Telling It Like It Is» planning a wedding

Catlin Gardens Wedding Venue Slate Hill, NY – Catlin Gardens Inn

Lin — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 12:00:44 +0000

Choosing the perfect wedding venue for local or destination weddings tops the list of things to do when planning a wedding. Catlin Gardens is an exquisite wedding venue in Slate Hill, NY, with an equally elegant Catlin Gardens Inn adjacent to the Victorian-style Manor House.

Nestled on 5 acres of the most beautiful, award-winning, flower-filled lavish gardens brides can imagine, Catlin Gardens is an excellent place for a destination wedding, graduation party, wedding vow renewal ceremony and reception, cocktail reception party, special occasions or business meetings in or around upstate New York.

Catlin Gardens and the adjacent Catlin Gardens Inn is located on Route 6 in Slate Hill, New York, just minutes from Round Hill and Middletown New York. The Inn has 40 guestrooms, featuring fine linens, fireplaces, fitness center, Jacuzzis, indoor pool, Irish-style pub, room service and complimentary breakfast, plus an extraordinary terrace overlooking a meadow.

Catlin Gardens Slate Hill NY

Catlin Gardens and the Inn at Catlin Gardens is surrounded by five acres of luscious sunken gardens, strolling pathways covering one half mile, water fountains, cascading waterfalls, romantic bridges, garden trellis and over 12,000 breathtaking blooming flora for a perfect wedding ceremony and reception. Besides the amazingly manicured landscaping and incredible view at Catlin Gardens, the outdoor wedding ceremony, cocktail hour area and catering banquet hall are magnificent in their beauty.

Brides who are looking for a magical, romantic wedding venue location in New York, need not look any further. Catlin Gardens in Slate Hill is a fantastic setting for a perfect wedding and reception, accommodating up to 210 seated guests, and will prove to be well beyond your wildest dreams or imagination. Picturesque perfect is what Catlin Gardens is all about, in the charming Hudson Valley hamlet of Slate Hill, and calling or visiting this family-owned and operated special occasion/wedding venue castle should be number one on a bride and groom’s to-do list.

Having recently attended a wedding at Catlin Gardens, there is no question as to why Catlin Gardens and the Inn is Hudson Valley’s most sought-after wedding venue, and why Catlin Gardens have received rave reviews. The Stack family owners (Jack Stack, his son John and daughter Stephanie, and John’s wife Jennifer) have every reason to be proud of Catlin Gardens and the newly opened Catlin Gardens Inn.

In a recent interview with the Times Herald, the owners discussed plans for the $7 million Inn and the Irish pub that will be open to the public for lunch and dinner, as well as the opening of a day spa.

“Eventually, we’ll be opening a day spa, so it’ll be, ‘Drop your keys and stay the weekend,’” Stephanie Stack said.

The Inn will include banquet rooms, including a smaller room with a wine cellar theme that will be suitable for rehearsal dinners and parties. Bridal suites and extra “green rooms” will accommodate makeup and hair for the bridal party.

“We’re hoping to become a destination,” Jennifer Stack said. “If you walk a bride through here, you don’t even have to sell the facility,” Jennifer says. “It’s like a fairy tale. Even the inn looks like a castle.”

The property has come a long way since 1990, when it was just the 19th-century house and the gardens along Catlin Creek, which patriarch Jack Stack designed and built himself. His daughter, Stephanie, got married in the gardens — and an idea was born. By 1997, the manor house had been converted to a catering hall, and Jennifer and John Stack — Jack’s son — were the first couple married in the hall.”

I couldn’t agree more. The staff at Catlin Gardens were spectacular and extremely helpful throughout the entire weekend wedding and reception. Jamie in particular is a staff member who deserves a lot of praise and thanks (and a pay raise), as he kindly took care of every detail, no matter how trivial the requests. Nearly every wedding has some kind of last minute problem to be solved, and Jamie was quick to bring whatever was required to fill the need.

Jamie kept the entire wedding party relaxed and organized, ensuring everyone had plenty of food and drinks (ie cocktails), giving the entire bridal party directions and detailed explanation as to how the wedding event and reception would occur, right down to its final blissful moments. The Catlin Gardens wedding menu packages and wedding cake selections are a sight to behold, and you’ll leave the facility tour and scheduled taste testing appointment fully appreciating the hard work and skill of the Culinary Institute of America-trained Chef.

