Telling It Like It Is» Toxic Relationships

Toxic Relationships – Narcissism and its Deadly Effects

Lin — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 21:24:31 +0000

Thank you, Lin, for asking me to guest post on the topic of narcissism and its deadly effects. This is a subject that has come into its own. Lin’s awesome post, Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members has garnered almost 200 comments and 700+ Facebook “likes” since it was written three years ago.

Many more resources are available to folks who find themselves in a relationship with these insidious people than when my co-author, Lori Hoeck, and I first wrote The Narcissist: A User’s Guide a scant eighteen months ago. Since then, our User’s Guide e-book has been downloaded over a thousand times, and continues at a steady rate.

People are recognizing that they’re dealing with a person whose behavior hinges upon creating a partner dynamic designed to elevate the narcissistic person’s self-esteem by way of depleting it in another person. Where the struggle remains is what I’m going to discuss in this post.

It would be wonderful to say that the incidence of narcissism has declined since Lori, Lin, others and myself have sounded the alarm bells. This doesn’t appear to be the case. If anything, it appears that narcissism might have increased somewhat as the recognition factors became more well-known.

We’ll never truly know whether this perception is accurate, however, because, as Lori and I were among the first non-academics to point out, narcissists rarely seek treatment. There’s something wrong with them, not everyone else, after all. Estimates vary widely concerning the incidence of narcissistic personality disorder within the general population, ranging from .5% all the way up to 16%.

The negative effects these toxic people have are highly disproportionate to their numbers, whatever those numbers may ultimately be. Direct interaction with them creates dread and drains emotional energy, but we also expend additional energy anticipating, deflecting and developing strategies to neutralize their behavior. Extended interaction with narcissists in the workplace or social/family situations can be detrimental to physical health as well, with partners exhibiting physical manifestations of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and other effects.

Still, even with the word getting out about how dangerous these people can be to good emotional health, many of us find ourselves ill equipped to deal with narcissists effectively. Lori and I have received many heartbreaking stories from people – both men and women, gay and straight – who were caught totally off-guard and sucked into a relationship with a Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde-like charmer. The pattern is fairly predictable:

the person initially appears too good to be true
an escalating series of interactions where the partner is caught off-guard and devalued
incidences of hypersensitivity and overreaction (including rage) to criticism, perceived slights or other behaviors in the partner they deem unacceptable
increasing demands for narcissistic supply and corresponding passivity from the partner
difficulties in ending the relationship because the partner is emotionally incapacitated and/or fearful of physical or emotional retaliation

Many self-help references get hung up on understanding the whys and hows behind narcissists becoming what they are. It’s all fine and good, but this is where most people get stuck. They think it’s their fault: if they only were better at holding up their end of the relationship, it would improve.

You must know what you can do other than blame yourself. Yet, time after time, we see well-meaning advisors who have the non-narcissist partner adapting in an attempt to create a more harmonious relationship. The problem with this advice is it amplifies the root causes of the toxic dynamic and can actually exacerbate its troublesome aspects.

As a result of the research and personal experience that prompted us to write The Narcissist: A User’s Guide, Lori and I concluded the most effective way to deal with a narcissistic person is to minimize contact. Ideally, you would eliminate it completely, but of course, this isn’t always possible. Ultimately, you’re going to have to reduce it to the bare minimum. In our e-book we provide strategies and scripts you can really use when you’re ready for that path.

Once you’ve left the relationship, you can’t let your guard down. There’s evidence to suggest a repetitive pattern in many co-dependents. If this kind of relationship is only what you know, then you may sub-consciously seek it over and over again. Fortunately, if you recognize this as a pattern in your relationships, you can overcome its causative factors and be on the lookout for triggers that affect you. For some this is a life-long process, but it’s well worth the vigilance.

If you or anyone you know is in a relationship with a toxic individual, you owe it to them or yourself to be aware that it’s undeserved and there are ways to escape. Lori and I used to say that if we helped just one person put behind the agony that these relationships cause, our own painful experiences would be vindicated. I think it’s safe to say we’ve done that, and we’re asking you to pass things along. We’ll probably never eradicate narcissistic behavior, but we don’t have to tolerate its toxic effects, either.

Be sure to “Like” The Narcissist: A User’s Guide on Facebook – Stop struggling with toxic people and learn to deal with them on your own terms!

