Telling It Like It Is» toxic family

Toxic Relationships – Narcissism and its Deadly Effects

Lin — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 21:24:31 +0000

Thank you, Lin, for asking me to guest post on the topic of narcissism and its deadly effects. This is a subject that has come into its own. Lin’s awesome post, Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members has garnered almost 200 comments and 700+ Facebook “likes” since it was written three years ago.

Many more resources are available to folks who find themselves in a relationship with these insidious people than when my co-author, Lori Hoeck, and I first wrote The Narcissist: A User’s Guide a scant eighteen months ago. Since then, our User’s Guide e-book has been downloaded over a thousand times, and continues at a steady rate.

People are recognizing that they’re dealing with a person whose behavior hinges upon creating a partner dynamic designed to elevate the narcissistic person’s self-esteem by way of depleting it in another person. Where the struggle remains is what I’m going to discuss in this post.

It would be wonderful to say that the incidence of narcissism has declined since Lori, Lin, others and myself have sounded the alarm bells. This doesn’t appear to be the case. If anything, it appears that narcissism might have increased somewhat as the recognition factors became more well-known.

We’ll never truly know whether this perception is accurate, however, because, as Lori and I were among the first non-academics to point out, narcissists rarely seek treatment. There’s something wrong with them, not everyone else, after all. Estimates vary widely concerning the incidence of narcissistic personality disorder within the general population, ranging from .5% all the way up to 16%.

The negative effects these toxic people have are highly disproportionate to their numbers, whatever those numbers may ultimately be. Direct interaction with them creates dread and drains emotional energy, but we also expend additional energy anticipating, deflecting and developing strategies to neutralize their behavior. Extended interaction with narcissists in the workplace or social/family situations can be detrimental to physical health as well, with partners exhibiting physical manifestations of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and other effects.

Still, even with the word getting out about how dangerous these people can be to good emotional health, many of us find ourselves ill equipped to deal with narcissists effectively. Lori and I have received many heartbreaking stories from people – both men and women, gay and straight – who were caught totally off-guard and sucked into a relationship with a Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde-like charmer. The pattern is fairly predictable:

the person initially appears too good to be true
an escalating series of interactions where the partner is caught off-guard and devalued
incidences of hypersensitivity and overreaction (including rage) to criticism, perceived slights or other behaviors in the partner they deem unacceptable
increasing demands for narcissistic supply and corresponding passivity from the partner
difficulties in ending the relationship because the partner is emotionally incapacitated and/or fearful of physical or emotional retaliation

Many self-help references get hung up on understanding the whys and hows behind narcissists becoming what they are. It’s all fine and good, but this is where most people get stuck. They think it’s their fault: if they only were better at holding up their end of the relationship, it would improve.

You must know what you can do other than blame yourself. Yet, time after time, we see well-meaning advisors who have the non-narcissist partner adapting in an attempt to create a more harmonious relationship. The problem with this advice is it amplifies the root causes of the toxic dynamic and can actually exacerbate its troublesome aspects.

As a result of the research and personal experience that prompted us to write The Narcissist: A User’s Guide, Lori and I concluded the most effective way to deal with a narcissistic person is to minimize contact. Ideally, you would eliminate it completely, but of course, this isn’t always possible. Ultimately, you’re going to have to reduce it to the bare minimum. In our e-book we provide strategies and scripts you can really use when you’re ready for that path.

Once you’ve left the relationship, you can’t let your guard down. There’s evidence to suggest a repetitive pattern in many co-dependents. If this kind of relationship is only what you know, then you may sub-consciously seek it over and over again. Fortunately, if you recognize this as a pattern in your relationships, you can overcome its causative factors and be on the lookout for triggers that affect you. For some this is a life-long process, but it’s well worth the vigilance.

If you or anyone you know is in a relationship with a toxic individual, you owe it to them or yourself to be aware that it’s undeserved and there are ways to escape. Lori and I used to say that if we helped just one person put behind the agony that these relationships cause, our own painful experiences would be vindicated. I think it’s safe to say we’ve done that, and we’re asking you to pass things along. We’ll probably never eradicate narcissistic behavior, but we don’t have to tolerate its toxic effects, either.

