When planning a modern wedding, who pays for what? In decades past, because of the old tradition of dowry, the bride’s family traditionally paid for most or all the wedding costs. “Traditionally”, around the 17th or 18th century, the brides mother and/or father would pay for everything needed for the wedding and reception, including the venue (location of wedding/reception), bridal gown, music, flowers, venue, food, bar costs, gratuities and anything else. Then they also give a generous wedding gift to the happy newly married couple. However, times have changed.

Nowadays, it is very common for the bride and groom to pay for all or most wedding expenses themselves, or to more evenly split the wedding related expenses among both sets of parents. Why have the traditional rules of who pays for what in weddings changed, and how should engaged couples, parents and families deal with the more modern view of wedding etiquette in relation to the wedding budget and the question of who will be paying for the cost of the wedding?

There are a variety of reasons for the change from traditional to modern in regards to wedding planning and the budget. One reason is that people are choosing to live together before marriage for a period of time, deciding to get married later in life and are more financially established in their careers at the time of their wedding. Another reason is that there are more women working than ever before, compared to the ancient, archaic time period of women staying home “barefoot and pregnant” while men worked outside the home, so brides nowadays are often able to help pay for their own weddings. A third reason is the rising costs of weddings and the increased financial burden placed on parents who may not be able to afford paying for their son or daughter’s expensive dream wedding.

I am a firm believer in tradition, traditional values and beliefs, but I also believe in living within your means and adults paying their own way in life. There is often a big difference between the “traditional” division of wedding expenses and what people/parents can legitimately afford to pay without going into debt, or using their life savings or retirement accounts to pay for a wedding. Hence the numerous emails that continue to fill my inbox from mothers and fathers whose son or daughter is planning a wedding they cannot afford, and the sometimes manipulative tactics used to get the parents to pay more than they can afford.

Since writing the “who pays for what” article in answer to a disabled mother’s problem with her daughter demanding she pay more of the wedding than she could afford, the emails and questions just keep on coming. This time, rather than restating what I’ve already said on the subject, I decided to provide a variety of helpful links to online articles talking about Who Pays For What in Weddings as reference points for brides, grooms and parents.

Note: References to “traditionally who pays” are not rules written in stone but are merely guidelines for creating a wedding budget and determining who pays for the wedding. Sometimes the traditional wedding planning checklist needs to be modified for financial reasons. Brides, grooms and families should understand that your own personal finances will dictate what type of wedding/reception you can have, and who ultimately pays for what is entirely up to you and your families and their ability to pay.

Modern Weddings – Who Pays For What?

Engaged couples should first sit down with both families soon after announcing the engagement to work out the details of the wedding budget and who will pay for what. Without further ado…

Bridal Guide Magazinesays, “If you’re lucky, your families will approach you and your fiance’ to let you know what, if anything, they plan to contribute to your wedding. If your parents don’t initiate a conversation, you will need to, and the sooner you do it the sooner you can start hammering out a realistic wedding budget.”

“After announcing their engagement, the bride and groom sit down and estimate what they’ll spend on the wedding, probably after finding a reception site and making general decisions about theme, style, time of day etc. They then approach their parents and after describing what they’ve decided on so far, say gently, “We were wondering if you would be able to pitch in for any of the costs.” The parents may look at the budget and say, “We’d like to pay for the reception food and the flowers” for example. They may also offer a set amount they’ll contribute. If their parents say they can’t afford to contribute, or only offer a small amount, the bride and groom say, “Thank you for considering,” and perhaps have to revise their budget or find creative ways to pay for the wedding.” Read more here about who pays for what.

“64% of bride and grooms are breaking with the age old tradition of the brides parents footing the bill, by paying for their own wedding. With less than 18% of couples preferring to stick with tradition and allowing the brides parents to pay for the wedding and only 13% of the bride and grooms parents joining together to pay for their children’s big day. With nearly a thousand couples polled the results came as no surprise, confirming the steady shift in the way society views individual responsibilities, with financing for your own wedding being no exception.” Read more here about poll study results on who pays for modern weddings.