Apparently Catlin Gardens has jobs available for area people looking for work too, interviewing for a variety of full and part-time positions such as Housekeeping Supervisor, Housekeepers, Cooks, Waitstaff, Bartenders, Front Desk and Night Auditor. Interested job applicants should email their resume to jobs@catlingardens.com for interview opportunities.

Catlin Gardens offers different wedding/reception packages, with price quotes for the middle range package somewhere around $139 per person (plus tax & gratuity), and the cheaper package somewhere around $99 per person + tax & gratuity. To discuss a negotiated price, if allowed, contact Stephanie Stack or visit the Catlin Gardens website at www.catlingardens.com.

Fulfilling every bride’s wish for a Cinderella dream wedding within the wedding budget makes Catlin Gardens and the Catlin Gardens Inn a favorite wedding venue, receiving praiseworthy reviews from The Knot Wedding Shop, if not THE BEST wedding venue in upstate New York.

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Wedding Bridal Shower Etiquette – Modern Bridal Shower Etiquette vs. Traditional

Lin — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 12:00:01 +0000

A bridal shower party (or couple shower) is a gift-giving party held for the bride-to-be in anticipation of her wedding. Gifts are given to the bride at her bridal shower to “shower” her and the groom with gifts to help them begin their new life together on the right foot.

The history of bridal showers is said to have grown out of dowry practices, originating in the 1890’s, and is common in our modern day in the U.S., Canada and Australia. If unable to attend a bridal shower you have been invited to, there are varying opinions on whether or not you should still send a gift. When in doubt, send a gift.

Who can throw a Bridal Shower? Traditionally, the maid or matron of honor is responsible for organizing and hosting a bridal shower, often with help from the bridesmaids. If the Maid of Honor lives out of town or is unable or unwilling to throw a bridal shower party for the bride, it is perfectly fine for someone else to do the honors.

Bridal Shower Planning

Past “traditional” etiquette for bridal showers dictated that mothers, or other immediate family members such as sisters or aunts, should not be involved in the planning of a bridal or personal shower. Modern bridal shower etiquette rules have changed to a more relaxed view, as many couples nowadays plan and pay for their own weddings, so family members often do participate in planning a bridal shower, personal shower or couples shower.

Another change to the traditional etiquette rules for bridal showers is about brides marrying for the second, third or more times. Old tradition rules said bridal showers were not held for second time brides, and certainly not for women marrying for three or more times. Modern bridal shower etiquette rules have disregarded and eliminated the old, archaic tradition. A bridal shower rule that remains the same in modern times is the bride never hosts her own bridal shower party.

When should a Bridal Shower be held? Traditional bridal shower etiquette says that, for practical reasons, a shower should be held at least four to six weeks before the wedding. However, there is nothing wrong with a bridal shower being held closer to the wedding date, provided that the busy bride and most of her family and friends can attend the shower. Traditional etiquette says the shower should be a surprise and held at least two weeks prior to the wedding, but surprise bridal showers may not be the most convenient for a bride and invited guests to attend, plus engagement parties and a Bachelorette party. Talk to the bride or use your best judgment.

Where should a Bridal Shower be held? There is no etiquette rule about where bridal showers can be held. Basic bridal shower guides list a private home, restaurant, garden park, special wedding party venue, church, country club, outdoor recreation area, or a hotel banquet room as possible ideas of where bridal showers are held. Choosing the location for the bridal shower depends upon the number of guests invited, type or theme of the party, budget, time and day of the shower, etc.

Tip: Shower guests should never be required to pay for their own meal. If a catered bridal shower is too expensive for the budget, or the costs of hosting a bridal or personal shower at a restaurant is too high a price to pay, don’t do it at those locations. Traditionally, people who are not invited to the wedding are not invited to the shower, unless there are very special reasons for doing so. Use your best judgment.

