emancipation and education laws require minors stay in school, finish high school until they graduate or reach the age of 18.
Child labor laws still apply, which means you can’t work as many hours as you may want.
As a minor, you can’t have sex, drink alcohol or vote until you are of legal age. Forget the idea of becoming a teenage pregnancy statistic just to become emancipated. The laws governing unlawful sexual intercourse (“statutory rape”) means it is illegal for a minor to engage in sex with anyone (even if it’s with another minor), unless the teen is married and having intercourse with his or her spouse.

Running away from home and/or having sex anyway could very well show the judge that you are a troubled, rebellious teenager in need of counseling rather than emancipation. Having sex anyway could mean your “significant other” will find themselves on the list of convicted sex offenders; and it will not work to your advantage when trying to convince a court judge that you are “mature” or deserving of emancipation.

Teens, do you know the legal age to move out of the house without parent consent or permission in your state? If you commit a crime (ie. unlawful sexual intercourse) you may be tried as an adult in a court of law. Whether or not you become emancipated has nothing to do with being tried as an adult. (Age of Consent)

There is a big difference between emancipation and divorcing a parent, but far too often, teens don’t take the time to become knowledgeable about minor emancipation laws or ask the necessary questions regarding becoming emancipated, such as:

What is minor emancipation? Legal emancipation from parents is a process that gives a teen legal independence from his or her parent or guardian before the “age of majority” (18 years old in most states), whereby a minor may petition the courts to be legally responsible for him or herself and no longer under the custody and control of parents.
How old do you have to be to get emancipated? Emancipation laws vary from state to state. If the state you live in has an emancipation law, (only about half of them do) it usually requires the minor to be at least 16.
How do you get emancipated? In the United States, there are three main ways to become emancipated.

1. Get married - Getting married too young and marrying for the wrong reasons will put you on the fast track towards divorce so quick it would make your head spin. (See Marriageable Age)

2. Join the military – you must meet the military’s minimal educational requirements and provide a valid high school diploma or GED. The military must still be willing to accept you.

3. Go to court and have the judge declare you emancipated by “judicial declaration”

In order to get a judge to grant an emancipation judicial declaration, you must prove the following:

You are at least 14 years old (emancipation age varies by state)
You don’t want to live with your parents and your parents will consent
You must prove you are mature. How? Do an online search for “signs of maturity” and “signs of immaturity” and see how your maturity level pans out. Witness accounts from friends, teachers, counselors, YOU, employers, and other responsible adults who will provide testimony of various signs of maturity as proof for the court.
You can financially and legally support yourself
You must show that emancipation would be in your best interests.

Court cost of emancipation – To get emancipated, legal forms commonly known as “emancipation papers” or “emancipation forms” will need to be filed with the court. The average filing and court fee is about $250.00, plus the cost of your legally required attorney. Attorney fees for emancipation average between $800-$1000, if the petition is not contested by your parents, otherwise the costs could be much higher if parental permission is not granted. Can you afford emancipation?

Do I need my parents’ consent (permission) to get emancipated? Yes. Minors need parental consent (and consent by the courts) to get married and parental permission to join the military. Plus, the armed forces is under no obligation to accept you. To become emancipated, a minor must give his/her parents notice of the court hearing, and the parents may go to court to contest the emancipation.

Parents: You can do an online search for “Prevent your child from becoming emancipated” for more information on that.

Teens, emancipation is a very heavy responsibility and must be taken very seriously. There are alternatives to emancipation as well, such as your parents consenting to you living with another relative or family friend. Otherwise, you will just have to suck it up and deal with your parents like the rest of us until you are automatically emancipated when you turn 18 and can legally move out of the house and be on your own.

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Who Pays for What? Who Pays When Planning a Wedding on a Budget

Lin — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 11:00:53 +0000

UPDATED: Who pays for what? Who decides the wedding budget when planning a wedding? Who pays the wedding costs and expenses according to traditional wedding etiquette vs. modern etiquette? Who pays for the honeymoon? How do you go about planning a wedding when you have Cinderella wedding dreams dancing in your head?

Who pays for what is a common question for brides, grooms, and their families when it comes time to begin planning a wedding. If you do an online search for “wedding who pays”, “who pays for wedding” or even “who pays for what wedding”, you’ll find a lot of old-fashioned, archaic nonsense akin to the 18th or 19th century.

It’s about time that brides, grooms and parents begin to pay attention and accept the changes taking place in American wedding customs about who pays for weddings, receptions and honeymoons with open arms, not an open bank account, Credit Cards or loans.