“Tradition was not financially kind to the bride’s family. Fortunately, at least if you’re looking at the situation from the viewpoint of that family, times have changed. Rather than burden one family with practically the entire cost of a wedding, it is common practice these days for both families—and sometimes the bride and groom—to share expenses. The best way to decide who will pay for what is for both families (or all the families that apply) and the couple to sit down together and have a frank discussion about what each party can afford to contribute.” Read more here about couples and families paying for weddings and wedding loans.

“Get together with every single person who might contribute to the total cost of the wedding. That means all parents, you and your fiancé, and anyone else with a financial interest (may you be so lucky as to have an eccentric and wealthy aunt). This is the fastest way to find out how big you can dream. More and more often today, weddings are paid for by a two-family counsel—and more than 60 percent of brides and grooms are paying for at least part of the costs as well. This makes it pretty clear that the old rules of divvying up the wedding bills simply no longer apply.” Read more here on traditional vs modern wedding planning and costs.

“Gone are the days when a wedding means the bride’s father stands with an open palm awaiting a bill for all the expenses. Although traditionally the bride’s family was responsible for most (if not all) of the wedding finances, today’s perspective is one of practicality and a general respect for individual outlooks and varying alternatives. Wedding etiquette has evolved to take a host of variables into account. Current day ideologies embrace doing what works best for each couple and their family. No one should feel obligated to accept a financial burden, and couples should understand who will be paying well in advance of the selection process. Keeping everyone’s comfort in mind will allow for a wedding that is both spectacular and affordable.” Read more here…

“Forget the archaic rule that says certain people have to pay for certain things. The bride’s parents need not take out a third mortgage to pay for the wedding, and the groom’s parents are not off the hook either. Besides, the two of you might even be covering a good chunk of the expenses yourselves. The best way to work it out? Sit down with pencil, paper, and calculator and figure out what you really want and can afford. Keep in mind that informal weddings are usually smaller (and therefore cheaper), and formal weddings tend to be larger (and therefore more expensive). Here’s a list of the traditional costs for everyone involved — but remember, these “rules” are made to be broken!” Read more here…

“The most contentious subject for any wedding (and one that, without a doubt, will cause the most arguments) is money. Now you’ve set your budget you need to guide yourselves through the murky waters of working out who’s responsible for paying for what. Whilst traditionally the bride’s parents used to pay for the majority of the wedding, these days with a multitude of different familial circumstances it’s not so cut and dried. The costs may be divided equally between the two families. The bride and groom may choose to pay for the wedding themselves. The bride and groom may pay for majority of the costs with both families contributing towards elements that they’d like to help with, eg. the flowers, transport or cake. The two families may offer to contribute a certain amount towards the wedding, to be spent as the bride and groom wish. If either or both sets of parents are divorced a compromise can usually be found using a mixture of options.” Read more here…

“These days, the cost of a wedding makes a year at Harvard and Yale look affordable. How are you going to scrape together the bucks so you can have the bash you want? Put that idea about sticking up the Federal Reserve on hold. You have options — legal, time-honored, respectable options. The kind of options that, unless you’re in the habit of bouncing checks, won’t land you behind bars. Here’s a rundown of some of them, plus their pros and cons. Keep in mind that a combination of two or more may be how you end up getting your wedding paid for.” Read more here…

“Nowadays, the cost of even the most modest wedding can be astronomical, but times are changing (phew!) and often the family of the bride, the couple themselves and even the groom’s family can contribute to costs. A wise father will set his budget as early as possible and advise the couple as to what he is able, and prepared, to spend. Then there can be no misunderstandings and the couple are able to budget accordingly and decide where their priorities lie.” Read more here…

“There was a time when the Father of the Bride was essentially expected to hand over a blank check in order to cover almost all wedding expenses. That was during an age when marriage was the ceremonial transferal of responsibility for (and possession of) the bride, from her father to her husband. She usually came with a really neat dowry, like two donkeys and a sack of lard. While many still count on Dear-Old-Dad (and Mom!) to foot the bill, most contemporary couples are dealing with a more complicated set of rules, or lack thereof. This is due, in part, to the fact that many couples are getting married later in life and therefore are more financially stable when they do; and also because a greater number of women are enjoying successful and lucrative careers than was the case in previous generations.” Read more here…