Who should be invited to a Bridal Shower? Women in the wedding party (or the entire wedding party if a couples shower), mothers and step-mothers of the bride and groom, sisters of the bride and groom, aunts and female cousins of the bride and groom, and the bride’s closest friends and/or coworkers. It is a personal decision whether to include and invite every woman invited to the wedding or not. A modern trend is to host a large bridal shower, where virtually everyone the bride knows receives an invitation to the shower.

Bridal Shower Etiquette

A traditional bridal shower is meant to be a small, intimate gathering of the bride’s closest friends and family. So-called “proper” bridal shower etiquette says the guest list should be a group no larger than ten to twenty invited guests, but medium to large bridal showers (100-300 guests) are becoming more the norm due to large families, step-families and the steady increase of couples showers.

Bridal shower games are not a required part of bridal showers, but serve the purpose as an “ice breaker” with guests who don’t know each other. If games will not be played at the bridal shower, be sure to begin the shower with introductions and/or provide nametags for all guests in attendance.

Thank you notes are an absolute must. Thank you’s from the bride should be sent to each person who provides a gift. Guests who purchase bridal shower gifts together, or guests who go in on a gift with each other, each individual person must receive a personal thank you note. Thank you notes should be mailed out within a couple of weeks following the shower, with an extra special thank you for the bridal shower hostess.

There are varying opinions on whether it is inconsiderate or rude to ask shower guests to write their names and addresses down on an envelope at the shower, to “help expedite” the mailing out of thank you notes. Some feel the idea is wonderful and thoughtful, while the vast majority apparently feel as I do that, as busy as the bride is prior to her wedding day, taking time to write out personalized thank you notes to her party guests for gifts received is a small but important part of what bridal showers are all about.

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Bridal Shower Games, Invitations, Themes, Supplies, Favors, Ideas, Gifts

Lin — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 04:11:02 +0000

Hosting a wedding bridal shower is a lot of fun, especially when it’s a surprise shower, where the bride-to-be has no idea that a bridal shower and/or personal shower is being planned in her honor. Some women do not like surprises or surprise parties, so use your best judgment when deciding whether or not to plan a bridal shower as a shocking, emotional surprise party or one where the bride is aware and in agreement with all the plans being made.

While the bride and groom-to-be are busy planning a wedding of their dreams, close friends and family get together to celebrate the upcoming nuptials with a personal/bridal shower for the bride, showering the engaged couple with gifts of all kinds for their soon-to-be new married life together.

Some showers are kept separate, such as a bridal shower being held sometime prior to the wedding with kitchen, bed & bath type shower gifts given to the bride, then a more intimate “personal shower” is held on another day with personal gifts given such as lingerie and bath products. Other times a combo shower is thrown, where both bridal and personal type gifts are given to the bride, and/or the groom if he is in attendance.

Bridal Shower Themes

Couples bridal showers are popular parties too, for men and women friends and family to attend, but many bridal showers are strictly for women only. Bridal showers can be thrown in someone’s house or backyard, at a fine restaurant, at an elegantly decorated party venue, or even in a beautiful garden park, just to name a few options.

There are many bridal shower themes to choose from, but some bridal showers have no specific theme at all. Throwing an elegant bridal shower for a bride is not hard, and bridal showers don’t have to be expensive, to the point of breaking the bank. Hosting any kind of party requires being organized and planning well in advance, something that apparently comes quite easy to me.

After initially considering hosting the surprise shower in my home or having a garden bridal shower in a local park with beautiful blooming flowers throughout the park, the final decision was to host the combination personal/bridal shower at a uniquely decorated indoor venue as sort of an afternoon catered tea party, with a catered menu of foods all the ladies would enjoy.

Once I carefully considered everything needed for a perfect bridal shower besides the location, such as the food and drinks, decorations, invitations, a special bridal shower cake, bridal shower games to play, party favors, music and gifts etc, deciding on a catered bridal shower at the chosen venue was a no-brainer. No cleanup necessary!

Planning a Bridal Shower

Planning a bridal shower for the first time can be stressful, but there are many unique ideas and suggestions found online that anyone hosting a party can do and appear to be an expert at planning parties. Probably the most challenging part of the planning process was choosing the bridal shower invites and finding funny bridal shower games that are actually funny.