Planning a Wedding On a Budget

According to The Knot Wedding Shop, a popular wedding planning website, the average cost of a wedding in the U.S. is expected to drop at least 10% in 2009 from the average price of $21,814 for a wedding in 2008. Due to the economy, personal financial circumstances and just plain common sense, engaged couples and families are having to find ways to cut wedding costs while still planning a beautiful, affordable, spectacular wedding that won’t create a financial burden for whoever ultimately pays for the wedding.

“Traditional” rules say the bride’s parents pay for everything but the kitchen sink, except for a little help from the groom’s family, who have traditionally been expected to pay for the rehearsal dinner and groom’s cake. Tradition hasn’t been too kind to the bride’s parents, who have been saddled for far too long with the cost of an expensive wedding and reception for their darling daughter and her Cinderella fairytale-fantasy dreams of the perfect wedding.

This is not the 18th or 19th century, and traditional wedding customs have shifted to a more modern view of wedding etiquette and how wedding expenses are to be paid and by whom. Thank goodness for that! Despite your best efforts, weddings, receptions and honeymoons can easily become very expensive, and no one should feel obligated to accept a financial burden of paying more than what is reasonable or what you feel comfortable paying, if anything.

The days of planning a wedding and reception, then sticking dear ol’ mom and dad with the whole tab are over, but some of today’s brides want to have their cake and eat it too. These brides want what they want and they want it now, and when it comes right down it, some brides use the buzz words “traditionally, parents pay for the wedding and reception” in order to guilt-trip parents into paying for a “typical wedding” they may not be able to afford.

In the olden, “traditional” days, women typically stayed at home and didn’t have jobs or careers of their own and couples certainly weren’t living together as is so common today, but try as you may to remind your son or daughter that times have changed to a more modern view of wedding etiquette, and you will likely see some rolling of the eyes or foot stomping as they attempt to come up with another guilt-trip.

Traditional views and trends have changed to where we now see couples deciding to live together before marriage while working full-time jobs of their own, couples getting married later in life, and the increased number of second marriages and blended families.

This more “modern” trend towards greater maturity before marriage brings higher income levels and the ability for engaged couples to take on a more responsible, active role in paying for their own wedding, reception and honeymoon, according to their personal wedding budget.

Who Pays for What?

That is not to say that parents and families on either side can’t or shouldn’t help pay for or assist in covering the cost of a wedding. If you can, want or decide to pay for or split the costs of your son or daughter’s wedding, by all means do so. Just don’t get caught up in the tangled web of old-fashioned rules of traditional wedding etiquette, or allow your son or daughter to hurl guilt-trips at you when or if you are unable to afford paying what he or she expects you to pay for their wedding.

Which begs the question; Who decides what the wedding budget will be? More traditional, typical nonsense found online, in bridal magazines and wedding books telling couples how to plan a wedding, suggest that couples who have told their parents they are getting married should FIRST: decide what type of wedding they want, create a wedding planning checklist, choose the wedding location, decide the theme, style, colors etc, decide how many bridesmaids and groomsmen there will be, decide the wedding budget and THEN hit the parents up for the money.

Back up the horse-drawn carriage or thoughts of wedding limousine services for a modern-day reality-check. Before the bride and groom jump feet first into planning a wedding, ordering a tiffany wedding cake, picking out his and her wedding bands, or begin shopping for wedding china and table settings, couples should FIRST: have a conversation with each person or family member that is hoped/expected to pay for the wedding in order to ASK what each can afford to contribute to the wedding (if anything), BEFORE making any money-related decisions whatsoever.

THEN you will know in advance how much money there is to work with, and you can plan your wedding around a wedding budget that has been decided by the people who are actually paying for the wedding. Your parents/family may offer to pay for certain parts of the wedding, like paying for your wedding dress, the wedding flowers, invitations or food at the reception etc, or they may offer you a lump sum of money to help cover the overall cost of the wedding.

It is possible that your parents or family may not be financially able to contribute any monies at all; which means the engaged couple will have to pay for the entire wedding themselves. Even if your parents or family cannot afford to pay for the wedding as a whole or in part, you can still have a beautiful, if not spectacular, wedding by searching for creative, inexpensive or cheap wedding planning ideas.

Sources:

Who Pays For What at a Wedding

Wedding Budget: Who Pays For What

Old-School Wedding Etiquette Gets a Thoroughly Modern Makeover

Who Pays For What?

Who Pays For Weddings These Days?

Son’s Wedding…well what do you think?

Related article: How to Plan a Wedding

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Empty Nest Syndrome-Children Leaving Home, What Do I Do Now?