“Weddings can be elaborate and very expensive or they can be fairly simple and affordable. The decision about a wedding budget is one that needs to be made by the bride and groom and their families-together. While tradition dictates that the bride’s family covers most of the expenses of a wedding, that tradition is not necessarily relevant today. Particularly with marriages that occur after the bride and groom are educated and established, many of today’s weddings are primarily financed by the bride and groom themselves. In other cases, the traditional divisions of responsibilities for wedding expenses are more flexible than ever.” Read more here…

Are you getting married soon? Have you initiated the “money talk” with your parents yet? Who will pay for your wedding, reception and/or honeymoon? Are you sharing costs equally? Are you paying for your wedding yourselves or are you and your families splitting the costs in some way?

Similar Posts:

• Who Pays for What? Who Pays When Planning a Wedding on a Budget
• Wedding Planning, How To Plan A Wedding, Wedding Planner Checklist
• Mother Of The Bride Dresses, Special Occasion Dresses, Cheap Bridesmaids Dresses
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Planning a wedding is fun and exciting, that’s for sure. Brides and grooms begin searching for information on how to plan a wedding, and start looking for wedding planning websites like The Knot Wedding Shop for help in crossing off their wedding planning checklist of everything they’ll need for their wedding, reception and honeymoon.

Shopping for the wedding gown and tuxedos, choosing the flowers, selecting bridesmaids and groomsmen, choosing the wedding cake and favors, wedding dance songs for the father/daughter dance, enjoying the fun parties and wedding gifts couples receive, all in anticipation of getting married to your sweetheart.

This “wedding planning checklist” offers some ideas about many of the things you will need to do in preparation for your upcoming wedding. These are only ideas of things to consider, to be used as a wedding planning guide, and some things may not apply to you. Some items on this wedding planning list apply to the bride while others are typical responsibilities of the groom. In order not become overwhelmed, work as a team to complete the wedding planner checklist before your wedding.

Wedding Planning Checklist

10 to 12 months prior

• Discuss the style, budget, and financing with your Fiancé and ALL parents, or anyone else who is expected to contribute to paying for your wedding, reception and honeymoon.

• Start your Free Personalized Wedding Website
  
• Buy a wedding planner

• Find your perfect wedding invitation. Don’t order Wedding Invitations before checking InvitationConsultants.com.

• Decide the wedding date and time

• Style or type of wedding desired (traditional, modern, big or small, etc.)

• Choose and buy a wedding dress, shoes, veil, undergarments – fittings and alterations take time. Win a Free Wedding Dress!
  
• Decide who will be in the wedding party-number of bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girl and ring bearer

• Wedding and reception music desired

• Location or venue for the wedding ceremony and reception

• Choose the color scheme for your wedding – Red Wedding Gowns are very popular!

• Wedding vows – will you write your own wedding vows or use traditional vows?

• Choose a wedding photographer and videographer

• Select a florist for the wedding and reception

• Decide on wedding and reception music: DJ, live band or taped music

• Choose a minister or judge to perform the wedding ceremony

• Select the location for your rehearsal dinner and time

• Decide the reception format: buffet, sit-down dinner, pot-luck, etc.

• Choose who will make your wedding cake(s) – taste tests are very important

• Begin looking at Honeymoon Destinations with your Fiancé or visit a professional travel agent

7 to 9 months prior

• Begin writing wedding vows

• Make a first draft of the wedding invitation list

• Decide on the wedding ceremony music (prelude, processional, solos, recessional, postlude, etc.)

• Choose your wedding invitations

• Select your attendants and ask if they will accept being in the wedding party

• Meet with minister/judge/officiant to discuss ceremony

• Order and/or buy bride’s attendant’s apparel and accessories

• Choose and reserve mens formal wear or tuxedos – get their exact measurements

• Buy wedding accessories such as earrings, necklace, purse, shoes, gloves, cufflinks, etc.

• Decide the rehearsal dinner menu and reception menu

• Finalize honeymoon plans and itinerary, hotel lodging, transportation, event tickets, etc

• Complete your bridal registry and what items will be on the registry. Register with at least two well-known bridal registries

4 to 6 months prior

• Choose poetry or scripture readings for ceremony, and ask possible ceremony readers if they’ll accept the responsibility

• Finalize the guest list for the wedding and reception

• Buy or order wedding invitations, R.S.V.P cards and announcements

• Choose a professional Calligrapher to address the wedding invitations or do it yourself

• Decide if roses will be given to the mothers before, during or at the end of the ceremony

• Meet with wedding florist to choose flowers and accessories for the ceremony and reception such as pew bows, candles, candleabras, etc.