Many of the traditional bridal shower games I found online or in local stores have been played at bridal showers for so many years that they’re not fun or funny anymore. It’s like the shower games are old, tired, overused and worn out. Not fun at all. There appears to be a real shortage of what I would refer to as NEW bridal shower games, and the typical games commonly played didn’t appeal to me in the least.

I must have created a list of at least ten to twenty of the so-called best bridal shower games to choose from including Bridal Bingo; What the Bride Wore; She Said; Hanging Out to Dry; Guess What’s In the Bag!; I Want to See You etc, but all the ladies were having so much fun talking, laughing and enjoying themselves that we only had time for one game during the entire bridal shower, which was called Finding Mr. Wright.

Having looked at hundreds of bridal shower invites online and not finding any that appealed to me, I ultimately decided on printable bridal shower invitations that I could print on my computer as a do-it-yourself project. It was a simple task to find bridal shower-type poems to choose from, to add a nice personalized poem to the invitations that were mailed to all the invited guests.

Getting the bridal shower invitation wording just right, centered properly on the invitations and printed out was very easy, much easier than even I anticipated. Browsing through the thousands of bridal shower party supplies available online made my job as party hostess that much easier. There was no need to run from one store to the next all over town trying to find bridal shower favors and game prizes, etc.

Bridal Shower Gifts

Choosing a gift for a bridal shower isn’t difficult, especially when the bride and groom are registered for wedding gifts at a store with a bridal registry. Buying a personal shower gift for a bride-to-be is even easier in my opinion, whether the bride’s specific sizes are known or not. I have yet to experience problems selecting a gift for a bride and/or groom, regardless of whether the couple is registered for gifts or not.

The same is true for brides who are getting married for the second, third or fourth time. Even though it is commonly believed that men and women marrying for the second or third time most likely have everything they would need as far as gifts are concerned, that belief is not necessarily true for couples who have been married before.

Some people feel that throwing bridal showers or personal showers for brides marrying for the second or third time etc goes against so-called “etiquette” rules, but we’re living in the era of modern weddings and more modern views, rather than the traditional olden days of the 17th or 18th centuries that are rather archaic in its rules.

Even if a man and woman are marrying for the second, third or even fourth time, the marrying couple is entering into a brand new life together, which deserves to be celebrated by all near and dear to them. Therefore, I see no good reason why such couples should be “penalized” by not receiving gifts and well-wishes from anyone who cares to shower the couple with a gift or gifts of their choosing, whether the engaged couple is registered for gifts or not.

The surprise bridal shower I recently threw was a complete success. Combined with the equally surprising Bachelorette Party I also threw for the bride-to-be the night before the bridal shower, the weekend of surprise parties with surprise out-of-town guests was the most fun we’ve all had in quite some time.

Even though I’m confident that I could handle being a wedding planner if needed, the excitement and anticipation and insomnia during the days and weeks leading up to the parties, brings me to the conclusion that I should just stick to planning personal/bridal showers rather than planning weddings. At least until my sons and daughters decide to get married.

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You Plan For Your Wedding – Do You Plan For Your Marriage?

Lin — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 11:00:44 +0000

This is a guest post from Dr. Michelle Gannon, a Relationship Expert and Psychologist who writes her own blog at www.drmichellegannon.com. Dr. Gannon is Founder of Marriage Prep 101, a Writer; Wife, Mom, Friend, Health, Fitness & Wellness Enthusiast.

When couples get engaged and plan their wedding, they are often busy with the excitement, details and stress of wedding planning. We spend a lot of time, money and energy on planning our weddings. Do you plan for your marriage?

Current research shows that the best way to build a lifelong marriage is to prepare for it. In our Marriage Prep 101 Workshops we apply the latest scientific research that shows what makes marriages succeed and fail.

Marriage preparation can help couples enhance their strengths, clarify expectations, identify areas needing change, learn and practice communication and conflict resolution skills, and develop more emotional and sexual intimacy. With attention and effort, most couples can create a strong relationship that will safeguard them against the inevitable strains of modern life.

Unfortunately, fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Half of those report being happily married, soonly 25% of married couples consider themselves happily married. Taking a marriage preparation workshop can help couples increase the likelihood of happy, successful marriages.

