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How to Tell Your Parents You Are Getting Married

Lin — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 10:00:28 +0000

17 year-old Melissa and her 21 year-old boyfriend Mark want to know how to tell her parents they are getting married. Melissa and Mark secretly got engaged last month on Melissa’s birthday and are planning on getting married soon, and she is very nervous about telling her parents. She’s especially nervous about telling her dad that she is getting married at 17, as she’s afraid both of her parents will not approve of the marriage. After searching for information on “telling parents about getting married”, Melissa found my Questions to Ask Before Getting Married article, which lead her to email me yesterday.

Melissa wrote, “How do I tell my parents I’m getting married so they will give parental consent? In the state I live, the age you can get married without a parent’s consent is 18, but we don’t want to wait. No, I’m not pregnant. We love each other very much and want to get married right away. I’m very mature for my age and we both feel we are mature enough to handle the responsibilities of being married, so why should we have to wait until I turn 18? What’s the big deal? Please don’t tell me I’m too young to get married, and I’m not looking for a lecture on whether we should get married or not. Oh, we’ve been dating since I was 14 and he was 18.”

Getting married at 17 is a very big deal, and while I won’t lecture on how young is too young to get married, I will give some important things to consider before getting married and then how to tell your parents you are getting married, or at least wanting to get married.

There are many good reasons to get married, just as there are many reasons not to get married, and it doesn’t matter if the person is 17, 18, 21, 26 or 30 years-old or older. Getting married is the easy part; being married and being happily married for the rest of your life is not so easy, and those considering marriage should not take getting married lightly.

Reasons not to get married include getting married because of “love at first sight”, immaturity, sexual attraction/lust, a cure for loneliness, freedom from parents, as an act of rebellion, rebound relationships, pressure to marry, wish for a fancy wedding, friends or peers are married or getting married, a sense of obligation, pregnancy, wanting a baby, emotional insecurity, and financial reasons.

Many of these reasons are purely selfish and do not take into account the other person’s feelings or needs, and such marriages are more likely to end in divorce. Just because there is an chronological age you can get married legally in most states, with or without parental consent, doesn’t mean you should get married now, or ever.

Regardless of age, anyone contemplating marriage should spend a great deal of time learning everything there is to know about the responsibilities in marriage, the roles of husband and wife, paying special attention to learning about how to be a good wife or how to be a good husband before getting married and preferably before getting engaged.

Waiting until you are already married to discover the hard way that having a successful marriage requires a lot more work than you initially imagined will only create conflicts and problems in your marriage you weren’t prepared for.

There aren’t just 10 questions to ask before getting married, there are hundreds of before marriage questions that couples have a duty and responsibility to discuss openly and provide honest answers to, in order for both to know exactly what they’re getting themselves into if they choose to marry each other.

That’s why premarital counseling is so important, regardless of what age you are when you get engaged and plan to marry. My advice for anyone planning to get married (regardless of your age) is to make sure you take the time to get as much marriage advice as humanly possible, seek out premarital counseling by a reputable premarital counselor or minister of your choosing, research information on Christian premarital counseling online, take a marriage preparation course, and read marriage books that provide helpful information and advice on how to have a happy, successful marriage.

Being nervous to tell your parents that you are getting married may be because you already suspect they won’t approve or give consent, but you won’t know that until you talk to them. Keeping your engagement a secret, or rushing off to secretly elope, will only make matters worse when telling your parents about your marriage or wedding plans. Don’t wait any longer to tell your parents; they just might surprise you and give full support of your marriage plans, and offer to pay for the wedding or at least part of it.

If you tell your parents about your plan to get married with a disrespectful attitude and tone of voice, prepare yourself for the news to cause an explosive reaction from both your mom and your dad. You may want to tell your parents over dinner at a restaurant if that makes you feel more comfortable and at ease, otherwise calmly and respectfully tell them you are engaged and would like to get married with their consent and approval.

Be prepared to answer any and all questions they ask honestly and respectfully. If you don’t know the answer to one or more of their questions, say you don’t know but be sure to explain that you and your fiance’ are taking all the necessary steps to educate yourselves about marriage and will complete premarital counseling classes, and make sure you do so. Listen and carefully consider whatever your parents have to say, whether it be questions, concerns, doubts or fears if they feel you are too young to get married at your age, or if your parents have other concerns about your relationship.