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Husband Abuse: Mentally, Physically and Emotionally Abused Men

Lin — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 11:00:00 +0000

Husband abuse is no different than wife abuse. Whether the abuse is in the form of physical, verbal, mental or emotional abuse, abuse is abuse is abuse and not to be tolerated. It is a myth that very few men experience domestic violence, and when we hear or read stories of spousal abuse victims, it is often thought that mental, emotional and/or physical abuse is only perpetrated by men against women.

It is a fact that men who are abused by the women they love are often silent victims of abuse at the hands of their wives, girlfriends or partners. Men typically don’t call the police or make a police report. Family members, close friends and even co-workers sometimes recognize the tell-tale signs of abuse, even without any visible bruises, scratches or marks on the male victim, but feel they don’t know how to help.

Emotionally abused men and husbands who are abused by wives are in an unhealthy relationship, hoping upon hope that their abusive spouse or partner will change and the bad relationship will become a healthy, happy marriage that will last a lifetime. The chances that women abusers will change their abusive behaviors and attitudes towards the men in their lives are slim to none. Just like abusive men or husbands who abuse their wives or girlfriends.

Men in abusive relationships need to realize and come to terms with the fact that abuse is a learned characteristic and is deeply ingrained in their wife or girlfriend’s personality, and you can’t just wish it away. Mentally and emotionally abused men, who haven’t yet experienced physical abuse or battery, must not downplay or minimize the abuse in their hearts and minds. Domestic violence or physical abuse towards men often go hand in hand with mental and emotional abuse.

Just because your wife or girlfriend may not have hit, slapped, punched, kicked or stabbed you (yet) doesn’t mean the abuse won’t escalate to the point of physical violence. Abusive partners do not change. The abuse only gets worse as time goes by.

Are You In An Abusive Relationship?

Mental and emotional abuse destroys a person’s self-esteem and self-worth from the inside out, and the negative effects run so deep that it can take years to recover. Domestic violence and abuse of all kinds is an absolute deal breaker for marriages, and children who grow up in abusive homes learn what they live, increasing their chances of becoming abusers or abuse victims themselves.

Greg Enns and Jan Black, authors of the book entitled It’s Not Okay Anymore suggest abuse victims ask themselves the following questions to help identify the signs of abuse in their relationship. See if you can recognize potential problem areas in your relationship or marriage with your spouse or partner. Ask yourself:

Does she criticize, embarrass or humiliate you in front of other people, including your friends or family?

Does she insist that things you want for yourself are selfish and/or wrong?

Does your wife, girlfriend or partner withhold affection or sex to “punish” you for violating her rules?

Does she intimidate you or make you feel afraid in some way? How? Do you feel like you have to “walk on eggshells” around her to keep the peace?

Does your wife threaten to harm you, threaten to harm herself or anyone else, if/when you decide to leave and divorce her?

Does she require or force you to ask her for money, or take your money away from you? How much access do you personally have to the checking account, savings account, bank statements and bills?

Does your wife or partner control all of the family finances (financial abuse), where you don’t even know what money there is or how, when or where money is being spent?

Has your wife prevented you from taking a job you want, or kept you from going to school/college? Has your wife forced you through manipulation, coercion or intimidation to quit a job you had?

Does your wife minimize or deny her abusive treatment of you, or make “jokes” about how she treats you? Does she blame you for her abusive behaviors?

Does your girlfriend, wife or partner treat you as if you are her personal servant or slave?

Does she make you do things you feel are ethically or morally wrong or illegal?

Does your wife or partner criticize or belittle your Christian/religious beliefs, or tell you that your faith or beliefs are wrong?

Does your wife restrict or limit your contact with your family or friends, or make you leave social gatherings because she says so?

If you have children together, does your girlfriend or wife threaten you’ll never be able to see your children if you leave or divorce her?

Has your partner or spouse hit, slapped, punched, kicked, or threatened to cause you physical bodily harm?

Borderline Personality Disorder

Men, you have to decide for yourselves how many “yes” answers it takes to determine if you are in an abusive relationship. Men abused by women need help, support and encouragement from friends, family and society, to give husbands and abused men the strength and courage needed to get away from their abusers once and for all. Are you being battered or abused by your spouse?

Are you married to or in a relationship with a person with borderline personality disorder, also referred to as BPD? Stop Walking on Eggshells is a book written by Paul T Mason and Randi Kregor, with an extensive checklist for abuse victims to determine if they are (unfortunately) involved with or married to someone with BPD and advice on how to break free.