The Facts About Marriage Preparation

Research by four studies has found that taking a skill-based marriage preparation class can reduce the divorce rate by 30%. Also, research has found that couples who increase their positivity, learn how to resolve conflict, prioritize their marriage, and avoid relationship traps are indeed able to increase satisfaction and longevity.

In addition, according to the research, when couples have a baby, 2/3 report that their marital satisfaction goes down. However, if they know how to prioritize and work on their marriage, they will be better able to transition to parenthood and reclaim their marriage after children to work well together as parents, friends and spouses.

Most of us take Driver’s Ed classes when we learn to drive, and childbirth classes when we are expecting a baby. Why not take a marriage preparation class to prepare for your marriage? We invest in what is important to us – our education, career, hobbies and interests, parenting, golf game, yoga practice…what about our relationships?

Prepare for the Big Issues

The first five years of marriage are essential to figure out how to have a satisfying friendship, romantic life, and partnership. The most popular issues during the first five years of marriage are time, sex and money.

Many couples continue to fight about domestic responsibilities and finances. Conflict is inevitable in a long-term relationship, so it is essential to learn healthy conflict resolution skills and emotional repair. Couples need to learn how to communicate well, express love and caring, have fun together, appreciate each other, and create a relationship that is satisfying to both.

Imagine being the person you really want to be, and creating a long-term marriage that you can be proud of. We believe that we can be intentional, committed, proactive and positive, and even have fun along the way!

Dr Michelle Gannon is a San Francisco Psychologist specializing in Relationships, Wellness and Women’s Issues. She has been in private practice for 20 years helping individuals and couples live more positive, happier lives. She teaches award winning workshops, Marriage Prep 101 for seriously dating, engaged and newlywed couples with her husband, Dr Patrick Gannon. Over the past 10 years, over 1200 couples have visited San Francisco to take their workshop and describe it as positive, proactive and fun!

Dr. Michelle Gannon has been featured on the CBS Early Show, Evening Magazine TV, The Kathleen Show, Ronn Owens Radio Show, Sex with Emily Radio Show, TIME, PEOPLE, San Francisco Chronicle, SF Gate, Kathleen Show Health and Wellness Blog, Hitched Magazine, and many other newspaper, magazine, radio and TV shows over the years.

Dr. Michelle Gannon is a Psychologist who is proactive about her own relationships and well being. She has been happily married for 15 years, and is a mother of 12 and 11 year old boys, a cat and a golden retriever. She deeply understands the importance and challenges of balancing her own business, career, family, marriage, friends, fitness, wellness and fun. She writes at her own blog, Dr Michelle Gannon and Marriage Prep 101 website and welcomes your comments. She also enjoys interacting on Twitter: @DrMichellexo.

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Should We Get Married? Questions to Ask Before Getting Married

Lin — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 11:00:03 +0000

Many if not most dating couples seem to believe that getting married is the natural course of life. You grow up, graduate high school, go to college or get a job, meet and fall in love with Mr. or Ms. Right, get engaged, get married, start a family. Just like that, botta bing botta boom. Even if only one partner wants to get married, the pressure is on to get married anyway and start having babies because well, it just seems to be the natural next step in life. Right?

One of the most alarming questions I have ever received was from a young woman in her mid-twenties asking me to give her advice on how to make her boyfriend propose and marry her, because “he won’t commit”. After I declined to give her a list of things she could do to get a proposal from her boyfriend, she decided the best thing for her to do was to get pregnant on purpose and then propose to her boyfriend.

There are sites on the web that tell women of all ages a whole variety of underhanded ways to get their boyfriend to propose marriage, even when the poor guy has clearly stated his reasons for not wanting to get married quite yet or ever. Some girls want to get married for very strange and immature reasons (the wrong reasons), and will go to great lengths to figure out how to get him to propose anyway.

My advice is for the men who don’t want or plan to get married anytime soon, but their girlfriend is pressuring them into getting married. Don’t have sex, use protection or, better yet, Run! Feeling trapped into marriage is not a place you guys want to be, so if you’re dating a girl and feel you’re too young to get married or you’re not using condoms to protect against pregnancy, you’re setting yourself up for heartache.

Should You Get Married?