• Chauffers, limousines, horse-drawn carriage, etc

• Order Bridesmaids Dresses
  
• Order wedding bands

• Buy flower girl basket

• Buy pillow for ring-bearer

• Plan and finalize details with pianist, organist, DJ or other music entertainment

• Make/print directions and map for rehearsal dinner, wedding ceremony and reception

• Buy/order wedding favors for your guests

• Choose Wedding/Reception decorations such as candles, flowers, center pieces, balloons, arches, etc.

• Decide the flavor(s) and style of wedding cake and groom’s cake

2 to 3 months prior

• Start memorizing your wedding vows if necessary

• Decide how your attendants will process and stand at the ceremony

• Choose your “something borrowed, something blue, something old, and something new” to wear on your wedding day

• Choose the color and length of bridesmaids dresses; color and style of hosiery and shoes for bridesmaids

• Decide where bride, groom and attendants will get dressed for the ceremony

• Buy Flowergirl Dress
  
• Buy after-wedding/honeymoon lingerie and clothes you might need

• Buy wedding rings or bands

• Buy or order wedding invitations and programs

• Buy disposable cameras for reception tables

• Buy or order birdseed packets (if allowed) or bubbles, etc.

• Buy wedding ceremony guest book and pen

• Buy wedding cake knife, napkins, throw/keepsake garters etc for reception

• Finalize reception rental items: candelabra, table linens, canopy, tables/chairs, etc.

• Buy Postage stamps for invitations, response cards, and thank-you notes

• Schedule/confirm makeup artist/hair/nail appointments for wedding

• Get complete addresses of everyone on invitation list

• Finalize catering, bakery, florist, formal wear/tuxedo measurements

4 to 8 weeks prior

• Get marriage license with Fiancé

• Have final fitting of wedding gown and bridesmaids dresses.

• Contact newspaper regarding wedding announcement

• Show final program to officiant and organist to check for accuracy

• Plan rehearsal and rehearsal dinner.

• Confirm all transportation for all events (including honeymoon)

• Prepare all the necessary forms for name address changes on social security card, credit cards, bank accounts, post office, driver’s license, etc.

2 to 3 weeks prior

• Pay all balances due and remaining security deposits

• It’s time for the groom’s hair appointment

• Affix poems to disposable cameras

• Have final meeting with: florist, caterer, photographer/videographer, musicians, rental services, chauffer/transportation, travel agent

• Confirm final nail/hair appointments, hotel reservations for wedding night

1 week prior

• Pick up wedding gown and veil, if necessary

• Wedding party men (groom/fathers/ushers/groomsmen) to pick up tuxedos and shoes

• Double check rehearsal dinner plans

• Give wedding day schedule to all at rehearsal dinner

• Fill out first page of guest book

• Give final guest count to reception venue location and/or caterer

• Finish packing for honeymoon, buy traveler’s checks or foreign currency if needed

1 day prior

• Take favors, disposable cameras, centerpieces, cake knife and server, toasting glasses, CD’s, and birdseed roses to reception hall.

• Bride and attendants go to nail appointment

Morning of Wedding

• Bride, maid-of-honor and attendants hair appointment

• Give groom’s wedding band to Maid of Honor and bride’s wedding ring to Best Man prior to ceremony.

• Tell everyone you don’t want to hear about any mishaps or problems! Try to relax and enjoy the whole day. Keep yourself OFF of any to-do list items if any are remaining to be done. Designate to your attendants; that’s what they’re for.

Congratulations!

Similar Posts:

• Who Pays for What? Who Pays When Planning a Wedding on a Budget
• A Marriage Without Regrets – Do You Regret Getting Married?
• How to Manipulate Parents and Get Parents to Do What You Want
• Modern Weddings Who Pays For What – Who Pays For Wedding Costs?
• Second Child Baby Shower Etiquette – Is a Second Baby Shower Ok?