Another excellent resource for abused men and husbands is the book entitled Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence by Philip W. Cook. The authors shine a bright light on studies, statistics, actual percentages of abused men, along with personal stories of men who have been mentally, physically, verbally and/or emotionally abused by women.

There are a lot of battered and abused guys who are experiencing various types of domestic violence in their own homes and relationships, and it’s about time we as a society show our support for male victims and rally around them as they develop the courage and strength to seek help. Men, you are not alone. Read these books, seek out help from local support groups in your area or online, but reach out and get the help you need to live your life free of abuse.

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Husband Abuse: Abused Husbands and Men in Abusive Relationships

Lin — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 11:00:20 +0000

Are you an abused husband? Teenage boys, is your girlfriend abusing you? Does your wife, partner or girlfriend physically, mentally, emotionally or financially abuse you? What should abused men do if they are married to an abusive wife who is verbally, mentally, emotionally or perhaps even physically abusing her husband? Parents, have you taught your sons and daughters to identify the warning signs of abusive relationships, so they know the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, in order to avoid becoming an abuse victim?

If you have sons or daughters who are dating or married, how would you react if you discovered they were being abused by the person who claims to love them? If you are a man who is dealing with an abusive spouse or partner, in or outside of the marriage covenant, the psychological damage of being an abused man by the woman you love must be heartbreaking for you.

Relationship Abuse by Abusive Women

Over the last several months, I have received numerous emails from men who say that their wife or girlfriend is not only verbally and emotionally abusive to them but also, in many cases, physically abusive. I am quite familiar with the reported statistics regarding abused men, just as I know the statistics about abused women. Unfortunately, those statistics do not tell the whole story because so many abused men and women do not report the abuse to the police, in order for there to be an accurate and updated database to go by.

Men who are abused by wives, girlfriends or significant others are much less likely to report the abuse to the police than women are, because society in general has not recognized, supported or provided the help, advice and assistance abused men want, need and deserve. Grown men and teenage boys are often left to suffer relationship abuse in silence while the emotional, mental and physical abuse by abusive women and girlfriends takes its toll on their victims.

Emotionally Abused Men

Emotionally abused men, even if not physically battered or beaten, are having their self-esteem and sense of “manhood” and masculinity destroyed from the inside out. There are no visible scars, wounds or bruises to use as evidence to prove to the police or anyone else that these men are being abused by their wives or girlfriends. But make no mistake, the wounds, bruises and scars of being verbally and mentally abused are obvious and constantly felt by the victim.

The shame, embarrassment and fear abused husbands and men feel about being laughed at, criticized and ridiculed by society, police and the court system must feel unbearable. Mentally and emotionally abused men are routinely put down, criticized and ridiculed by their own wives and girlfriends, only to be victimized again by society and those in uniform whose job it is to serve and protect law-abiding citizens.

Even when abused men or husbands choose to leave the relationship and get a divorce, they must face the uphill battle in divorce court to not lose everything they have worked so hard to achieve in life; fight the devastating child custody and visitation battles; deal with false accusations and threats from their abusive spouse, and the dirty tricks shoddy divorce lawyers use to win court cases for their clients. Men, what is on your list of non-negotiable deal breakers for the protection of your health and well-being?

Physically Abused Men

Single and married men are also physically abused and battered by the women in their lives. There is no difference between the kind of abuse women suffer from abusive men and the abuse men suffer at the hands of angry, controlling and abusive women. Abuse is abuse is abuse. Mentally and emotionally abusive relationships often lead to physical abuse at some point, so if you are man or teenage boy in a relationship where nothing physical has occurred yet, don’t be too quick to assume physical abuse won’t happen. It’s important to understand the four types of abusive behaviors that abusers inflict on those they claim to love, because one often accompanies the others, eventually.

A physically abusive relationship often begins with a “one-time” slap, kick or punch during a fight or argument, followed by the promise that “it will never happen again”, but it happens again the next time the couple has a fight. Thus begins the cycle of abuse. The “honeymoon phase” of the cycle includes plenty of good times together for the couple, where everything is peachy-keen (or seems to be), until the pendulum swings the other way and the next argument erupts and is worse than the last one.

If she will hit you once, she WILL hit you again. And again.