Before you marry, or before you even consider the idea of proposing marriage to your girlfriend or boyfriend regardless of age and level of maturity, the most important question dating or engaged couples should ask themselves is, Why get married or, Why should we get married? Are you ready for marriage at this stage in your life? Are you planning a marriage or just a wedding? Are you too young to get married? Do you know the reasons why you should or shouldn’t get married? Do you know the right and wrong reasons to get married? How do you know for sure that he or she is “the one” you want to spend the rest of your life being married to?

Any married person, including parents, grandparents, friends, coworkers and family that tells you that being married doesn’t change anything is absolutely out of their mind. Marriage changes a lot. There is a reason why wedding ceremonies include the words “for better or worse” right before the marrying couple share their momentous kiss, thus sending the happy newly married couple into what is supposed to be wedded bliss to “live happily ever after”.

Marriage Preparation Courses

If you decide you are ready and willing to get married to your significant other, one of the most important things both of you should do together during the wedding planning activities is premarital counseling. If you are planning to be married by a minister or clergyman, or you are planning to have your wedding in a church, synagogue, mosque or temple, the questions premarital counselors ask engaged couples will help ensure a successful marriage that lasts a lifetime. Or, you may be helped to realize you are planning to marry the wrong person and need to break off the engagement, cancel the wedding and/or run for your life.

Premarital counseling by an officiating minister, or marriage preparation courses for Christian couples (Catholic, Lutheran, Methodist, Protestant, Non-Denominational etc) who are planning a wedding in the near future should put pre-marriage counseling at the top of your To-Do list.

There are hundreds of verrry personal questions couples who are seriously dating or are already engaged need to ask themselves and each other before the wedding day arrives, not just 10 or 20 questions. Marriage is a serious commitment, so it is vitally important that you take your time thinking about and answering the counselors questions about marriage and your relationship.

Be sure to take the Myers Briggs Personality Test, commonly referred to as the Myers Briggs Type Indicator, which tests 16 different personality types for compatibility in marriage and family relationships. If your minister or counselor doesn’t suggest the Myers-Briggs test, be sure to ask that arrangements be made where both of you are given the quiz at the beginning of your counseling sessions. The Myers/Briggs test results can be a real eye-opener, helping couples learn things about their husband or wife-to-be that may surprise/shock you.

There are hundreds, if not thousands of books, premarital workbooks and workshops couples can do together, along with completing questionnaires and quizzes that help determine your readiness for marriage. Pre-marriage books are especially helpful if you’re not having a minister officiate your wedding, but are planning to get married by a judge or justice of the peace.

In order to make sure couples don’t regret getting married after the engagement parties, wedding and reception are all over with, dating and engaged couples must understand that getting married for the wrong reasons can quickly lead to an unhappy marriage full of resentment, disappointment and ultimately divorce. Couples who do not prepare for marriage properly, or are simply too young and immature to get married, often learn the hard way that getting married, being married and being happily married for a lifetime are entirely different from what they imagined marriage to be like.

Books on Marriage

You can find many before marriage questions in the book 1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married by Monica Leahy. Other books with similar questions to consider are The Hard Questions:100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say “I Do” by Susan Piver and 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged by Norm H. Wright.

Three more books to consider are There Goes the Bride: Making Up Your Mind, Calling it Off and Moving On by Rachel Safier, A Handbook for Engaged Couples by Alice and Robert Fryling, as well as the essential Getting Ready for Marriage Workbook by Jerry Hardin and Dianne Sloan.

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Modern Weddings Who Pays For What – Who Pays For Wedding Costs?

Lin — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 11:00:13 +0000

When planning a modern wedding, who pays for what? In decades past, because of the old tradition of dowry, the bride’s family traditionally paid for most or all the wedding costs. “Traditionally”, around the 17th or 18th century, the brides mother and/or father would pay for everything needed for the wedding and reception, including the venue (location of wedding/reception), bridal gown, music, flowers, venue, food, bar costs, gratuities and anything else. Then they also give a generous wedding gift to the happy newly married couple. However, times have changed.

Nowadays, it is very common for the bride and groom to pay for all or most wedding expenses themselves, or to more evenly split the wedding related expenses among both sets of parents. Why have the traditional rules of who pays for what in weddings changed, and how should engaged couples, parents and families deal with the more modern view of wedding etiquette in relation to the wedding budget and the question of who will be paying for the cost of the wedding?