Lin — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 11:00:40 +0000

Empty nest syndrome refers to the feelings of sadness, grief, depression, loneliness, emptiness and loss when children grow up, leave for college, get married, or leave home to live on their own. “Empty-nesters” can either be mothers or fathers, but mothers are primarily the ones who have difficulty dealing with or coping with an empty nest when children begin leaving home to live their lives as adults.

What do I do now?, What can I do now?, are questions empty-nesters commonly ask before, during or after learning their children are leaving home, since parents have spent most of their lives focused on raising children, caring for the home and family, until suddenly the kids are gone.

Are you an empty-nester? Are your children leaving home to head off to college? Are your children getting married soon, moving away or getting their own home? Is your son or daughter leaving home soon, leading you to ask yourself, What do I do after my children leave home?

Empty Nest Syndrome

First, let me say, Congratulations! Give yourself a big pat on the back for having raised your children in such a way that you’re not dealing with adult children living at home years after kids should have left home and begun living their lives as full grown, successful, independent adults.

You have taught your children how to be an adult, and you should be congratulated! You have cut the apron strings by letting go, and the “tied to his mother’s apron strings” quote doesn’t apply to you in regards to your son or daughter leaving home. Trust me, you don’t want to deal with the “revolving door syndrome” so common in today’s society. Good for you!

If you are trying to deal with an empty nest now, or will be an empty-nester sometime soon, please understand you’re not alone. Many moms and dads are trying to cope with empty nest feelings and emotions just like you are, and no two people deal with stressful situations like this the same way, so patience, understanding and empathy are important.

What Do I Do Now? What Can I Do Now?

What do I do after my children leave home? There are many things you can do, should do or need to do now that your children have left home and you are alone at last. It’s time to change your focus on being a parent and the responsibilities of parenting children still living at home, and direct your time and energies towards other things you can do that bring you enjoyment, pleasure and a sense of fulfillment.

Ask yourself, if you could do it all over again, what are some “coulda, shoulda, woulda” things you wish you had done before getting married or before having children? The answer to “What do I do now” is that you now have time to take a life inventory on yourself and start doing the things you have always wanted to do but never could before.

It’s time to get busy! Put your thinking cap on and get those creative juices flowing, and come up with a “What I Can Do Now” list now that the kids are grown and gone. Go back to school to get your high school diploma, or get the college degree you always wanted. Rekindle the romance with your spouse and fire up your marriage by spending time together and bringing back the fun and excitement experienced when you were dating or before the kids came along.

Do some volunteer work; find a new hobby; join an active online support group for encouragement. Travel! Take a cruise, rent an RV and stay at RV parks while traveling, or check out the cost of Flights and buy a plane ticket to visit places you’ve always wanted to see but couldn’t. (I recommend the Philippines) Learn a new language! You can do what I’m doing and learn spanish online, or you can learn japanese online or any other language you have wanted to learn but never had the time.

Or, here’s an idea for you and it’s completely FREE! I bet, after raising your children, you probably have lots of interesting mom, dad, grandpa or grandma stories to tell. Why not start a free blog and write stories about whatever topics you are passionate about? If you’re wondering what is a blog, you’re reading a “blog post” right now about Empty Nest Syndrome. Get it?

Are you dealing with empty nest syndrome? What are some things you have found that helped you cope with your children leaving home? What is on your What I Can Do Now list? Share your ideas, suggestions, tips and advice in the comment section below.

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Most Popular Blog Posts 2008 at Telling It Like It Is

Lin — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 07:00:13 +0000

Support Groups for Parents with Grown Adult Children Living at Home with Parents

Lin — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 10:00:09 +0000

Numerous emails from parents needing help in finding support groups for parents with grown, adult children living at home have arrived in my inbox, especially after reading How to Stop Enabling: When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us and the “Helping vs. Enabling” articles listed there that deal with the difference between helping and enabling and parenting adult children.

Having grown, adult children at home with the parents, after adult children leave home to attend college, get married and start having families of their own, creates enormous problems and conflicts for many families.

Frustrated parents begin searching for a “child parent contract” with a list of “adult children rules” for grown children and parents to agree on and sign, only to discover the hard way that rules for adult children, parent child contracts and adult children moving back home rarely (if ever) works for either the parent or the adult children.

Having adult children living at home may temporarily ease some of the empty nest feelings and emotions for parents, but thinking that you are truly helping your child by allowing your grown children to move back home, especially lazy adult children who refuse to work, don’t budget or live within their means etc will not cure empty nest syndrome, but your enabling behavior will cripple your adult children.