Abused men or teen boys know they are being abused by their spouse or girlfriend, but feel shame and helpless about what to do. Boys are often raised by parents to “never hit a girl”, even when circumstances require him to defend themselves against a violent attack in some way. When a man tries to defend himself while he is being battered, beaten, kicked or even stabbed by his wife or girlfriend, the men I’ve heard from say they are the ones who are arrested and hauled off to jail on battery charges. What happened to the women who viciously attacked these men? Nothing. Not a darn thing.

Unmarried, single men or teenage boys in abusive relationships should absolutely leave the relationship, walk away and never look back. What should abused husbands do? Leave and get a divorce lawyer and file for divorce, just like that? How do men, who have been mentally, verbally, physically and/or emotionally abused by their heartless wives, win child custody battles in divorce court without stooping to dirty lawyer tactics? What about the children of these marriages and relationships?

These are just some of the questions abused men have asked, and I will do my best to answer these questions and more in coming articles. Having had personal experience with an abusive marriage relationship many years ago, I get it. I get why these abused men stay and why they haven’t packed up and left their abusers saying “Eat My Dust!”. Yet. These men are filled with fear, but they are making needed changes in their attitudes towards the abuse and their abusers, and I’m betting that this year will be their year to break free from the abuse.

Do you have any suggestions, advice or tips for abused men you would like to share? Are you a man who is or was in an abusive relationship with a story to tell? Share your comments and thoughts below.

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People Pleasers and Doormats Care What People Think About Them

Lin — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 20:03:09 +0000

Are you a people pleaser? Do you care what people think about you? Should you care what other people think about you or not? Do you have the “disease to please” people in your life to the point where you feel like you have become someone’s personal doormat to wipe their dirty feet on? Do you have difficulty saying no to requests and then feel angry or resentful because you said yes, again? Who is pulling your strings?

By definition, people pleasers are people who have a disproportionate and unhealthy need in their personality to give in to the wants, whims and desires of others around them, to the point of sacrificing their own wants or needs. People pleasers, pushovers and doormats lack assertiveness skills and hold back from speaking up and saying what they really think or feel, and they hold back from asking for what they need or want because they’re worried someone will get upset about it.

Having a people pleasing personality is great…..until. Being considerate, thoughtful, gracious and willing to help others are admirable traits and characteristics, but suffering from doormat syndrome or being a people pleaser to your own detriment are not so admirable. People pleasers put other people’s needs before their own, rarely doing things for themselves and then feel guilty about it.

People pleasers spend time with difficult people who don’t care about or consider other people’s wants or needs above their own- not even a little bit. People pleasers will jump through hoops, so to speak, to make unhappy, insensitive, selfish, ungrateful, controlling, mentally and emotionally abusive people feel better about themselves, to their own detriment. If you are tolerating problematic family relationships out of a sense of duty, obligation or a sense of Christian responsibility, your personal concept and belief system of what family is or isn’t needs to be reexamined and analyzed closely.

People Pleasers and Doormat Syndrome

Are you dealing with extremely difficult people in your life? What does the term “toxic people” mean to you? Do you find yourself in personal or professional relationships where you feel used, abused, battered and beaten down mentally, emotionally, or perhaps even financially? Do you habitually give in to people because the mere thought of displeasing or upsetting them is too much for you to deal with? Do you spend too much of your time, energies or money trying to keep other people happy because of fear of what they will think of you if you stopped? Why do you care what others think about you?

If you routinely put your own needs aside because of wanting to make other people happy, perhaps discovering that he or she is not the least bit grateful or genuinely appreciative for the things you do, you are a classic people pleaser. Here’s some advice: Stop being a martyr, victim, people pleaser or doormat stressing out and worrying about what other people may or may not think of you.

Stop caring what people think about you and start living your life free of the stress, worry and anxiety about what others think or want from you. The cost of caring what your boss, coworkers, subordinates, friends, family members, spouse, grown adult children, parents, inlaws, siblings or other difficult relatives think about you needs to stop. Allowing the opinions of others in your life to control, manipulate and trample on your self-worth is too high a price to pay to feel accepted, liked, loved or validated.

Who is the puppet master in your life? Can you afford the high cost of people pleasing? If you suffer from people pleaser “excess niceness” syndrome, consider the following list of costs typically associated with being a people pleaser or doormat.