There are a variety of reasons for the change from traditional to modern in regards to wedding planning and the budget. One reason is that people are choosing to live together before marriage for a period of time, deciding to get married later in life and are more financially established in their careers at the time of their wedding. Another reason is that there are more women working than ever before, compared to the ancient, archaic time period of women staying home “barefoot and pregnant” while men worked outside the home, so brides nowadays are often able to help pay for their own weddings. A third reason is the rising costs of weddings and the increased financial burden placed on parents who may not be able to afford paying for their son or daughter’s expensive dream wedding.

I am a firm believer in tradition, traditional values and beliefs, but I also believe in living within your means and adults paying their own way in life. There is often a big difference between the “traditional” division of wedding expenses and what people/parents can legitimately afford to pay without going into debt, or using their life savings or retirement accounts to pay for a wedding. Hence the numerous emails that continue to fill my inbox from mothers and fathers whose son or daughter is planning a wedding they cannot afford, and the sometimes manipulative tactics used to get the parents to pay more than they can afford.

Since writing the “who pays for what” article in answer to a disabled mother’s problem with her daughter demanding she pay more of the wedding than she could afford, the emails and questions just keep on coming. This time, rather than restating what I’ve already said on the subject, I decided to provide a variety of helpful links to online articles talking about Who Pays For What in Weddings as reference points for brides, grooms and parents.

Note: References to “traditionally who pays” are not rules written in stone but are merely guidelines for creating a wedding budget and determining who pays for the wedding. Sometimes the traditional wedding planning checklist needs to be modified for financial reasons. Brides, grooms and families should understand that your own personal finances will dictate what type of wedding/reception you can have, and who ultimately pays for what is entirely up to you and your families and their ability to pay.

Modern Weddings – Who Pays For What?

Engaged couples should first sit down with both families soon after announcing the engagement to work out the details of the wedding budget and who will pay for what. Without further ado…

Bridal Guide Magazinesays, “If you’re lucky, your families will approach you and your fiance’ to let you know what, if anything, they plan to contribute to your wedding. If your parents don’t initiate a conversation, you will need to, and the sooner you do it the sooner you can start hammering out a realistic wedding budget.”

“After announcing their engagement, the bride and groom sit down and estimate what they’ll spend on the wedding, probably after finding a reception site and making general decisions about theme, style, time of day etc. They then approach their parents and after describing what they’ve decided on so far, say gently, “We were wondering if you would be able to pitch in for any of the costs.” The parents may look at the budget and say, “We’d like to pay for the reception food and the flowers” for example. They may also offer a set amount they’ll contribute. If their parents say they can’t afford to contribute, or only offer a small amount, the bride and groom say, “Thank you for considering,” and perhaps have to revise their budget or find creative ways to pay for the wedding.” Read more here about who pays for what.

“64% of bride and grooms are breaking with the age old tradition of the brides parents footing the bill, by paying for their own wedding. With less than 18% of couples preferring to stick with tradition and allowing the brides parents to pay for the wedding and only 13% of the bride and grooms parents joining together to pay for their children’s big day. With nearly a thousand couples polled the results came as no surprise, confirming the steady shift in the way society views individual responsibilities, with financing for your own wedding being no exception.” Read more here about poll study results on who pays for modern weddings.

“Tradition was not financially kind to the bride’s family. Fortunately, at least if you’re looking at the situation from the viewpoint of that family, times have changed. Rather than burden one family with practically the entire cost of a wedding, it is common practice these days for both families—and sometimes the bride and groom—to share expenses. The best way to decide who will pay for what is for both families (or all the families that apply) and the couple to sit down together and have a frank discussion about what each party can afford to contribute.” Read more here about couples and families paying for weddings and wedding loans.

“Get together with every single person who might contribute to the total cost of the wedding. That means all parents, you and your fiancÃ©, and anyone else with a financial interest (may you be so lucky as to have an eccentric and wealthy aunt). This is the fastest way to find out how big you can dream. More and more often today, weddings are paid for by a two-family counsel—and more than 60 percent of brides and grooms are paying for at least part of the costs as well. This makes it pretty clear that the old rules of divvying up the wedding bills simply no longer apply.” Read more here on traditional vs modern wedding planning and costs.