It’s time to stop enabling, and there are online support groups, forums and/or message boards to help you stop enabling people that can, should and need to be doing things for themselves.

CafeMom is the largest support group/social networking site for moms and moms-to-be. Included amongst the various support groups found at CafeMom are groups for parents with adult children at home (commonly referred to as Boomerang Kids).

There you will experience emotional help and support in setting boundaries between parents and adult children, and groups of women/parents sharing personal stories of their adult children living at home and discussing ideas of getting these kids out of the parent’s house once and for all.

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What Parents Owe Their Children

Lin — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 12:00:15 +0000

What do parents owe their children? Do parents “owe” their children anything? Do parents owe their kids a college education, or an inheritance? Are the challenges of parenting causing concern and doubt on how to be a good parent while raising your children and teens? What does “parental responsibility” include in raising children?

The only things parents “owe” their kids in a material way is to provide for their basic needs of water, food, clothing and shelter until the children reach adulthood, where “kids” then take on the responsibilities of caring for their own needs as adults.

Children, adolescents and adults have 6 basic human needs including: physical, emotional, social, intellectual, spiritual and creative needs in order to be happy, healthy and well-adjusted individuals. Things such as personal ambition, self-control, respect, obedience, happiness, self-esteem, morality, courage, loyalty, integrity, honesty and independence are all things that cannot be bought or given, but must be learned.

Parents have the responsibility to teach and train their children about the basics of life such as how to speak, eat, walk, tie their shoes, use good manners etc, and it is the parents’ obligation and responsibility to love and care for their children with firm guidance and consistent discipline, support and educate them until they reach the age when they can and should provide for themselves and take care of their own needs.

Things Parent’s Do Not Owe Their Children

Parent’s do not owe their children every second or minute of their day, nor every ounce of their energy. Parent’s do not owe their children round-the-clock car service, singing lessons, dance lessons, karate lessons, trips to summer camp, trips to Disney World, expensive bicycles, a credit card, a motorcycle or a car when they reach the age of sixteen, or a trip to Europe when they graduate high school. Parents need to get off the “you owe me” guilt-trip and learn how to say no to children and their numerous demands and unrealistic expectations, and mean it.

Parents do not owe their children a college education or an inheritance. If parents can afford to send their children to college, fine; but parents must not become guilt-ridden if or when they cannot afford to send their kids to college. If children want or plan to attend college and their parents are not financially able to afford the expense, kids that really want to go to college can do so with scholarships, federal grant programs, student loans, etc. Parents who fall victim to the “give-me game” may find themselves guilted into bankruptcy if not careful.

When children become adults, parents do not owe them a down payment on a house or money for the furniture. Parents do not have an obligation to baby-sit or to take their grandchildren into their home when the parents go on vacation. If parents want to do it, it is a favor, not an obligation. Parents do not “owe” their grown children financial help or an inheritance regardless of how much money a parent has. Parents must learn to cut the financial umbilical cord for their own sake and for the sake of their children.

The parental responsibility of raising children to adulthood is an enormous challenge, as parents strive to provide for their child’s needs as best they can, only to hear those ominous words as kids get older, “you owe me” this or that. The idea of owing anything to children is usually heard from entitled teenagers and grown adult children who have unrealistic expectations of a parents responsibility and obligations to kids.

Psychotherapist Eileen Gallo, along with her husband John J. Gallo, collaborated on the book, Silver Spoon Kids : How Successful Parents Raise Responsible Children, and Gary W. Buffone, Ph.D., author of Choking on the Silver Spoon: Keeping Your Kids Healthy, Wealthy and Wise in a Land of Plenty, have provided parents two excellent parenting guides to ensure children don’t become spoiled about money in an age of unprecedented wealth, unlimited credit, rampant materialism and entitlement.

Included are helpful checklists, self-tests, and brief bits of wisdom and advice that parents can quickly put to use. Parents, if you have ever wondered how to talk to your kids about what money is and is not, what money can and cannot do, the above books are a great place to start.

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What It Means to “Let Go”

Lin — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 14:00:31 +0000

To “let go” does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can’t do it for someone else.

To “let go” is not to cut myself off,
it’s the realization I can’t control another.

To “let go” is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To “let go” is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another,
it’s to make the most of myself.

To “let go” is not to care for,
but to care about.

To “let go” is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To “let go” is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To “let go” is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To “let go” is not to be protective,
it’s to permit another to face reality.

To “let go” is not to deny,
but to accept.

To “let go” it not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.

To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires
but to take each day as it comes,
and cherish myself in it.

To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To “let go” is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To “let go” is to fear less,
and love more.

(Unknown Author)

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