Be sure to “Like” The Narcissist: A User’s Guide on Facebook – Stop struggling with toxic people and learn to deal with them on your own terms!

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How to Divorce Your Parents, Minors Emancipation, Can You Divorce Your Parents?

Lin — Mon, 18 May 2009 11:00:14 +0000

Can you divorce your parents? How do you divorce your parents if you are an adult child dealing with controlling parents or in-laws, or a teenager seeking legal minor emancipation or “divorce” from your parents? Are you dealing with a toxic, abusive and/or controlling parent and want to know how to “divorce” your parents?

I’ve received several “divorce your parents” email questions in recent weeks, from adult children dealing with over-involved, controlling parents who don’t know how to parent adult children, and from teens who think that getting pregnant on purpose or getting married too young is the way to qualify for emancipation from parents in order to get out from underneath their parents thumb. I’ll first respond to the adult children, then the teens.

If you are an adult child who has been researching “parents controlling adult children” or “controlling parents”, you likely came across my articles about parents helping vs. enabling adult children and didn’t think those apply to your specific situation (or they do apply, but that’s not what you want to hear and you don’t want to admit it).

How To Divorce Your Parents

Based on some of the emails I’ve received, I’d venture to say that there is a strong possibility that you may have a sense of entitlement that makes you want to “have your cake and eat it too”, but you can’t have it both ways.

If you really are dealing with “controlling parents” or in-laws that don’t understand what parenting adult children means or the need for respectful boundaries, these articles will help explain that “divorcing” controlling, toxic parents as grown, adult children may be the only viable option left to protect your physical, emotional, mental health and well-being.

Allow yourself the personal right to disengage, disassociate, and detach.

Reasons given for adult children divorcing their parents include:

Parents who hit and/or verbally abuse their adult children despite being grown, married with children and living independently of parents.
Parents who don’t show even the slightest measure of respect to their grown children, or anyone else.
Parents who habitually lie and steal money from their own children.
Parents who purposely attempt to drive a wedge between their married son/daughter and spouse, in an effort to cause a divorce because of not “liking” their son-in-law or daughter-in-law.

I could go on and on with this list of “divorce your parents” reasons, but you get the idea.

Part of being an adult is having the backbone or assertiveness to stand up for yourself and say NO. You can say NO by not answering phone calls or responding to emails or letters, not attending or participating in family functions, and not allowing yourself to get drawn into the insidious, toxic family drama that you find so upsetting.

An “emotional divorce” from parents may be temporary or long-term. You may discover, after a period of time goes by, that you begin to feel the desire to gradually reconnect with your parents, where new rules and boundaries are assertively negotiated and respectfully followed on both sides.

Or, you may find that the time spent not talking to or visiting with your parents over a period of time brings you the peace and tranquility you’ve needed, where you now have no desire whatsoever of ever reestablishing a relationship with your parents. Whether or not you ever decide to reconnect with your parents is a personal decision you have to live with, along with whatever consequences come from your personal choice or decision on the matter.

Emancipation of Minors

What are your reasons to get emancipated? Saying “I want to get emancipated” isn’t good enough. A minor may seek minor emancipation (often referred to as teen emancipation or child emancipation) for reasons such as abuse, neglect, marriage, teen pregnancy, joining the military or just to be an independent adult.

Unfortunately, some teens throw around the “abuse” and “neglect” words quite freely and undeservedly towards their parents rules and guidelines, and think that emancipation of minors is their personal “get-out-of-jail” free card to do whatever they want without any parental oversight or control.

Reality Check: Emancipation decrees are rarely granted and the court reserves the right to rescind the right and place the minor into the care of the state at any time, for any reason, before the minor reaches the age of majority.

Sure, there are some new “rights” after becoming emancipated, but there are other adult “rights” you will be responsible for as well. Such as:

Support yourself financially. A judge will not grant your emancipation if you are unable to totally support yourself.
Paying for your own food, clothing and shelter. Getting and paying for your own medical, dental, and automobile insurance.
Pay all of your own bills. Your income must be from a legal source.
You must go to school. Emancipation and education laws require minors stay in school, finish high school until they graduate or reach the age of 18.
Child labor laws still apply, which means you can’t work as many hours as you may want.
As a minor, you can’t have sex, drink alcohol or vote until you are of legal age. Forget the idea of becoming a teenage pregnancy statistic just to become emancipated. The laws governing unlawful sexual intercourse (“statutory rape”) means it is illegal for a minor to engage in sex with anyone (even if it’s with another minor), unless the teen is married and having intercourse with his or her spouse.