“Gone are the days when a wedding means the bride’s father stands with an open palm awaiting a bill for all the expenses. Although traditionally the bride’s family was responsible for most (if not all) of the wedding finances, today’s perspective is one of practicality and a general respect for individual outlooks and varying alternatives. Wedding etiquette has evolved to take a host of variables into account. Current day ideologies embrace doing what works best for each couple and their family. No one should feel obligated to accept a financial burden, and couples should understand who will be paying well in advance of the selection process. Keeping everyone’s comfort in mind will allow for a wedding that is both spectacular and affordable.” Read more here…

“Forget the archaic rule that says certain people have to pay for certain things. The bride’s parents need not take out a third mortgage to pay for the wedding, and the groom’s parents are not off the hook either. Besides, the two of you might even be covering a good chunk of the expenses yourselves. The best way to work it out? Sit down with pencil, paper, and calculator and figure out what you really want and can afford. Keep in mind that informal weddings are usually smaller (and therefore cheaper), and formal weddings tend to be larger (and therefore more expensive). Here’s a list of the traditional costs for everyone involved — but remember, these “rules” are made to be broken!” Read more here…

“The most contentious subject for any wedding (and one that, without a doubt, will cause the most arguments) is money. Now you’ve set your budget you need to guide yourselves through the murky waters of working out who’s responsible for paying for what. Whilst traditionally the bride’s parents used to pay for the majority of the wedding, these days with a multitude of different familial circumstances it’s not so cut and dried. The costs may be divided equally between the two families. The bride and groom may choose to pay for the wedding themselves. The bride and groom may pay for majority of the costs with both families contributing towards elements that they’d like to help with, eg. the flowers, transport or cake. The two families may offer to contribute a certain amount towards the wedding, to be spent as the bride and groom wish. If either or both sets of parents are divorced a compromise can usually be found using a mixture of options.” Read more here…

“These days, the cost of a wedding makes a year at Harvard and Yale look affordable. How are you going to scrape together the bucks so you can have the bash you want? Put that idea about sticking up the Federal Reserve on hold. You have options — legal, time-honored, respectable options. The kind of options that, unless you’re in the habit of bouncing checks, won’t land you behind bars. Here’s a rundown of some of them, plus their pros and cons. Keep in mind that a combination of two or more may be how you end up getting your wedding paid for.” Read more here…

“Nowadays, the cost of even the most modest wedding can be astronomical, but times are changing (phew!) and often the family of the bride, the couple themselves and even the groom’s family can contribute to costs. A wise father will set his budget as early as possible and advise the couple as to what he is able, and prepared, to spend. Then there can be no misunderstandings and the couple are able to budget accordingly and decide where their priorities lie.” Read more here…

“There was a time when the Father of the Bride was essentially expected to hand over a blank check in order to cover almost all wedding expenses. That was during an age when marriage was the ceremonial transferal of responsibility for (and possession of) the bride, from her father to her husband. She usually came with a really neat dowry, like two donkeys and a sack of lard. While many still count on Dear-Old-Dad (and Mom!) to foot the bill, most contemporary couples are dealing with a more complicated set of rules, or lack thereof. This is due, in part, to the fact that many couples are getting married later in life and therefore are more financially stable when they do; and also because a greater number of women are enjoying successful and lucrative careers than was the case in previous generations.” Read more here…

“Weddings can be elaborate and very expensive or they can be fairly simple and affordable. The decision about a wedding budget is one that needs to be made by the bride and groom and their families-together. While tradition dictates that the bride’s family covers most of the expenses of a wedding, that tradition is not necessarily relevant today. Particularly with marriages that occur after the bride and groom are educated and established, many of today’s weddings are primarily financed by the bride and groom themselves. In other cases, the traditional divisions of responsibilities for wedding expenses are more flexible than ever.” Read more here…

Are you getting married soon? Have you initiated the “money talk” with your parents yet? Who will pay for your wedding, reception and/or honeymoon? Are you sharing costs equally? Are you paying for your wedding yourselves or are you and your families splitting the costs in some way?

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