Loss of identity, self-respect, self-esteem and personal integrity. Burnout. Nagging doubt about being “good enough” for others. A debilitating sense of guilt, shame, insecurity and inability creating and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships. Difficulty or problems managing, leading or supervising others at home and/or work; inability or difficulty trusting others, accepting kindness, positive feedback or heartfelt compliments from others. Difficulty making decisions, sticking with and accomplishing personal goals, because people pleasers inherently make others a priority over themselves.

People pleasing personality types find it virtually impossible to deny any or all requests made upon them even when doing so creates stress, chaos, financial burden, anxiety attacks, depression and even bankruptcy. The need for the approval and acceptance of others becomes debilitating for people pleasers, where fear of saying no and the intense aversion to confrontations or angry reprisals causes people pleasers to give in time after time after time.

Stop caring what people think about you. Relying on the opinions of others for approval, acceptance and validation is a self-sabotaging behavior and is detrimental to your health, happiness and wellbeing. Harriet B. Braikder, Ph.D writes in her book The Disease To Please, “As a people-pleaser, you feel controlled by your need to please others and addicted to their approval. At the same time, you feel out of control over the pressures and demands on your life that these needs have created”. Does that sound rational to you?

Not caring how other people think or feel towards you doesn’t mean that you should become selfish or egotistical, or that you should make your personal wants, preferences and needs the only priority in your life. Not at all. I’m suggesting that your needs are just as important as anyone else’s; that you should avoid seeking acceptance or approval from people who have their own selfish agenda.

Do things for others because you really care about them and want to, rather than out of fear that they won’t like you or will abandon you if you don’t do what they want. Stop allowing other people’s opinions, needs or wants to control or dictate who or what you are as a person.

If someone doesn’t like you or stops liking you because you don’t do what they want, then you’re being used by them and they are not someone you need in your life anyway. Take your power back. Learn to let go of the disease to please other people and remind yourself that you ARE good enough!

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How to Be a Good Daughter-In-Law: Building a Great Daughter-In-Law Relationship With Your Mother-In-Law

Lin — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 12:00:47 +0000

“Daughter-In-Laws from hell”? Are you a good daughter-in-law to your husband’s mother, or soon to be mother-in-law? Can you honestly say to yourself, “I am a good daughter-in-law”? Being a good daughter-in-law and building a great relationship with your husband’s mother, and maintaining that good relationship, can be easier than you think or more challenging and difficult than you could ever imagine.

Ever since I wrote How to Be a Good Mother-In-Law, I’ve been inundated with emails from mothers who describe their current or future daughter-in-law as the daughter-in-law from hell; jealous; selfish; manipulative; controlling; disrespectful; rude; conniving; evil and psychotic, just to name a few not-so-nice descriptive words about daughter-in-laws.

Some mothers used “daughter-in-law hates me” and “I hate my daughter-in-law” in the email subject line to describe the difficulties and animosity felt between the mother and daughter-in-law. A few mothers wrote about their relationship problems with a son-in-law as well, but the typical problems existing between mothers and daughter-in-laws are much more common than those with a current or future son-in-law.

I’ll be dealing with the issues of being a good son-in-law in an upcoming article, but for now let’s just stick with you, the daughter-in-law.

Mother-In-Law/Daughter-In-Law Problems

After reading and responding to many emails, as well as visiting websites, message boards and online support groups where mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws complain about each other and their problems, it became obvious to me that there is a tremendous amount of misunderstandings, misinterpretations, hyper-sensitivity and mean-spirited gossip being said about each other. But rarely any advice or real solutions being shared.

Based on the complaints posted on those sites, it became apparent to me that most daughter-in-laws are not evil or cruel, but are misguided and feel threatened. Daughter-in-laws and mother-in-laws are both guilty of not even attempting to understand the others wants, needs and perspective, but are very quick to criticize and ridicule the other.

Members of various support groups for daughter-in-laws have even linked to my leave and cleave article, taking words out of context, in an extreme attempt to prove their personal opinion that communication with mother-in-laws (and sometimes father-in-laws) should be cut to a bare minimum if not completely eliminated.

Now you just wait a cotton-pickin’ minute! If that is your position, you’ve missed the whole point of that entire article and are twisting the meaning of leaving and cleaving for your own selfish reasons, and your attempts to get rid of your mother-in-law will come back to bite you in the end.

Trouble between a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law arises far too often when one or both thinks the other is out to get them, which is not necessarily true. The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law both want the same thing! Time spent with the son! Problems between the MIL/DIL (Mother-In-Law/Daughter-In-Law) often occur when one or both women try to get their needs met by attempting to exclude the other from even the simplest things in life.