Running away from home and/or having sex anyway could very well show the judge that you are a troubled, rebellious teenager in need of counseling rather than emancipation. Having sex anyway could mean your “significant other” will find themselves on the list of convicted sex offenders; and it will not work to your advantage when trying to convince a court judge that you are “mature” or deserving of emancipation.

Teens, do you know the legal age to move out of the house without parent consent or permission in your state? If you commit a crime (ie. unlawful sexual intercourse) you may be tried as an adult in a court of law. Whether or not you become emancipated has nothing to do with being tried as an adult. (Age of Consent)

There is a big difference between emancipation and divorcing a parent, but far too often, teens don’t take the time to become knowledgeable about minor emancipation laws or ask the necessary questions regarding becoming emancipated, such as:

What is minor emancipation? Legal emancipation from parents is a process that gives a teen legal independence from his or her parent or guardian before the “age of majority” (18 years old in most states), whereby a minor may petition the courts to be legally responsible for him or herself and no longer under the custody and control of parents.
How old do you have to be to get emancipated? Emancipation laws vary from state to state. If the state you live in has an emancipation law, (only about half of them do) it usually requires the minor to be at least 16.
How do you get emancipated? In the United States, there are three main ways to become emancipated.

1. Get married - Getting married too young and marrying for the wrong reasons will put you on the fast track towards divorce so quick it would make your head spin. (See Marriageable Age)

2. Join the military – you must meet the military’s minimal educational requirements and provide a valid high school diploma or GED. The military must still be willing to accept you.

3. Go to court and have the judge declare you emancipated by “judicial declaration”

In order to get a judge to grant an emancipation judicial declaration, you must prove the following:

You are at least 14 years old (emancipation age varies by state)
You don’t want to live with your parents and your parents will consent
You must prove you are mature. How? Do an online search for “signs of maturity” and “signs of immaturity” and see how your maturity level pans out. Witness accounts from friends, teachers, counselors, YOU, employers, and other responsible adults who will provide testimony of various signs of maturity as proof for the court.
You can financially and legally support yourself
You must show that emancipation would be in your best interests.

Court cost of emancipation – To get emancipated, legal forms commonly known as “emancipation papers” or “emancipation forms” will need to be filed with the court. The average filing and court fee is about $250.00, plus the cost of your legally required attorney. Attorney fees for emancipation average between $800-$1000, if the petition is not contested by your parents, otherwise the costs could be much higher if parental permission is not granted. Can you afford emancipation?

Do I need my parents’ consent (permission) to get emancipated? Yes. Minors need parental consent (and consent by the courts) to get married and parental permission to join the military. Plus, the armed forces is under no obligation to accept you. To become emancipated, a minor must give his/her parents notice of the court hearing, and the parents may go to court to contest the emancipation.

Parents: You can do an online search for “Prevent your child from becoming emancipated” for more information on that.

Teens, emancipation is a very heavy responsibility and must be taken very seriously. There are alternatives to emancipation as well, such as your parents consenting to you living with another relative or family friend. Otherwise, you will just have to suck it up and deal with your parents like the rest of us until you are automatically emancipated when you turn 18 and can legally move out of the house and be on your own.

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Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members

Lin — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 12:00:18 +0000

Would you know if you were in a toxic relationship? Are you dealing with toxic family members or people in your life who manage to drag you down, make you feel angry, worn out, deflated, belittled, ridiculed or confused? Are you dealing with conflicts and problems because of a toxic parent, sibling, co-worker, spouse, friend, toxic in-laws or other extended family members? Are toxic family members causing stress, anxiety and even symptoms of depression during the holidays and special occasions, a time that is supposed to be about family, love and togetherness?

Most of us could write a laundry list of names of people who make us feel miserable whenever we’re around them, spewing their noxious negative attitudes, behaviors and gossip like nauseating toxic waste. Have you ever wondered what makes toxic people tick, or why some family members have the tendency and inane ability to be two-faced in their relationships with others in the family?