Telling your parents what they want to hear rather than the truth is a surefire way of making your parents angry, and you can bet they won’t be inclined to give parental consent and you’ll have no choice but to wait until you are of legal age to marry without their approval.

Your parents likely know you better than anyone else at this point in your life, and while I won’t tell you that you are just too young to get married, the fact that fear and nervousness is keeping you from telling your parents about your marriage plans creates questions and doubts about your maturity and readiness for marriage.

If you were my daughter, or Mark was my son, I’d tell you both to wait a couple/few more years before getting married. I’d tell you both to go to college and get your degree, establish yourselves financially in your careers of choice, as you have your entire lives ahead of you to be married and have a family. No lecture here, just facts to help ensure you are saving your marriage before it starts and ends up in divorce court within two years after the wedding.

Do you think someone that is only 17 is just too young to get married, or do you think the decision to marry depends more on maturity and readiness for marriage? What is your advice for Melissa and Mark, or other young couples thinking about getting married at a very young age?

Related Articles:

Questions Before Marriage – Questions to Ask Before Getting Married
Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members
How to Fight Fair in Marriage
How to Spice Up Your Marriage
How to Get Along With the In-Laws: Dealing With In-Laws and Extended Family
Relationship Deal Breakers – Non Negotiable Boundaries
What does it mean to “leave and cleave” in traditional wedding vows?
How to Spot a Gold Digger

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Questions Before Marriage – Questions to Ask Before Getting Married

Lin — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 10:00:52 +0000

Before you say “I do”, and preferably before getting engaged, there are hard questions about marriage that need to be asked that may determine the success or failure of your marriage relationship before it even starts. Asking yourself and your prospective spouse the right questions before marriage will not only help you decide if you’ve truly found “The One”, but will also help you avoid common problems that can lead to divorce.

By taking the time to honestly evaluate your feelings and motivations for getting married, you will be able to determine your degree of readiness for marriage. Honest answers to the hard questions, thereby saving your marriage before it starts, helps determine how well you and your prospective mate will deal with problems and issues that often arise such as finances, sex, communication, conflict, parenting, in-laws, spirituality, expectations and chores.

Premarital counseling should be given serious consideration before getting married, as relationship experts agree that too many couples fail to ask themselves and each other critical pre-marriage questions before marrying. People simply don’t learn enough about each other before they slip on the wedding band and find themselves disillusioned with marriage, so these “getting to know you questions” are important questions to ask your boyfriend or girlfriend, and carefully listening to the answers can save you years of regret and heartache.

Questions to Ask Before Getting Married

Question 1: Am I/we really in love? What do I love about my partner? Be specific! You need to be sure that you both truly love each other rather than confusing infatuation or lust for each other. True love happens slowly, really loving the “whole person” as they are right now, not as you would like them to be after trying to mold him/her into the perfect husband or wife like malleable pieces of clay.

Question 2: Why are we getting married? Why am I asking this person to marry me? Pregnancy, financial security, loneliness, need for sex, wanting children, getting away from mom/dad etc are some of the worst reasons to marry and getting married for the wrong reasons can quickly lead to feelings of disappointment, resentment and divorce.

Question 3: What are my expectations of marriage? Have you fully considered and discussed everything involved with preparing for marriage? Marriage expectations can either make or break a marriage. False expectations, believing in the myths about marriage, thinking that someone else can or will make you happy, trying to read each other’s mind, losing yourself to the other person, wanting to do everything together, and wanting to have a “perfect marriage” will put you on the fast track to unhappiness and disappointment in marriage.

Question 4: Do your boyfriend or girlfriend’s family and friends like you? What do you like and dislike about each others family? How much time will you spend with in-laws? How much involvement do or will family members or parents have in decision making? Does your partner stand up for you in conflict situations with family or friends, or does he/she become passive and quiet while you simmer with anger and frustration?

Dealing with in-laws can be very difficult, with one or more family members creating problems and stress in your marriage due to their own false expectations of time spent together; conflicts and arguments with toxic family members over where holidays and special occasions will be spent; disagreements over how grandchildren should be raised or disciplined; mother-in-law’s being over-involved and critical about how to cook and clean house or sharing her personal opinions on being a good wife or husband without being asked for such advice.