One mother emailed me about how hurt she felt by not being included in any of the decisions about the wedding plans or budget for her son and soon to be daughter-in-law’s wedding, despite the fact that this mother is expected to pay more than half of the wedding costs!

Daughter-In-Law Do’s and Don’ts

Remember, your husband was a son to his mother first, and the relationship bond between mother and son should never be trifled with. The harder you try to divide and conquer the relationship between your husband and his mother, the more you will discover that you’ve undermined any and all efforts to get along with your in-laws and will cause your husband and his family to resent you.
Don’t take everything so personal. Taking every suggestion, recommendation or idea offered as always being a negative against you suggests the existence of very low self-esteem on your part. Why do you choose to take everything so personal? A mother emailed me about her excitement about becoming a grandmother for the first time and how she made a few harmless baby name suggestions, only to receive an email from her daughter-in-law that such suggestions are not wanted or welcomed. What?!
The relationship with the son is not a competition. He married you because he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. In a marriage, a husband must put his wife as number one in the relationship, but don’t make the mistake of putting your husband in a position of having to defend his relationship with his mother. If setting limits and boundaries are needed on how often your mother-in-law calls to speak to your husband or visits, it is up to your husband to decide and act on that, not yours.
Communication is key. Take the initiative to call and chat with your mother-in-law with news and updates, even if you think it’s about mundane, trivial matters. Remember birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and special occasions, just as I bet you want your mother-in-law to do for you. Invite your in-laws to your home for a meal on occasion. Send pictures and cards. Ask for advice and willingly listen to her ideas, but that doesn’t mean you must do everything her way. Ask your mother-in-law for recipes of your husband’s favorite meals while he was growing up – she’ll love it and so will your husband.
Take good care of her son. Your mother-in-law raised your husband to become the man you fell in love with and married, and she should be thanked, praised and respected for that. Your mother-in-law wants and needs to know that the hard work she put forth loving, raising and caring for her beloved son will continue to be provided in your care. Of course your mother-in-law expects to see your home is well-kept, clean and orderly, just as she worked hard to do while raising him. Of course she expects your husband to have clean clothes and clean underwear to wear at all times. Of course she expects your husband to always be well fed with healthy, nourishing meals, just as she did for so many years. Of course she does! So will you when it’s your turn to play the role of mother-in-law when the time comes.
Do not be a gossip. Are you a gossip? Do you talk crap about any of your in-laws? Spreading negative gossip about any or all family members will cause you to be labeled as a toxic person, undoubtedly leading friends, family and others to not want to associate with you or trust you ever again. The harmful effects of gossip are well-known, and you would be wise to learn the difference between good gossip and negative gossip before you yourself become a victim to a malicious gossiper and discover the results the hard way.

I know, there ARE mother-in-laws who will do everything within their power to prove you are not worthy of their son and will attempt to drive a wedge between you and your husband or husband-to-be. Develop a thick-skin, be assertive and respectful, but don’t stoop to her level and become anyone’s doormat. But not all mother-in-laws are trying to control you or take over your life; they want to be valued and want to share a meaningful place in your lives.

As the daughter-in-law, you’re trying to protect your “turf”, while your mother-in-law wants a place at your table too. Work on your relationship with your mother-in-law; read daughter-in-law books for further advice, be willing to apologize and sincerely say you are sorry for things wrongly said or done. Work hard to make amends with your mother-in-law and stop seeing her as a threat. Spend your time and energies building a good relationship with your mother-in-law that will last a lifetime.

Are you having MIL/DIL problems you would like to share? Do you have a question about having a good daughter-in-law relationship with your mother-in-law? Feel free to ask your questions in the comments section below.

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Toxic Relationships – Toxic Family Members

Lin — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 12:00:18 +0000

Would you know if you were in a toxic relationship? Are you dealing with toxic family members or people in your life who manage to drag you down, make you feel angry, worn out, deflated, belittled, ridiculed or confused? Are you dealing with conflicts and problems because of a toxic parent, sibling, co-worker, spouse, friend, toxic in-laws or other extended family members? Are toxic family members causing stress, anxiety and even symptoms of depression during the holidays and special occasions, a time that is supposed to be about family, love and togetherness?