Who Are Toxic People?

Toxic people are extremely negative, miserable, whiny, jealous, inconsiderate, financially irresponsible and entitled, manipulative, narcissistic, selfish, disrespectful, gossip mongers, mentally and emotionally abusive bullies who have no boundaries. Everyone and anyone is fair game for toxic people, with toxic relationships creating undo stress and anxiety for everyone involved. If you are dealing with these problems and conflicts in your life, know that you are not alone.

According to mental health specialists and psychologists, toxic people are “highly insecure people who only feel better about themselves if they make others feel worse, and they make up about ten percent of the population. A toxic person, including family members and in-laws, cause over 50% of all communication and relationship stress in others, health problems such as headaches, stomach pain and digestive problems, due to negative baggage brought on from low-esteem”.

Understanding how low self-confidence and low self-esteem causes some people to grow up to become toxic adults may help you feel better about yourself. However, having some understanding, compassion and empathy for bad childhood experiences and memories that continue to fester and linger in their personalities does not change the fact that their toxic attitudes and behaviors will continue until you stop allowing them to hurt you and your life.

Toxic people are this way because they can and often do get away with it, and it works well for them. If it didn’t work, and work very well, they wouldn’t continue doing it.

Toxic People Will…if not dealt with:

Rob us of our dignity.
Destroy our self-confidence.
Increase our stress levels.
Cause health problems.
Destroy our morale.
Destroy family relationships.
Foster negativity.
Decrease productivity.
Get you fired from your job.
Drive you to bankruptcy.

How to Deal With Toxic People and Family Members:

Recognize that toxic people have issues within themselves, and their toxicity has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. In life, everyone has to take personal responsibility for their own choices, attitudes, actions and behaviors. Toxic people do not do this. You become their personal target. They habitually turn things around and manipulate you to the point where you feel bad, you feel guilty, you feel like you are at fault, therefore responsible for their problems.

You may even begin to feel like you’re “going crazy” or “losing your mind”, wondering if you have become the victim of a psychopath desperately trying to manipulate and control you. Once you recognize the toxic behaviors that are engulfing your life and health, it allows you to take your power back.

Keep emotionally toxic people from ruining your health and happiness by setting limits and personal boundaries, assertively speaking up for yourself, and standing your ground. Don’t make someone else’s problems your own, but physically and mentally distance yourself from the negative and toxic people in your life, which may or may not include cutting the person out of your life entirely.

Knowing what it means to “let go” of negative people, along with their personal demons and issues, allows you the strength and determination needed to live your life without the constant barrage of criticism that can easily erode your own self-esteem, health and well-being.

Dealing with family members and in-laws can be especially difficult and stressful. If there are family members or in-laws that treat you like their personal doormat, criticizing and ridiculing you for everything and anything, you may have to consider putting a strict limit on how often you associate with them, if at all.

Holidays and special occasions can quickly become a dread, where just the thought of being around toxic relatives or friends causes your blood pressure to rise to unhealthy levels. You have the right to decide who to associate with and who not to associate with, who is or isn’t invited or welcome to step foot into your home, including toxic family members.

Toxic people need years of in-depth therapy, not you, such as you might find at bipolar treatment centers locally. You can’t change their attitudes or behaviors, but you can change yourself. You have to decide for yourself how much pushing around you will or will not accept. Allow yourself the personal right to disengage, disassociate, and detach. Use your God-given backbone when dealing with toxic friends, co-workers, family members or in-laws etc, with the understanding that detachment is not a sign that you don’t care but that you are doing what is necessary to preserve your personal health and happiness.

Surround yourself with positive influences, people who genuinely care about you and are supportive of you. These loved ones are a great defense and support group against the negativity of all kinds of toxic relationships or toxic family members, allowing you to choose for yourself to no longer be a victim of their malicious and abusive behaviors.

See: People Pleasers and Doormats as well as Abused Men: Battered and Emotionally Abused Male Victims of Domestic Violence for more.

Are you dealing with problems and conflicts of being in a toxic relationship? Do you struggle with how to respond and react to ridicule and criticism from toxic family members? Share your personal story or even ask a question by leaving a comment below.

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