Question 5: Are you a saver or spender when it comes to handling money? What are my/our personal and financial goals? Should we have a joint checking account or separate accounts or both? Who will have the primary responsibility for making sure that bills are paid on time? How much do we owe in debts and what are our assets, if any?

Money problems and financial disagreements is one of the top ten reasons for divorce, making it vitally important that couples communicate how money will be spent or saved in order to avoid needless arguments over money. Both husband and wife need to know everything about bills, loans, debts, savings account balances, credit card purchases and balances etc, rather than either the husband or wife controlling all the money and making all the financial decisions without the knowledge and agreement of their spouse.

Question 6: Are the two of you able to “fight fair?” Are there existing problems in your relationship that need to be dealt with before the wedding? Have you created your “non-negotiable deal-breaker” list and discussed them openly with your prospective spouse? What are the things that you will not accept or tolerate in your marriage relationship? Fights and disagreements do happen in marriages, and how you both deal with these problems in a respectful, non-violent, mutually agreeable manner will greatly determine if your marriage will be a happy and successful one or not.

Question 7: Do you want children? When? How many? Does your partner want children? If so, when and how many? Do you both agree on how to discipline children, discussing a variety of discipline methods you both believe in (time-outs, standing in the corner, taking away privileges, spanking, etc.) and are in complete agreement?

Disciplining children effectively requires that both of you are on the same page and agree on how discipline will be handled. Keep in mind that children learn what they live, and your kids will pick up on the verbal and non-verbal communication within the home and will develop what they perceive to be “normal” relationship interactions and behavior based on how you role model proper behavior within the home.

Question 8: Do you like and enjoy sex? How often do you need or expect sex? Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears? What sexual activities do you enjoy most? Least? Are there specific sexual acts that make you uncomfortable? If so, what? Be specific! Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect, want and need?

Does the mere mention of sex toys or vibrators make you feel squeamish, uncomfortable or make you giggle with embarrassment? Women especially have a difficult time discussing sex, foreplay, preferred sexual positions etc, but discussing sex with your soon-to-be spouse and life partner cannot be overemphasized. Expecting your husband or wife to somehow read your mind and “just know” what you want or need sexually doesn’t work and often leads to disappointment and disillusionment in marriage. SEE: How to Please a Woman in Bed, Pleasure and Satisfy Her Completely for tips.

Question 9: Is religion a big part of your life? What current religious affiliation do you currently have, if any? How important is it that your partner share your religious beliefs or convert to your religion? Does your religion impose any behavior restrictions that would affect you and your partner as a married couple such as dietary, social, sexual, familial etc? If so, be very specific!

Religious beliefs, spirituality and expectations for raising children in homes with different religious beliefs and upbringing can easily become a non-negotiable deal-breaker, so be absolutely sure you both discuss, understand and agree on what each other expects in regards to how religion will or will not affect your marriage and role as parents.

Question 10: How well do you communicate with your partner? Are you better at listening or speaking? How do you and your partner feel about using strong language or cuss words when communicating? How do you express yourself when upset or disappointed? Do you speak up for yourself assertively or become passive and quiet, unwilling to engage at all in discussions or during disagreements? Are you prone to screaming and yelling? Slamming doors? Hitting?

The communication differences between men and women are many, how each listens and speaks to the opposite sex is a telling sign of things to come, and how well you communicate will affect to a large degree the happiness and longevity of your marriage. Improving your communication skills with your partner with loving, respectful, effective communication, without resorting to abusive behaviors such as screaming, yelling, cussing, pushing, shoving, hitting and slamming doors will make or break your relationship and will affect the lives of any children that you may have in a negative or positive way.

Is anyone ever really ready for marriage? Getting engaged and planning to get married should be a fun and exciting time in your life. There are going to be ups and downs in any relationship or marriage, as there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. How you and your partner deal with the good times and the bad times will define you as a couple, and that is why it’s so important to make sure you determine your readiness for marriage and your partner’s readiness before taking such a big step into marriage and saying “I do.”

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