Most of us could write a laundry list of names of people who make us feel miserable whenever we’re around them, spewing their noxious negative attitudes, behaviors and gossip like nauseating toxic waste. Have you ever wondered what makes toxic people tick, or why some family members have the tendency and inane ability to be two-faced in their relationships with others in the family?

Who Are Toxic People?

Toxic people are extremely negative, miserable, whiny, jealous, inconsiderate, financially irresponsible and entitled, manipulative, narcissistic, selfish, disrespectful, gossip mongers, mentally and emotionally abusive bullies who have no boundaries. Everyone and anyone is fair game for toxic people, with toxic relationships creating undo stress and anxiety for everyone involved. If you are dealing with these problems and conflicts in your life, know that you are not alone.

According to mental health specialists and psychologists, toxic people are “highly insecure people who only feel better about themselves if they make others feel worse, and they make up about ten percent of the population. A toxic person, including family members and in-laws, cause over 50% of all communication and relationship stress in others, health problems such as headaches, stomach pain and digestive problems, due to negative baggage brought on from low-esteem”.

Understanding how low self-confidence and low self-esteem causes some people to grow up to become toxic adults may help you feel better about yourself. However, having some understanding, compassion and empathy for bad childhood experiences and memories that continue to fester and linger in their personalities does not change the fact that their toxic attitudes and behaviors will continue until you stop allowing them to hurt you and your life.

Toxic people are this way because they can and often do get away with it, and it works well for them. If it didn’t work, and work very well, they wouldn’t continue doing it.

Toxic People Will…if not dealt with:

Rob us of our dignity.
Destroy our self-confidence.
Increase our stress levels.
Cause health problems.
Destroy our morale.
Destroy family relationships.
Foster negativity.
Decrease productivity.
Get you fired from your job.
Drive you to bankruptcy.

How to Deal With Toxic People and Family Members:

Recognize that toxic people have issues within themselves, and their toxicity has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. In life, everyone has to take personal responsibility for their own choices, attitudes, actions and behaviors. Toxic people do not do this. You become their personal target. They habitually turn things around and manipulate you to the point where you feel bad, you feel guilty, you feel like you are at fault, therefore responsible for their problems.

You may even begin to feel like you’re “going crazy” or “losing your mind”, wondering if you have become the victim of a psychopath desperately trying to manipulate and control you. Once you recognize the toxic behaviors that are engulfing your life and health, it allows you to take your power back.

Keep emotionally toxic people from ruining your health and happiness by setting limits and personal boundaries, assertively speaking up for yourself, and standing your ground. Don’t make someone else’s problems your own, but physically and mentally distance yourself from the negative and toxic people in your life, which may or may not include cutting the person out of your life entirely.

Knowing what it means to “let go” of negative people, along with their personal demons and issues, allows you the strength and determination needed to live your life without the constant barrage of criticism that can easily erode your own self-esteem, health and well-being.

Dealing with family members and in-laws can be especially difficult and stressful. If there are family members or in-laws that treat you like their personal doormat, criticizing and ridiculing you for everything and anything, you may have to consider putting a strict limit on how often you associate with them, if at all.

Holidays and special occasions can quickly become a dread, where just the thought of being around toxic relatives or friends causes your blood pressure to rise to unhealthy levels. You have the right to decide who to associate with and who not to associate with, who is or isn’t invited or welcome to step foot into your home, including toxic family members.

Toxic people need years of in-depth therapy, not you, such as you might find at bipolar treatment centers locally. You can’t change their attitudes or behaviors, but you can change yourself. You have to decide for yourself how much pushing around you will or will not accept. Allow yourself the personal right to disengage, disassociate, and detach. Use your God-given backbone when dealing with toxic friends, co-workers, family members or in-laws etc, with the understanding that detachment is not a sign that you don’t care but that you are doing what is necessary to preserve your personal health and happiness.

Surround yourself with positive influences, people who genuinely care about you and are supportive of you. These loved ones are a great defense and support group against the negativity of all kinds of toxic relationships or toxic family members, allowing you to choose for yourself to no longer be a victim of their malicious and abusive behaviors.

See: People Pleasers and Doormats as well as Abused Men: Battered and Emotionally Abused Male Victims of Domestic Violence for more.

Are you dealing with problems and conflicts of being in a toxic relationship? Do you struggle with how to respond and react to ridicule and criticism from toxic family members? Share your personal story or even ask a question by leaving a comment below.

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